How'd You Do That?

People frequently ask me how we’ve gotten through the last two years. The reality is we didn’t really have a choice. We have Isaac. He was almost four. He deserved a mom and a dad. We didn’t have the luxury to completely fall apart although we came pretty close. He was also the best medicine. I can’t even remember how many times I said to Nick, “We have to pick ourselves up and keep going for Isaac and Liam.” I can’t lie, we still struggled. A lot. Still do. Sometimes it has been downright ugly and I’m not afraid to admit that. We aren’t perfect. Nobody is and everybody grieves differently. When all of this first started, we couldn’t look at the big picture. We had to take things one day at a time. Getting out of bed each day was a victory. Especially in my case since I was so sick and getting out of bed was a physical and emotional victory. Then we celebrated other small victories, we made it through the day without crying, or we saw a baby and didn’t completely fall to pieces. We kept putting one foot in front of the other. We would stumble along the way. A lot. But we always celebrated the fact that we got back up.

We also had our faith. When we were in the midst of everything we decided it was just too big for us. We had to trust in God that he would carry us through this journey. I remember quoting one of my favorite bible verses, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It’s true.We came out of a hole that was unimaginable. We also had our amazing family and friends that loved us and carried us through when we couldn’t carry ourselves.  Although many times we felt like we were alone and people didn’t care, that was not the truth. We couldn’t see it then, but the people we thought didn’t care, were struggling through their own grief journey because they loved us and were just as devastated by the situation as we were. When this tragedy affected our family, we were overwhelmed beyond belief and the outpouring of love and support that was expressed. People who loved us went above and beyond to help us whether it was by sending food, half of Target, praying, and on and on. People who barely knew us also showed there support. Perfect strangers donated money for a dining card and sent food and flowers to our house. Finally, we got through it together. It's no secret that many marriages that experience the loss of a child fail. Nick and I made a decision in the beginning that we were going to get through it together. We can accomplish anything as Team Zumwalt. Out of unbelievable pain came a strengthened relationship.

Bottom line, there is no right or wrong answer as to how we "got through" this terrible thing that happened to us. Truth is, it's an ongoing process and probably will be until we are reunited with Liam. Of course it gets easier and we appear to get stronger with time, but know that we still have broken hearts. Nothing will change that. We just had to learn to live in our new normal. October begins Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Please take a moment to pray for all the families just like mine that have experienced infant loss or miscarriage. It's a constant journey we are all still on.

LMZ

I still think of Liam every day, but lately I’ve been thinking about him a lot more. May 12, 2010 is his birthday, but September 7, 2010 was his due date. Since then, there hasn’t been a September 7th that has gone by that wasn’t completely emotional for Nick and I. This September, we should have a two year old running around our house. We should have Liam. He should be terrorizing Isaac by messing with all his toys, he should be terrorizing Nick and I with his terrible two behavior, and he should be terrorizing the dog by trying to ride him like a horse. That is what I thought our life would be like. That is what I’d hoped our life would be like. With that being said, our life is exactly how God intended it to be.

Our reality is that Liam is in Heaven. There is no better place for him to be, but I so desperately want him in my arms. I’m not mad that Liam is not here, and I never have been. Liam had a big purpose, he saved my life. I so desperately want to know him. I want to know this amazing human being that saved my life, but I must wait. Waiting is hard. Waiting is what we must do.

My intent for this blog is not to make you feel sorry for us. I’ve never wanted anyone’s pity. When I think of Liam it makes me happy. I want you to be happy when you think of Liam too. So many good things have come from our terrible tragedy. Nick and I are closer than ever, we appreciate Isaac even more, we have found a church home, and now that I have an accurate diagnosis I am healthier than I’ve been in a long time. It’s been two years since our ordeal and we still think of Liam daily. I like to remind everyone else about my son and the amazing thing he did for me. While our life is not how I’d hoped it would be, it’s still a wonderful life full of many amazing blessings and we are so grateful. Who knows what the future holds for Team Zumwalt. What I do know is whatever life throws at us, we'll get through it together. Just like we always do.

My 100th Post

This is my 100th post! Who would have thought? I first started this journey because I loved Isaac so much and he was growing up so fast, I wanted to document it all. I didn't want to forget all the highlights. I failed that time. Miserably. I still loved Isaac and had good intentions, it just didn't happen. I posted one time and lost my motivation.

I found that motivation more than a year later when I needed an outlet for my tremendous grief. I had a stroke, my son Liam died, and my world was crashing in around me. I was devastated. I was putting one foot in front of the other, but I was in a hole. Actually, it was more like a crater. I decided to blog again to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head so I could sleep at night. I had so many emotions after our tragedy that I didn't know what to do with it all. I didn't know how to get out of the hole crater. Little did I know that it would become such amazing therapy for me. Expressing my grief and all the feedback I received as a result helped get me through an extremely difficult time in my life. I like to go back and read my blogs and see how far I've come in my journey. I'm a different Laura than I was when I started the blog. I can see the transformation in my posts. Thank you to everyone who loved and supported me through this journey. I know I wasn't always easy to love. I am forever grateful to everyone who read my blog, provided feedback, and supported me throught it all.