My New Life

This time last year I was just starting to realize I had a new life. Things would never be the same as they were before May 5, 2010. I would never be the same in so many ways. Life as I knew it was gone. I was dealing with the reality that I was a stroke victim at the age of 32. I would have to get used to the idea of taking blood thinners for the rest of my life and have to constantly have my blood levels checked in order to make sure my blood stayed at the right consistency. I would forever have to be monitored by the kidney guy to make sure my disease doesn't cause more damage to my already damaged kidneys. My reality is, I may very well need a kidney transplant somewhere in my future. Hopefully it's my distant future. I would also have to learn to live life without my second son. I'm a tough girl and have a very high pain tolerance,e but I had no idea how to deal with the kind of pain I was feeling due to the loss of not only my son, but the reality that I will more than likely never have another biological child. With all of that being said, I sit here today in awe of this new life. You see, I would rather have to learn to live my new life than not having life at all which could have been the reality for my family this time last year...

A Whole Year Later

Well, here we are. A whole year later. 365 days have passed since I gave birth to a very special little boy. Not one of those days have gone by without me thinking of my precious Liam. Not a single one. I remember this day a year ago so vividly. Like it was yesterday. I had never been so devastated in my whole life. I still ache for him. I wanted him so badly, but I knew it was not meant to be. Nick and I have experienced something no parent should ever experience. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

I could agonize over the why's and what if's but I'm not. What good would it do? Liam would still be gone. Today, I want to celebrate my little boy and what he did for me. He's my little hero. So please don't be sad for me or my family. Instead help us celebrate him by doing something kind for someone today in honor of my little boy. That would mean so much to us. Especially since my little boy did something so kind for me. And I have another request. If you're the praying kind, please lift my husband up in prayer today. You see, today was the day he not only lost his son, he nearly lost me too. He still has not recovered from that and I don't know that he ever will.

My faith tells me that Liam and I will be together again one day. We will get to spend eternity together. I am so comforted to know that he is in the arms of Jesus and is waiting for his family. I know that we will be Zumwalt party of four one day and that brings me great comfort. Happy Birthday, Liam Miller. We love you immensely.

Have You Thanked A Nurse Today?

This past week was nurses week. Let me tell you what I learned about nurses throughout my journey this last year. You can live or die depending on who your nurse is. Think about it, who is there 24-7? It's not the doctor. Nurses are the people who take care of you minute by minute. I had the great privilege of being taken care of by some amazing nurses this time last year. I wonder if they even realize how much I appreciate what they did for me or how often my family thinks of them. I might also add that I was a critical care patient being taken care of by labor and delivery nurses. They were amazing.

The first day I was admitted I had a nurse named Cheryl. She stayed by my side from the minute I got there until the minute it was time for her to leave and then some. I know she had other patients but at that moment, they didn't matter. I was her focus. She will never know how much that meant to me. She would even stop by and call to check on me in the time I was there. Then had a nurse named Sam for several days. She was AMAZING. There are no words to express how I feel about Sam or how grateful I am for what she did for me and my family. She didn't just take care of me, she took care of my family. She was with me holding my hand the day I delivered my precious Liam. So was Lauren. She also took care of me several days and was actually my nurse the day I delivered Liam. She was also holding my hand throughout the process. I'll never forget how kind she was during our time of grief and how she took care of my little Liam. I took a turn for the worse and when I needed her the most, I had a nurse named Taber. After I delivered I became even more of a critical care patient due to loss of blood and near kidney failure. Taber was there that day when I was as sick as I've ever been in my whole life. She took care of me and my husband that entire day and I am so grateful that she had a hand in keeping me alive. No lie, I had the opportunity to be cared for by some of the most amazing people on the planet.

Finally, I must mention my favorite nurse of all time...my husband. He's a nurse by day taking care of critical care patients in the ER and spends his evenings taking care of me. He never ceases to amaze me in his strength and ability. He keeps us going and without him we'd be lost. He took the vow of "in sickness and health" very seriously and is always by my side. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Thank you to all the nurses out there for the amazing work you do. You have a tough job and rarely get thanked for it. Most of the time the doctor gets credit, but the doctor couldn't do their job if it weren't for nurses. So thank a nurse and hope that you never need their service.

Strokes Are Lame

One year ago today is the day my world came crashing down. Stroke day. When I woke up that morning a year ago I had no idea that such devastation was in my near future. You never think you are going to be a 32 year old stroke patient. When you think of strokes you think of old people. Strokes are lame. Today is lame. This whole experience is lame. You never think you're going to have to bury your child because of your stroke.

