This time last year...

What a difference a year makes. This time last year life really sucked for Team Zumwalt. I was pregnant and every day it seemed we were presented with a new struggle. I remember this time last year I was really really really sick and ended up in the ER where I had a chest x-ray that revealed my heart was enlarged. Large hearts in pregnant women are no bueno. After some testing it turns out my heart was fine, but I remember a long weekend for Nick and I waiting for the test results. I think even though the test results turned out ok, deep down we both kind of felt like we were not going to come out of the experience with a baby. Too bad we were right.

I've been thinking a lot about Liam lately. I long for him every day. I wonder what he would have been like. I knew him the best since he lived inside of me for six months. He was a feisty little thing. He might have even been a gymnast or something the way he would flip around inside of me. I remember during one of my prenatal appointments my doctor couldn't find his heart beat using the doppler. Not because it wasn't there, but because he wouldn't be still long enough for the doppler to pick it up. All we heard was him moving around like a crazy kid. Also, during my 20 week ultra sound I remember the tech having a hard time getting all the shots of his heart because he wouldn't be still. I told Nick we were in big trouble, as this kid was going to be a mover and a shaker. I'm sure he would have been.

I miss Liam. I miss my life before Liam too though. I'm different now. I've experienced a pain deeper than I ever imagined possible. My grief has changed me. It's changed my family. I know change is normal, you just never think it's going to be because of something bad that happened to you. You expect change to be your choice, but this wasn't my choice. I don't regret trying to have Liam, but sometimes I just want my old life back. I remember being in the hospital knowing that we would be leaving without our precious Liam. I kept telling Nick our life was good before all of this so we will be ok. Which is true, we will be ok, but we will never be the same either.