New Years Resolutions

I normally don't make New Year's resolutions. When I was at WalMart the other night (yes, in my house shoes) I noticed the employee stocking large quantities of diet drinks in the aisles at the front of the store. I shouldn't have been surprised that Walmart was planning to cash in on people's resolutions but I was. I used to say that making resolutions just set people up for failure. That was the old me and I have a different perspective this year. I'm going to make some resolutions, share them with you, and ask that you help keep me accountable. My resolutions however, will not benefit WalMart or any other retailer in any way. They will only benefit me, and maybe you too in making me a better person to be around. Here we go.

1. I'm going to accessorize more. I think it will be fun.
2. I'm going to be a better friend.
3. I'm going to call in sick to work if I'm sick and not try to be the hero. (I won't try to work while stroking out this year. That was dumb and I don't think Rob will ever recover from seeing me like that.)
4. I'm going to bake more.
5. I'm going to say "yes" to Isaac when he asks me to play with him because one day very soon he won't want to play with me.
6. I will practice better communication even if it is difficult because making incorrect assumptions about the people close to me only cause more pain and bitterness.
7. I'm not going to worry about my weight but I AM going to exercise more.
8. I'm not going to text and drive. This will be easy since I don't do it anyway.
9. I'm going to try new foods and recipes since I seem to cook the same things over and over again.
10. I'm going to honor Liam by doing some charitable work.
11. I'm going to purge my clutter!!! Physical and emotional!

There you have it. Those are my resolutions. It feels good to set goals. Wish me luck!

Goodbye Christmas

Team Zumwalt hopes that everyone had a blessed and Merry Christmas. We certainly did. We were able to spend lots of much needed quality time together, although after so much time off from work I have developed a new respect for stay at home parents.

Isaac has been enjoying all his new toys, especially his new Leapster Zippity he got from Santa. Isaac still doesn't understand why Santa uses the chimney instead of the front door. I've often wondered the same thing.

We have been on cookie overload. Isaac helped me roll out, cut, bake, ice, and sprinkle 72 Christmas cookies. During the process I realized what a control freak I am. It was so hard to let Isaac help since I kept thinking it would be so much faster if I just did it myself. Then I realized, we were making memories and one day very soon he will be at an age where he won't want to help me and I will miss the days where we did it together.

During my time off I was able to attend Isaac's Christmas party at school. I am so blessed to have the kind of job where I can take time off to be there for my little boy. I was sad for the kids at the party that didn't have a parent there. Isaac had his mommy and his nanny. He's blessed.

To sum it all up, even though we thought our Christmas would be a little different since we thought we would be a team of four, we have realized how blessed we truly are and look forward to many more Christmases no matter how many people are on our team.

2010 Wasn't All Bad

It is that time again to start reflecting on the past year. Most people can agree that 2010 was a little rocky for Team Zumwalt. As I reflect on the past year I choose to be overwhelmed by the blessings in my life rather than to dwell on the bad stuff that happened to us this year. If you do the math, there are 52 weeks in a year, so only a fraction of those weeks were what I would consider trying. I am blessed beyond measure and would like to take this opportunity to share with you some of the things I am grateful for as we close out 2010.

I am grateful for:
My faith.
The real reason for the Christmas season.
My life.
My amazing husband who is my partner and best friend.
Our phenomenal little boy who is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Our super fabulous extended family who I know loves and supports us unconditionally. (Even when we have been difficult to love and support)
Our loving and supportive friends.
My job and the ability to help children who can't help themselves.
My husband's job.
My health that is continuing to improve every month.
My amazing team of doctors who are committed to making me healthy again so I can live a full healthy life.
Our precious Liam.
Our beautiful home.
Our ability to pay our bills.
Great medical coverage.
The ability to help others who are less fortunate.
Not having any lasting side effects from my stroke.
My hair that is finally growing back.
The ability to help others learn from my experience this year.
2010.

I could really go on and on. I have so much to be thankful for that I've started to feel a little guilty for my moments of self pity. There is so much good in my life it hardly seems fair to focus on the bad stuff that happened to us. Yes, I had a stroke. Yes, I had a son premature that died. Yes, I have some health issues. Is that all there is to me? No. Nick and I have decided we don't want to be defined by the tragedy in our lives, rather we want to focus on all the good around us because if you open your eyes, it's easy to see. There are a lot of people who have it a lot worse, all you have to do is watch the news or read the newspaper to realize that.

As you close out 2010 I just ask that you take time to reflect on what you are grateful for and appreciate the blessings in your life.

