The Gift of Motherhood

I normally don't blog two days in a row but I was overwhelmed yesterday by a realization I had. I'll start by saying after nine months we were finally ready to pick out a grave marker for our precious Liam. It took a lot of therapy, blogging, prayer and movement towards healing to get us to that point. It felt good to get that accomplished. We want people to know someone special is buried there and is "living it up" in Heaven.

Liam is buried at Floral Haven in a special section called The Garden of Angels. It is a specially designated area for babies and children. After we finished picking out Liam's marker, we went to visit his grave. There are literally hundreds of babies and children buried there. When we first got there, the rows and rows of graves signified such sadness and grief. I kept thinking of all the families that also know my pain. It's a "club" I never wanted to be a member of. I was thinking of all the sorrow, all the lost hopes and dreams for the future. All the families that wanted the same thing I wanted and didn't get it. I felt guilty for being comforted by the fact that I was not alone in my grief. All those other families had been there too.

Just when I was about to wallow in my self pity, I looked up and saw my full of life four year old. He was walking around the garden without a care in the world. He had no idea that the graves symbolized such sorrow and loss. It was like a Mack truck hitting me and I realized how lucky I am to have him, how lucky I am to be his mom. How many of the families with children buried in the garden aren't as lucky as I am? This beautiful human being has given me the gift of motherhood. I made this amazing child and I get to be a mother because of him. Forever. What a precious gift. How many of those families aren't as lucky as me? I have a living son who is smart, funny, charming, amazing, kind, loving, nurturing, innocent, and wise. I can't imagine my life without this precious gift. How lucky am I? Sure, I don't get to "parent" Liam, but I'm still his mother. His death doesn't take that away from me. I'm the mother of Isaac and Liam. I can't think of a better gift in the entire world.

Four Going On Forty

My son is four. I've been thinking lately that someone should tell him that. Most days he acts like he's four going on forty. Maybe it's because he spends so much time with adults. He thinks it is his personal responsibility to be the naughty word police, the rule breaker police, the manners police, the pet police, ect. Maybe he will actually be a police officer when he grows up since he likes policing so much.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other day and had it paused when he came in the room since clearly I don't want him to watch that smut. He asked why I had it paused and I told him the reason. He replied "Uh, I'm allowed to watch Grey's Anatomy, I just can't watch the parts with surgery." Oh, really? I didn't realize you were the one who makes the determination as to what you're "allowed" to watch Mr. Forty year old.

He's constantly talking to me about the things he is going to have when he grows up. Today he told me he was going to have an Audie YesUV, a short school bus, and a fire truck in his garage when he grows up. Oh, and a dirt bike.The adult in me wants to remind him that all of those items including the house and garage come with a hefty payment but I don't. I think it's fun to let him dream.

Someone should tell him to enjoy being four because I'm pretty sure he'll be an adult fast enough and it isn't all fun and games. I wish he could understand what a blessing it is to be a kid and stop trying to grow up so fast. For both our sakes.

This time last year...

What a difference a year makes. This time last year life really sucked for Team Zumwalt. I was pregnant and every day it seemed we were presented with a new struggle. I remember this time last year I was really really really sick and ended up in the ER where I had a chest x-ray that revealed my heart was enlarged. Large hearts in pregnant women are no bueno. After some testing it turns out my heart was fine, but I remember a long weekend for Nick and I waiting for the test results. I think even though the test results turned out ok, deep down we both kind of felt like we were not going to come out of the experience with a baby. Too bad we were right.

I've been thinking a lot about Liam lately. I long for him every day. I wonder what he would have been like. I knew him the best since he lived inside of me for six months. He was a feisty little thing. He might have even been a gymnast or something the way he would flip around inside of me. I remember during one of my prenatal appointments my doctor couldn't find his heart beat using the doppler. Not because it wasn't there, but because he wouldn't be still long enough for the doppler to pick it up. All we heard was him moving around like a crazy kid. Also, during my 20 week ultra sound I remember the tech having a hard time getting all the shots of his heart because he wouldn't be still. I told Nick we were in big trouble, as this kid was going to be a mover and a shaker. I'm sure he would have been.

I miss Liam. I miss my life before Liam too though. I'm different now. I've experienced a pain deeper than I ever imagined possible. My grief has changed me. It's changed my family. I know change is normal, you just never think it's going to be because of something bad that happened to you. You expect change to be your choice, but this wasn't my choice. I don't regret trying to have Liam, but sometimes I just want my old life back. I remember being in the hospital knowing that we would be leaving without our precious Liam. I kept telling Nick our life was good before all of this so we will be ok. Which is true, we will be ok, but we will never be the same either.

I have Lupus...It doesn't have me.

So I had an appointment with the kidney doctor yesterday. The fancy name for the kidney doctor is Nephrologist. His real name is Dr. Sunil Agrawal. For the purposes of this blog we will call him the kidney guy.

