Waiting For Our Goo

I haven't blogged in a couple of months. It's not because I haven't had anything to say, it's because I've been scared to say it. I've been scared to say I'm excited. I've been scared to say I feel good. I've been scared to say things are going well. I've been scared to say all these things because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm scared things will end up the way they did last time and Levi will end up living with Liam instead of us. I'm scared that if I'm happy about this baby, it'll mean I don't think Liam is as significant. I see at least one of my doctor's every two weeks and each time I go, I'm anticipating the bad news. And with each visit, the bad news doesn't come. I've made it to 22 weeks and 4 days with NO complications. My body is doing exactly what it's supposed to do.

When I was pregnant with Liam, I was in the hospital by now. I had suffered a stroke, my blood pressure was crap, I started to contract and dilate, my sac was bulging, and my kidney's were spilling 13 grahams of protein. This time, my blood pressure is awesome, my creatinine is better than my OB's, I'm spilling less than half a graham of protein (which means my lupus is under control), and this Goo is measuring 10 days ahead of schedule. What a difference the right treatment makes.With each week my hope starts to become greater than my anxiety. My faith becomes stronger than my fear.

I took a big step today. I shopped for the Goo. I bought his bedding, washed it, and made his bed. My mom bought him some clothes and diapers, Nick has painted the Goo's room, and we are actually starting to act like we are going to come out of this with a living baby. We are planning for Levi Benjamin like he is actually going to live with us instead of Liam.

I want to thank everyone for their love, prayers, and support. It means everything to us that we have such and amazing army cheering us on. I'm going to be pregnant all summer long in this Oklahoma heat and I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend my summer. Waiting for our Goo...