Another Milestone

It was one year ago today that I decided to start my blog again. Little did I know that this blog would become such a huge part of my grief journey. I looked back at my blog from one year ago today and I realized how far we've come in a year (or 17 months if you want to be technical). We are by no means "over" our grief. We will grieve forever. We lost our son, we will never recover from that. And when I say lost, I don't mean that literally, we know where he is, he's just not with us. We take great comfort knowing that we will be together again one day in the far, far future. As I look over my blogs from the past year I see a Laura who was lonely, overwhelmed by grief and loss, and was in a hole I never thought I find my way out of. Today, I'm a Laura who made it out of that hole and is enjoying the precious moments life has to offer.

Writing my thoughts and sharing them with others has been very therapeutic for me. Call it a public journal if you will. Getting everything out of my head helped me sleep and night, and the feedback from people who read the blog made me realize we were not alone on our journey. We have felt the love and support of many of you as a result of this blog. Plus, being able to share Liam with all of you, helped keep him close to us. Liam remains a huge part of our family. We still talk about him daily and I hope that you still think of him often too. I hope you will never forget what he did for our family because I will spend every day until I die being grateful to my Liam for saving my life.

The Good Lord Has Blessed Me

I already knew I had a pretty amazing kid, but spending the day on a field trip with 80, five and six year olds will surely make you realize when the good Lord has indeed blessed you. I'll start by saying I could never be a kindergarten teacher. Now, I don't want to talk bad about kids, but I'll talk about the things I appreciate in my own kid after my field trip experience today.

• I never realized how obedient my child was until today.
• I never realized how calm my child was until today. I would normally have refrained from using this term to describe my child, but after today it fits.
• I had a pretty good idea that my child didn't eat as much as normal kids, and today that was confirmed. Dang, how can those parents afford to feed some of those kids.
• I knew Isaac was smart. That again, was confirmed even more so.
• Some kids live in their own little world. They may even hear voices. Oh wait, I wasn't going to talk bad about helpless children. But, dang. That's all I'll say.
• My kid is the "Debbie Downer" of the bunch. While talking about expected behavior on the bus Isaac chimed in with information on how they would exit the bus if it were to tip over on it's side on the way to Porter. Awesome. So then the other kids chimed in with how they would react if the bus caught on fire. Yes, my kid started the "doom and gloom" conversation. So. Proud.

With all of that being said, I had an amazing time today with my kid on his first real field trip. It was fascinating to watch him in his school environment and how he interacts with his friends and teacher. I am so grateful to have the kind of job that allows me the opportunity to make memories like that with my favorite kindergarten boy!

I Am The Face

Today's the day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Did you know that 25% of women will experience pregnancy or infant loss. You all know, I am one of those women. I'm a survivor of infant loss. I didn't ask to be in this club, but I am a member. "Stillbirths (the death of a baby after 20 weeks gestation) occur in one in every 160 pregnancies–about 60 stillborn babies every single day (March of Dimes)." That was me. That was Liam. I can't think of any greater loss I will experience than the loss of my child.

Many people don't know what to say to women who experience this tragedy. They also tend to think the mom/dad just want to move on and not talk about the baby they lost. This is untrue. I remember wanting to talk about Liam to everyone. I remember wondering if I was making people uncomfortable by talking about Liam and our loss. I still tend to apologize sometimes when we talk about him. Fortunately, we've been surrounded by wonderful people who let us talk about Liam and even ask about him. Today is about bringing awareness to everyone on this topic so all mom's and dad's who experience this tragedy can talk about it and feel as supported as Nick and I have.

Today we will honor Liam and all the other precious babies that never had the opportunity to live their earthly lives. Although I didn't get to keep Liam, he will always be my child. I will always be his mom. I will always remember what he did for me.

Small Victories

I'm celebrating small victories!

• I walked up three flights of stairs four times today.


• I was tempted to eat out for lunch, but politely declined.


• I stuck to my one pop a day rule.


• I did the elliptical for 21 minutes after dinner.

Keeping Promises

It's pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness week. That's got me thinking of Liam even more than usual. Right after he died I promised that his death wouldn't be in vain. I would use it to grow, help others, and GET HEALTHY.

I have decided to really focus on the "get healthy" promise. I've been working with my team of doctors for a year now to get my Lupus under control. It's been a long road, but that road has lead me to remission. For the most part my Lupus has been under control and my kidneys are better than they've been since before Isaac. I can pretty much check that part off the "get healthy" promise checklist.

Now, I must focus on the nex t part of getting healthy...my weight. I've been overweight for years. I've been on high doses of steroids off and on for many years which hasn't helped with my weight. However, I can't blame the steroids for everything, as much as I'd like to. Lifestyle plays a huge roll. We all know it. I kept hoping I'd wake up one day skinny, but it never happened. Shocker. There's no magic quick fix. Not sure why I ever thought it would be easy. It takes work to be healthy. I should know that better than anyone. So, I've been exercising more the last few weeks which feels good. It may be a walk around the block, or a bike ride around the neighborhood, but it's something. It's a start and you have to start somewhere.

Since I know that "every little bit helps" and I was feeling really inspired today, I decided to turn over a new leaf and take the stairs at work. Gasp. No, really. I was gasping for air. It's only three flights of stairs, but son of a nutcracker it was hard. I was praying nobody would talk to me from the door to my office as I was way to winded to have a conversation at that moment. I might have cussed a few times on the way up, but I was so proud that I did it. I even made my dear friend Christy take the stairs with me too. She and I have been talking about this for weeks and I decided today was the day. We were going to take baby steps and start with one flight at a time, but I decided we needed to go big or go home. I WILL NOT give up. I made a promise to my son. I'm sure by Thanksgiving Christy and I will be jogging up those three flights of stairs.

I have two reasons for going public with this information. 1. It helps to be accountable to someone. Even if it's anonymous blog readers. 2. The love, support, encouragement, and prayers I have received as a result of my blog has made a tremendous impact on my life and my journey to healing. I started this blog to chronicle the life I share with Nick and Isaac and it has turned into so much more. It has truly been therapy to me and if you are reading this, I can't thank you enough. The feedback I have received has truly changed me. It's made me better.

Jason Jopher

Who is Jason Jopher you ask? Well I'll tell you. He's Isaac's imaginary friend. Poor Jason gets blamed for a lot of things in our house. "I didn't do it, Jason Jopher did" is a common phrase in our house. Just this morning Jason Jopher got blamed for leaving the refrigerator door open, which leads me to wonder if Jason is still Isaac's imaginary friend or his scapegoat.

I used to be pretty confident that Jason Jopher was a real imaginary friend. (As real as imaginary friends can be, that is.) They played and talked a lot. Jason even "died" for a while when Isaac had a couple of real live friends living across the street. But, ever since his living breathing friends moved, Jason reappeared. I ask Isaac all the time what Jason looks like and I never get a straight answer.

Lately though, I'm wondering if Jason Jopher is just an excuse for Isaac. Like this morning. Clearly, Isaac left the refrigerator door opened, but to avoid getting in trouble he blamed Jason Jopher. Clever little kid, huh? As far as Jason goes, I'm not sure he's the kind of friend I want Isaac to have. Seems to get him in trouble a whole lot. I really need to find some humans for Isaac to play with.