Liam and My Grandpa

Liam Miller Zumwalt was named after my grandpa. His name was Jimmy Miller Haff but he liked to be called Mr. Wonderful. It was a self given title, but we all agreed it was true. I've blogged about Mr. Wonderful before. He was an amazing man and such a huge influence on my life which is why I wanted to name one of my children after him. He made me feel like the most important person on the planet and I'm pretty sure I was his favorite. I'm also pretty sure if you asked his five other grandchildren they would say the same.

Mr. Wonderful wrote me letters every week while I was in college. I usually got them on Wednesday. I went through some of his notes today and just seeing his distinct handwriting brings back such wonderful memories. He used to tell us that he had a pet rhinoceros named George. We never got to meet George though because mysteriously he was always in jail or had ran away every time we visited. I miss him terribly. Oh, how I wish he could have known Isaac. I know he would have adored Isaac beyond measure. It makes me sad that Isaac doesn't get to know this wonderful man that had such a huge influence on my life. Mr. Wonderful was pretty ornery and although I only knew Liam from when he was in my belly, he was pretty ornery too. I know that Liam is with his namesake and loves Mr. Wonderful as much as I do. I'm sure they are causing all sorts of trouble together. I also feel a lot of peace knowing that Liam is with my grandpa since he can't be with me.

Today marks the eight year anniversary of my grandpa's death. Before he died, we would ask him if he was afraid to die and of course he was not. See, he knew that when he died he would be walking with Jesus and that's nothing to fear. I love and miss you terribly, Mr. Wonderful. Take good care of my precious little boy for me.

Easter Bliss

Torrential rain hasn't spoiled our Easter Holiday! We started the morning with a lovely church service. It still gives me chills when I think of the sacrifice God made so that we can be free. We are so not worthy, but I'm so blessed. My handsome little boy was so excited to finally get to wear his tie to church for Easter. (We usually dress pretty casual for church so this was a big deal for him.)

Since it was raining ALL day we had to improvise and hide the Easter eggs inside. Who knew that hunting for silly plastic eggs filled with candy was such a big deal.

Here comes the sugar rush! Bring on the chocolate!

I'm pretty sure he ate at least half of his candy in this one sitting.

After a nice long nap on this rainy Easter, it was time to go to Nanny and Poppy's house for another Easter egg hunt. I'm pretty sure we're going to have candy until the 4th of July.

Notice how he lined all his eggs up. He's weird like that. Love him to pieces. Here comes the second sugar rush of the day. He may not sleep tonight.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Easter. I know we did. I thought about Liam a lot today, but none of them were sad thoughts. I kept thinking of him spending Easter with Jesus today. What a lucky little kid. I'm sure that's way better than hunting Easter eggs.

Mr. Storm Ready

It's been a stormy kind of afternoon and evening. I drove home from work in a torrential down pour and at least quarter size hail. Lame right? It stopped hailing as soon as I got home and put my car in the garage. That's not the point of my blog though. Watching all this storm coverage reminded me of the first potential storm of the season. My cute little husband loves a good storm. One of his favorite television shows is Storm Chasers. He loves the Dominator. Anyway, as we were watching coverage of this first potentially tornadic storm, my mister said he needed to get his storm clothes on. I didn't realize there was a severe weather uniform. His storm clothes consisted of shorts, a t-shirt, socks, and heavy duty hiking boot type shoes. The real kicker and what makes me giggle, A LOT, is the fact that in addition to my husband's storm uniform, he packed a backpack just in case. In the backpack were bottles of water, our eye glasses, and all of my medication. Honestly, I laughed a lot at him for this. But tonight as I'm watching the storm coverage, I realized how sweet that was. The reality was that a tornado would most likely not hit our house, but in case it did, he wanted to make sure I had my medication so I could stay well. How smart is that? He said I'd thank him one day, so thank you Mister for always taking care of me. I love you more than words.

Liam or Lily?

Last year, Nick and I could not wait for April 20, 2010. It seemed like it could not get here soon enough. April 20th was the day we were scheduled to go to to the high risk OB and find out if we were having a Liam or a Lily. We were praying for a Liam for many reasons, but most importantly we were hoping for a boy since my autoimmune issues are more common in girls. I've struggled with autoimmune issues since I was six and I would never wish that on my children so we were hoping for a boy to lessen the chance of our child having health issues. Isaac on the other hand was desperate for a baby sister. He just knew he was having a baby sister and was adamant that he didn't want a brother. Probably because he didn't want to share all his trains. Little did we know he wouldn't really get to experience either. You all know how the story ends. I will never forget the anticipation we felt just before the ultra sound tech told us we were having a son. Relief. To say we were thrilled would be a huge understatement. I remember standing in the parking lot after the appointment hugging Nick and feeling such joy. Too bad our joy was short lived...