The kidney guy had some good news for me yesterday. When all of this started my kidneys were spilling 13 grams of protein which for the record is a lot. My kidneys are now only spilling 5 grams of protein in my 24 hour urine test and sometimes around 3 in spot checks. Great news. The kidney guy would like for me to get down to a gram or less to prevent chronic nephrotic syndrome which is a fancy word for kidney disease. In simple terms, it appears as though my kidneys are rebounding nicely and responding well to my current course of treatment.

Also, when all of this started my anti double stranded DNA which are antibodies my body makes to attack itself was in the 30's which indicates active lupus. Nick said in May while I was in the hospital my anti DNA was in the 700's. Yesterday it was 3. The goal was less than 4. My creatinine is also down from 1.39 to 1.28 which is also moving in the right direction.

I must add I'm a huge fan of the kidney guy these days because not only did he not get mad at me for playing doctor and reducing my steroid dose without his permission, but he reduced my steroids even more. I started at 60 mg of prednisone a day. At my last appointment he reduced it to 50, which I took it upon myself to reduce it to 40 since I spent all that time in medical school and all. Yesterday he reduced it to 30 so that is half of what I started with. Sweet!! I may always have to take steroids but the goal is to get it down to about 5 or 10 mg.

Ultimately I am starting to look much better clinically. Hopefully, the steroid bloat will subside and I will start to look better physically as well. Thank you for all the prayers, love, and support throughout all this. They are working indeed. I'm still grateful to my precious Liam. I've said it before and I will say it again...he saved my life. Without him I may never have been accurately diagnosed since my diagnosis came from my OB not my rheumatologist. I sure did let that stroke have it in May and now I sure am letting Lupus know who's boss!

Mr. Biscuit...Please Come Home

Mr. Biscuit is our cat. I hate cats. Always have. I'm more of a dog person. But lately I'm more of a no pet person. My husband loves cats. Always has. He's a cat person. Just before we got married eight years ago I was at work at the Justice Center and one of my co-workers came in and said there was a stray kitten outside that was in pretty bad shape. I texted Nick (this was before texting was a big deal) and asked him if he wanted the kitty if I could catch it. He of course said yes. I caught the kitty that looked so helpless under the hosta plant. His tail was practically falling off and he was skin and bones. I took him to the vet and eighty dollars later he was our cat.

My dislike for him has been compounded by his nastiness. There is something about cat pee that reminds me of my job and makes me crazy. I'm talking check into the psych ward crazy. No lie. Then he peed on my bed several times. Me and cat pee don't mix. I've nearly killed him myself because of that, but I didn't want Isaac to turn into a serial killer because his mom killed his pet. Mr. Biscuit became an outside cat after that. Then slowly he worked his way back in but his litter box didn't. He still used the facilities outside so I didn't have to deal with the litter box smell. Good compromise right? Or it was until the Blizzard Schmizzard!

I let him out in the garage yesterday to go to the bathroom. Nick made a litter box for him in there. I opened the garage for him so he could peek out on the driveway since it was shoveled. We haven't seen him since. Let me be clear, I still don't like the cat. But I'm not heartless. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. More importantly, the people I live with love the cat and I love them. I don't want them to be sad.

So Mr. Biscuit, if you read this blog, please come home. I'm really not in the mood to explain to Isaac that you're gone forever. Please. I beg you. I might even let you be a full time inside cat again if you come home. Ok, maybe not but I promise to be nicer to you. At least for a few weeks.

Blizzard Schmizzard!

Team Zumwalt is going on day 2 of the epic Blizzard of 2011. We've had record snow in our part of the world and have snow drifts up to our windows. In addition to the record snow, we now have record cold temps with dangerous windchills, which makes going outside to build snow men and snow angels downright miserable. This is where I would normally tell people to have a positive attitude, or play the glad game, or be grateful for what they have. Blah blah blah.
I feel trapped. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my warm house and electricity. I'm grateful that we are all home safe and sound. I'm grateful that our cars are in the garage and not buried under a foot of snow. I'm grateful we have plenty of food (although we are down to a half gallon of milk). I'm grateful for the extra quality time we have with the Boo. With that being said, I'm still going crazy. REALLY crazy. Just knowing that we can't get out of the neighborhood makes me feel even more trapped. Staying at home when you want to is one thing. Staying at home when you have no other choice does something to the synapse in your brain and makes you go crazy. Plus, I'm edgy. REALLY edgy. I've been snapping at everyone. This is the one time of year I wish we had a SUV with four wheel drive since our sedan type cars would only make it half way out the garage since the snow is so deep.
Here's what we've done to pass the time while we are snowed in. We've done puzzles, played tons of games, played endless amounts of Thomas Misty Island Rescue, had several meltdowns, and watched endless amounts of news coverage on the epic snow. Oh, and we've cooked a lot thanks to my new idol, The Pioneer Woman. It's pretty bad when I can't wait for dinner time to try another one of her recipes. If you haven't heard of The Pioneer Woman, check her out. Unless you are on a diet or eating healthy, she's not for you.
I'm pretty sure we will survive this stupid blizzard. We've survived a lot worse, but anytime mother nature wants to warm up and magically melt all this crap so we can get out and have fun again that would be super.