Acknowledgement and Permission

I promise not to blog about the anniversary of Liam's birth/death every month but yesterday was the 7 month mark and I wanted to share something that happened to us at the 6 month mark and it seemed appropriate now.

On the sixth month anniversary of Liam's birth/death I was profoundly touched by someone who not only had no reason to remember the significance of the date, she did so by honoring the date with a poem she wrote which I will share at the end of this blog. (With her permission of course) The acknowledgement of this event in our life, of our son, meant the world to us since some of the people closest to us NEVER speak of Liam. Or ask how we are doing. I get that life goes on, and it wasn't a huge event for others like it was for us, but to not acknowledge the fact that we had a son is incredibly hurtful, especially when the people who should be asking aren't and those who have no reason to are writing poems for us.

I try and give people the benefit of the doubt and justify it by thinking people are just uncomfortable to talk about Liam for fear that it will hurt us. But the truth is, NOT talking about him hurts us more. Everyone grieves differently but for us, we like talking about Liam and what he meant to us. So we give you permission to ask about him. We give you permission to ask how we are doing. We give you permission to ask anything about it. Some people don't know what to say, I get that. Just acknowledge that this thing happened to us. Acknowledge that we have a son named Liam and we lost him. Acknowledge that we are grieving. Acknowledge that you don't know what to say to us. That is better than saying nothing.

So let me get back to the poem. Amber Michelle Fisher wrote the below poem to honor Liam. She lost a nephew named Ashton, so she knows what it's like to bury a baby. I've known Amber for over five years. We started out as coworkers and now she is now one of my employees. However, we both know that she is so much more than an employee to me, she's a dear friend. I don't think she will ever know how much her poem meant to Nick and I. Mostly because she had no other reason to remember the date, other than remembering her own grief of losing her nephew Ashton. Thank you Amber for your kind words and actions after. You are special and I appreciate you.

It starts as a dream, a thought, or wish
We depend on faith though it's hit or miss.
Then turns into hope, love, and joy.
Those words were longed for, "Congrats, it's a boy"

Life is full of paths yet destined for all
Many obstacles delay us and watch us fall.
The roads all connect one way or another
Your road just changed and turned into the other.

God gives us life then takes it all away
But hear me now you are strong and it's okay.
I too was angry, sad, and bitter for so long
But your Liam has not left and nothing has gone wrong.

You have been blessed to love such a child
I know your pain as its crazy and its wild
His heart was so perfect and belonged in this world
A tornado came to you; it raged and it whirled.

I know you hurt and wish this pain no more
But one day you WILL say, "Zumwalt, party of four"
Please know that Liam has given me a message to send
He says, "wait till you meet Ashton, he's my best friend".

All Aboard The Polar Express

Team Zumwalt decided it was time to get out of town for a while. We earned it. We haven't really left town since our Colorado vacay just before I got pregnant last year. Seems we had lots of other things going on. So, where to go? The answer...Branson for two reasons. Isaac is obsessed with the Titanic and they have a great Titanic museum. But most importantly, The Polar Express Train.

I have to first paint the picture. My son has been obsessed with The Polar Express since he was 6 months old. I had a broken ankle and had a hard time taking care if Isaac on my own while Nick was working so Isaac spent a lot of time with his Nanny and Poppy. They planted the seed. At six months old he would watch the movie with such focus and fascination. His favorite part then and now is the hot chocolate scene. Something about that scene has captured his attention since he was a baby and it still hasn't lost it's appeal all these years later.

Fortunately for us, Branson has a Polar Express you can ride. So of course we did. And we even splurged and got the first class tickets. Can I just say, it was worth every penny. My sister and her family also went so Isaac got to experience the ride with his cousins. Can I just say, it was magical. To watch my son experience something he has been so fascinated with was worth the price of the ticket and more. We had all the hot chocolate we could drink while they played the hot chocolate song overhead. Then the conductor came by and punched each child's ticket with their initial just like in the movie and the look on Isaac's face was better than when Santa came through and spoke with each child.

This may not seem like a big deal to those who are reading it but if you knew what a big deal The Polar Express is to my son you would understand. He watches the movie year round, plays with his Polar Express train, pretends he the conductor, carries a stop watch like the conductor, and on and on. So to watch your child experience something they love was priceless. I think I was even more excited than he was at the whole experience.

With that being said, the next morning Isaac did in fact inform me that the Polar Express we rode was not like the movie. I asked how it was different. Isaac informed me that the Polar Express we rode was a diesel engine and the one in the movie is a steam engine. Only my son. I told you he was obsessed.