I'll admit, I'm having a really hard time. I'm really sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm still so grateful that I've come so far and have no lasting damage from the stroke, but I'm still sad. The worst of the worse started while I was still at work. The left side numbness was really getting bad. So bad that one of my workers asked if he needed to call 911 because I literally had to lift my left arm with my right hand to move it. I was in denial so I told him no and went on with my morning pretending like nothing was wrong. I had an appointment with the doctor that afternoon so I left my lunch on my desk fully intending to go to the doctor and come right back and eat lunch. Sadly, I never made it back. I had the worst "episode" at the doctor and they called 911. My whole left side was non-functioning and I couldn't even get up from the chair to move to the exam table. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance. I had never been more scared in my whole life. I wanted so desperately to wake up from the horrible nightmare I was experiencing. With that being said, as scared as I was, I'd bet money my husband was 10 times more scared. See, he was in the tech room during my MRI and saw my stroke on the monitor before anyone else did. He sees stuff like that all the time but this time the patient was his wife who was pregnant with his child. I can't even begin to imagine how that must have felt for him. I'm not sure he'll ever recover from that.

I know things will get easier with time, but today has been hard. I truly thought I was doing so well emotionally and I've been really surprised at how the one year anniversary of all of this is affecting me. It's caught me off guard. This upcoming week is bound to be an emotional roller coaster leading up to the one year anniversary of Liam's birth/death. I don't like to ask for help very often but I'd really appreciate prayers during this upcoming week. I think I'm going to need all I can get.

Ma Beans

A year ago today is when things really started going down hill for us. I ended up in triage for the afternoon and on the way home from triage my stroke started. Lame right? With that being said, I had another appointment today with the kidney guy and it made me realize how far I've come in a year. When all of this started I was really sick although we didn't really know how sick. I had struggled with my rheumatoid arthritis pretty bad for the last 5-8 years. I would have days where I couldn't walk, lift, or even get up off the toilet because my joints hurt so bad. I'm talking "take your breath away" pain. Not to mention all the damage that was being done to my kidneys without my knowledge since I had Lupus and didn't know it. But I've come a long way. I feel like we are taking control of my Lupus and "ma beans" are starting to recover. My creatinine was 1.14 today which is the lowest it's been since this started. I've been hovering at 1.33 (which is still normal but the kidney guy wanted it lower). The protein in my urine is also down to 3.1 grams which is also the lowest it's been since all of this started. At one point it was as high as 13 grams, not good. And my anti double stranded DNA which shows active Lupus is still at 4 which 4 or less is the goal. My overall kidney function is improving as well which is great news as I intend to use those beans for many years to come.

My appointment today really put things in perspective for me. Although I am by no means healthy, I sure am a lot healthier than I was when this started. My joint pain is nearly non-existent which I hadn't really realized until today. What a miracle that is since I've struggled for so long. Living with pain became a way of life for me so much so that I barely noticed that I haven't had any pain in a year. Crazy.

I know my health journey is never going to end but it does feel good to know I'm moving in the right direction. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am so grateful to Liam as it is because him that I have now been accurately diagnosed and can be on that road to recovery.

Month 12

So May used to be my favorite month of the year. Mostly because it's my birthday month, but also because it marks the beginning of summer. Last May really sucked for us. I mean it REALLY sucked. A lot. Big time. Worst month of my life. I've learned not to say that's the worst thing that has ever happened to me because saying that is usually followed by something worse happening to me. However, we have started month 12 of our grieving process. A whole year. It's hard to believe. I am determined to make this May a good month despite the anniversary of our trauma.

It has already started off pretty good. Isaac and I had a great visit from my Dad and Jenna, my step-mom, and we celebrated Liam. They brought pinwheels for Liam's grave and one for our house so that every time the wind blows from Heaven we will think of Liam. Dad said it was Jenna's idea and I can't tell you how moved I was by their gesture. I was really sad Nick had to work because we were able to spend some good ol' quality time together honoring Liam.

With all of that being said, be prepared for a lot of "this time last year" blogs from me this month. You know I always try to stay positive and find the good in things so I will keep doing that, but be patient with me this month. Buckle your seatbelts as it may be one heck of a roller coaster ride. I used to really like roller coasters, not so much anymore.