Only Thing Missing Was The Birthday Boy

Saturday evening we gathered to celebrate and honor Liam on his second birthday. It was a great little birthday party,  "the only thing missing was the birthday boy" as my nephew so sweetly put it. Most of the ingredients for a successful birthday party were there; balloons, cupcakes, family, friends, pinwheels. I can't help but think that Liam was there too. He may not have been there physically, but he was with us. He's always with us.

Honestly, Nick and I don't go to the cemetery very often. I'm not really sure why. Liam is buried in the Garden of Angels, which is a special location of the cemetery that is designated for children. Every time we go, there are numerous new rows of children that have been buried since our last visit. It's heartbreaking to see all the families that have joined this club. Maybe that's what keeps us away. However, I do like gathering there to celebrate his life and honor him. I like seeing his name. I like replacing the flowers. I like talking to him there. I like sharing him there with the other people that come to support us and honor Liam.

Nick and I found the irony of the party to be quite significant. We gathered at the cemetery to have cupcakes, release balloons into the sky, and sing Happy Birthday. We ended up doing all those things, then we witnessed the sweetest moments. The kids were playing and having a great time and they had no clue that beneath them were the bodies of children who could no longer run and play. Some of the departed children never had the opportunity to run and play. The kids at Liam's party had no idea that the place where we had gathered represented sorrow and loss. They simply enjoyed being with each other and found a way to have fun regardless of their location. This brought such peace to Nick and I. It was also a good lesson. Liam wouldn't want us to sit around and be sad at his party. He's in Heaven having an amazing time. He'd want us to do the same on his birthday. And so we did. Especially the kids.

Two Years

We've been on this journey now for two years today. This journey has been one of the most difficult challenges of our lives. It's still a daily challenge. It's been two years since we held our precious Liam in our arms and said good-bye. Undoubtedly, that was the most devastating good-bye we've ever experienced. On May 12, 2010 our hearts were broken. Although we've spent the last two years healing, there will always be a part of our hearts that is missing. We will never completely heal. Not because we don't want to, but because it's impossible to ever completely heal from the loss of your child, our flesh and blood. Liam is a symbol of the love Nick and I share. While he's gone from our lives in a physical sense, he will forever be a part of our hearts and our family.

I miss Liam. I miss him more than I can ever describe. I miss him so much it hurts. I long for him. The longing never subsides. I often wonder what he would have been like. Would he sleep through the night as early as Isaac did? Would he be as smart as Isaac? Would he be our trouble maker? Here is what I do know about Liam. He was feisty. He constantly moved in my belly. Constantly. I remember scolding him while he was in my belly telling him to calm down. I also know that during the 144 perfect minutes we did have with Liam, his heart heart tones improved when we held him and talked to him. He knew his family was there and it brought him comfort as he was dying. I know that Liam is a hero. He's a hero because he saved my life. If it weren't for him and that first OB appointment, who knows how long it would have been before we realized how poor my health truly was. This makes him the best little brother that Isaac could have ever had. I know that Liam was perfect in every way, because he was ours. I know that if he could talk to us today, he'd tell us to not be sad.

This weekend is my third Mother's Day being Liam's mom, but it's only my second that he's not with me physically. Our first Mother's Day together was spent in the hospital praying that Liam would live. Praying that I would be able to maintain the pregnancy and he would come home. Little did I know, that a few days later, Jesus would come for him and he would truly be home. This past week I finally read the book, "Heaven is for Real".  What a poinient week for me to read this book. If you haven't read it, it's about a nearly four year old son of a pastor who became gravely ill. After he recovered he revealed to his parents that he had been to Heaven and was greeted by Jesus. This little boy told stories he could have only known if he did in fact visit Heaven. He reported meeting his sister who he had no knowledge of prior to his illness. He also reported meeting his great grandfather who again, he had no knowledge of prior to his illness. When I read his story, I can't help but think that Liam's experience must have been very similar. I've always known that Liam and I would be together again one day as that's God's promise to me. After reading this book I can say with certainty that Liam is waiting for us and when we meet again it will be as if no time has passed at all.

So as we mark this second anniversary of Liam, it brings me great comfort to know that I will see him again. He's safe. He's waiting for us. And once we are together, we will never have to be apart for all eternity. Happy Birthday, Liam. We love you more than words can say and we miss you every single day.

Our Children

Our children. Those are words that we rarely utter. Mostly because we don't want to make people uncomfortable when they only see one child and ask about the missing one. I can't help but feel a little guilty every time I'm asked how many children I have and I lie for the sake of the other person.

If you follow my blog, you know this has been an ongoing internal struggle for me. The truth is, I have two children. I conceived and birthed two beautiful babies. Why is it so taboo for me to tell people that I have two children? One lives with me and one lives in Heaven and is waiting for me.

Why am I so afraid to tell the truth even if it makes the other person uncomfortable? Lying is making me uncomfortable. When I lie, I deny my son. I deny that he is a part of our family. I deny that I am his mother. Liam is real. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Liam. Not one single day. He lived inside of me for 24 weeks. He lived in our arms for the most glorious 144 minutes of our lives. We were Zumwalt, party of four. Nick and I have two beautiful children. Why is it so taboo for me to say that?

I'm Her Nurse/Doctor/Husband

I married well. I am brilliant for my choice in spouse. How smart was I to marry a nurse? Especially with all of my unique issues. I'm sure my husband would like a break from being a nurse during the day then again at home, but I can't help but be super pleased with my spousal selection.

Yesterday I got to experience Nick's bedside manner once again. I broke my ankle almost 6 years ago. My health issues have kept that ankle from ever really healing properly. It has been hurting really bad the past week and was hurting exceptionally bad yesterday. I have a really high pain tolerance, but yesterday it became unbearable. I managed to get ready for work and was actually getting ready to leave. I was telling Nick and Isaac bye and needed to sit down and get the stamina to get to the car. Once I sat down I got really sick to my stomach. Then I felt like I was going to pass out. That's the last thing I remember...

I thought I was waking up from a deep sleep so I was kind of shocked to see Nick standing over me with his fingers on my neck and the phone to his head. I heard him say she's awake now. He asked me if I knew where I was. The look on his face said "she better get this right" so I promptly and loudly answered "I'M AT HOME!" Then he asked me what day it was and again I knew how important it was to get it right so I boldly said "IT"S MAY 1st!" Nick still looked a little panicked so I just kept asking him what happened. He seemed mad when he told me I quit breathing and passed out. Not sure why that would upset him so much? Nick is prepared for any emergency so he had already started my IV by the time the paramedics arrived. They asked if he was my nurse and he was so flustered he said "No, I'm her doctor, no wait I'm her husband." After a few minutes I was scared but knew I was ok. Nick wasn't buying it and insisted I take a ride to the hospital with my new friends, the paramedics. I guess he still has a little PTSD from when I had a stroke, then nearly hemorrhaged to death after I had Liam. I wonder if all his patients stress him out as much as I do? Probably not.

Turns out I was right and I'm just fine. I just had a vagal response from the pain and getting sick from it. My resting heart rate is in the fifties to low sixties so it's not like I have far to go before I pass out anyway, right? There have been many times in life where I've felt like I was going to pass out but this is only the second time I've actually done it. And poor Nick has been by my side both times. I'm pretty sure I've taken at least 20 years off his life with all my shenanigans. I feel really bad for freaking my husband out like that but I'm so grateful that he is always my nurse/doctor/husband and always makes sure I bounce back from whatever ales me. I think it's his turn to have someone take care of him for a while. Thank you for always being my favorite nurse!