My Mister

My husband's birthday is this weekend. He will be 32. He and I got together when he was 22. I've spent the last decade with this man and I need to tell you how much I love him. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I know with everything in me that he is the man God made for me. I can not imagine my life without him. Can't. Can. Not.

What blows me away about this man, is that he loves me beyond measure. I'm not sure why either. I like to think that I'm a pretty cool girl, but what did I do to deserve this man? He had full disclosure of my health problems before we got married and he still wanted to marry me and spend his life with me. My Mister spends his days as a nurse, then comes home and is my personal nurse. Talk about caregiver burnout. He never complains though. Ever. I'm so lucky.

My Mister cooks, cleans, does laundry (although not as good as I do it), is the bread winner, takes care of the house and cars, pays all the bills so I don't have to stress about money, and is an amazing father to Isaac. He pampers me, takes care of me, does romantic things for me that I'm often oblivious to like the time he had flowers delivered to the restaurant for our Valentines date. Sadly, I didn't notice, he had to point out that there weren't flowers on any of the other tables. Oops. I'm so not worthy.

Don't get me wrong, there are days he makes me crazy as I'm sure there are days I make him crazy He is notorious for trying to make me laugh when I'm furious at him. Like the time I was so mad at him and he came in the room wearing my capri pants, shirt, and sandals. I didn't know if I should be more mad at him or if I should laugh. I chose to laugh. That was his way of apologizing. He's my teammate and I can't imagine going on this journey of life without him. I'm a lucky girl.

Last year both of our birthday's were pretty lame since as you all know we had a lot going on. We have a fun filled weekend planned this year and my hope is that at least for a couple days, my husband is able to forget about the crappy stuff in our life and have a good time. He's certainly earned it. Happy Birthday, Mister. I love you more than words could ever express.

What A Difference 11 Months Make

Today marks the eleven month anniversary of Liam's birth/death. We've been trying to climb out of the huge hole for almost a year now. I'd say we've made significant progress, but I'm sure there's more progress to be made.

I still think of Liam daily. Sometimes when I think of him my heart aches for him. I long for my baby, for Zumwalt party of four, for our dreams of a sibling for Isaac. Other times when I think of him I feel so blessed that he saved my life. It's bittersweet. Most days I can think of him without crying. We got his birth certificate and death certificate today. I felt relieved. It was documentation of his existence. He was real. He is my son. And there is an official record of him.

I had someone tell me "congratulations on your baby" today. I had to quickly inform her that my baby didn't make it. She of course felt worse I did. I actually like talking about Liam so it was an opportunity for me to tell her how he saved my life and without him I may have worse kidney damage. Liam is my hero.

I've made significant progress physically as well. The protein my kidney's are spilling is down from and all time high of 13 grams to 2 grams as of last week. My anti-DNA which is the test for active lupus is down to 2, which is great since the goal is less than four. My kidney function is back to normal range. My steroids have been reduced to 10 mg from 60 in the beginning so again, I'd say that's progress.

Finally, I think our biggest accomplishment in the last 11 months has been keeping most of the peace lillies alive that we received for Liam's funeral. There were some that had questionable fates, but we were able to pull them through. What a relief.

I'm sure we will have a lot of emotional moments in the next month. This time last year our nightmare was just starting. I didn't see it then, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've almost reached the top of the hill. It was hard work, but necessary. We couldn't have made it this far without our faith, family, friends, and prayer.

I Was Born This Way

So I thought I'd blog about my Lady Gaga experience. I've been to a lot of concerts in my life and this was one of the most fascinating concerts I've ever experienced. Here are a few of my observations:

• I didn't realize spanx could be used as outerwear.


• Lady Gaga has to be one of the most fit people ever since she sang live and danced for TWO hours straight.


• I could have saved a lot of time trying to figure out what to wear if I'd just worn my bra and underwear like half the people there.


• Drag queens smell good.


• Those crazy Kansas/Phelps church people have nothing better to do than to drag their kids out in the cold to spread hate. I'm pretty sure God doesn't "hate" anyone despite what they say. They even called me an abomination. Rude.


• Lady Gaga has a very diverse fan group. It ranges from freaks all the way to completely normal people like me. There were all kinds of people there.


• I was one of the most conservatively dressed people there. I really had nothing Gaga worthy in my closet.


• I need to shop for some sparkly clothes for next time.


• The loud noise didn't unclog my ear.


• I am way to old to be out at concerts that last until midnight.

I'm can be fairly conservative at times, but I am a fan of Lady Gaga. I find her very interesting and think she is really talented. I get that she is controversial and very provocative, but I think the true "haters" haven't taken the time to learn about her. She has a very strong anti-hate message and continuously stresses the importance of being yourself and ignoring the haters, hence "Born This Way". She tells her fans to believe in themselves and to be true to who they are and in doing that they can achieve anything they want to achieve. I'd say that's a fairly important message and lesson most young people struggle with. So, props to Lady Gaga. Well done. I'd pay to see you again...if the concert starts at six and is on a weekend.