Six months ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Liam. Unfortunately, he wasn't mine to keep. I'm not going to lie, I'm really sad today. And I''m going to let myself be sad. It's part of the healing process. No parent should ever have to bury their child. It's unnatural. It's a pain I've never known and hope to never experience again. I still remember everything about that day. My water had started leaking but I was scared to tell anyone because I knew what it meant. How I needed to push but desperately didn't want to because I knew it would be over and he would be dead. He was so active and thriving inside me and once he was out, hope would be gone. I remember what he felt like against my skin, what he smelled like, what he looked like. I was so sad that I would never get to know him. I would never get to see him cry, laugh, smile, roll his eyes at me. I would never feel his hugs, watch him learn to walk, or hear the sound of his feet running on the floor. Nothing, it was over. I was devastated. Numb. It was unimaginable.
But, even though I remember all the sad parts, I also remember all the less sad parts too. Like the fact that I was surrounded by people who truly cared about me and my family. People who were strangers to me before this nightmare happened. I had the most amazing doctor by my side (she wasn't a stranger) throughout the entire process. Dr. Lofgren is the most amazing doctor I've ever known. She has been by our side since we had Isaac and she continues to be a huge part of out lives. I had AMAZING nurses. Sam and Lauren were there holding my hand and supporting me throughout the entire process. I will never forget what they did for me and I can never thank them enough for the extraordinary care they gave me and my family. I actually had a lot of amazing nurses the entire 12 days I was in the hospital. The staff at the Women's Center at Hillcrest is truly amazing. Cheryl and Taber were also amazing nurses that I will never forget. Then there was Ron. The hospital chaplain who didn't know me before all this, he just knew of me through my mom who is an employee at the hospital. What a blessing he was and still is to this day. Ron continues to check on us, counsel us, and support us. What an amazing man. Ron even officiated Liam's service and for that we are eternally grateful.
Again, I'm not even going to lie and say I'm not sad today. But I also know I could be a lot more sad. I didn't know Liam. I never got to bond with him or know his personality. I only lost a future, not a past AND a future. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child you've had the opportunity to raise. I don't know how parents who have experienced that kind of loss even breathe after that kind of pain. My family could be a lot more sad too. They could have lost Liam and me. They didn't, and I am grateful. My living son still has his mother. And thanks to Liam, their mother is getting healthy.
I can't believe it has been six months already. Half a year has gone by and it still feels like yesterday. I wish I could say it gets easier. It doesn't. Maybe it will one day. There are just some days that it's not as raw. I still long for him and probably always will. Liam is a blessing. Even though I didn't get to keep him, he will always be a blessing to our family. We love you Liam Miller Zumwalt. We will be together again one day.
I love you.
ReplyDelete