Zumwalt Party of Five

Tomorrow our precious little Levi will be six weeks old. I can't believe how fast it's going by. Every time I decide to blog about our new adventure, there just don't seem to be words adequate enough to describe our new life. I prayed for this baby, and God answered my prayers.

I am an eternally grateful for our new baby. Every time I look at him I am completely in awe that this whole thing worked out and that my prayers were answered. After my stroke and Liam's death, everyone told me that I shouldn't have any more kids. It was too risky. If I had another stroke, I may not be as lucky.  Shortly after that I had a visit with my new rheumatologist. I was heartbroken after my stroke and Liam's death. During that visit he said to me "don't let anyone tell you that you can't have a baby just because you have Lupus." Those few words gave me hope and determination. Those words stuck in my head and I didn't give up on my dream of having another baby. Last week I took my healthy, living baby to my rheumatologist appointment and thanked him for giving me hope that day. It felt like I had come full circle from our darkest moments.

Life with Levi has been easy. I don't know if it's because he's a subsequent child and I know what to expect this time, or if I'm just so grateful that he is alive and healthy. Either way I just feel so overwhelmed with love for him. I don't mind when he cries, when I have to get up in the middle of the night to feed him, changing his breast milk poopy diapers, getting peed on, carrying him and his car seat all over the place, etc. I'm just so happy to be able to do those things because I didn't get to do them with Liam.

Levi isn't a replacement for Liam although he makes us think if Liam a lot. I love that in the last six weeks I have used the phrases "my oldest son" "my middle son" and "my youngest son." My hope is that Levi knows and understands that he has two older brothers. And I hope that he understands that one day, he will get to meet Liam.

Finally, if you didn't believe in the power of prayer before, just look at Levi. He'll surely make you a believer.

I'm Hot, Pregnant, and Blessed Beyond Measure

I'm in the second week of my third trimester. I remember back in February when we found out I was pregnant doing the calculations and figuring out that if we could just make it through July, we'd be smooth sailing. Hello, August!! Unlike most normal people, when we found out I was pregnant we weren't certain if we'd end up with a baby, or more heartbreak. At this point, I can say with 100% confidence, that we are bring this baby home. Oh em gee!!!! I have a lot to do. We haven't planned or prepared much since we weren't sure how it was going to turn out. Our prayers have been answered so I better get busy!

I'm amazed at how fast this pregnancy is going and how easy it has been compared to my other two pregnancies. With out a doubt, I'm healthier during this pregnancy that I have been with the other two. It's started to get a little harder in the totally normal third trimester and it's August kind of way.  I continue to have outstanding weekly check-ups. I'm no longer waiting for the bad news. I no longer live in fear of having my heart broken...again. In about 8 weeks our family will grow. We will be Zumwalt, party of five.

Nick and I have talked a lot about how bittersweet the birth will be. We wanted so badly for the outcome with Liam to be different and I know he will be heavy on our minds and our hearts as he always is. We will rejoice in the fact that we get Levi, because Liam existed. We will love all three of our boys and be grateful for the moments we had with Liam, and the future we will have with Levi and Isaac.

This May Work

With every week I get a little more hopeful that we may actually come out of this whole thing with a living baby. It's been hard to let ourselves get excited since we know the unbearable heartbreak of things not working out the way we planned.

Today we got awesome news. Things are going so well that the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor released me. Victory! This news did not hurt my feelings at all since I was never a huge fan of hers to begin with. She's very smart and got me to where I need to be, I just never got over the fact that she was so mean to us during our pre-conception appointment where she basically told me I was crazy, going to die, and my baby would be special needs. I know she was doing her job and warning me of the risks, but geez louise she didn't have to be so brutal.

In fact, our little Goo is completely healthy just like his momma. He is measuring nine days ahead of schedule. He is two pounds one ounce and in the 78th percentile. His heart looks amazing which is awesome news since my health issues could have caused a heart block. We are now out of the woods for heart block. My blood pressure is awesome, my lupus is still under control, I still have less than a graham of protein in my urine, I've had no symptoms of stroke, my kidneys are behaving, and overall I feel pretty decent. If I could just get over my meat aversion and reflux, this pregnancy would be a breeze.

We've made it farther than we did with Liam. That's bittersweet. I think about Liam a lot and hope Levi knows that he exists because of Liam. Nick finally got to feel Levi kick, which he never got to do with Liam. It was a big moment. And I am even more confident that we have an even bigger moment coming up this October.

Waiting For Our Goo

I haven't blogged in a couple of months. It's not because I haven't had anything to say, it's because I've been scared to say it. I've been scared to say I'm excited. I've been scared to say I feel good. I've been scared to say things are going well. I've been scared to say all these things because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm scared things will end up the way they did last time and Levi will end up living with Liam instead of us. I'm scared that if I'm happy about this baby, it'll mean I don't think Liam is as significant. I see at least one of my doctor's every two weeks and each time I go, I'm anticipating the bad news. And with each visit, the bad news doesn't come. I've made it to 22 weeks and 4 days with NO complications. My body is doing exactly what it's supposed to do.

When I was pregnant with Liam, I was in the hospital by now. I had suffered a stroke, my blood pressure was crap, I started to contract and dilate, my sac was bulging, and my kidney's were spilling 13 grahams of protein. This time, my blood pressure is awesome, my creatinine is better than my OB's, I'm spilling less than half a graham of protein (which means my lupus is under control), and this Goo is measuring 10 days ahead of schedule. What a difference the right treatment makes.With each week my hope starts to become greater than my anxiety. My faith becomes stronger than my fear.

I took a big step today. I shopped for the Goo. I bought his bedding, washed it, and made his bed. My mom bought him some clothes and diapers, Nick has painted the Goo's room, and we are actually starting to act like we are going to come out of this with a living baby. We are planning for Levi Benjamin like he is actually going to live with us instead of Liam.

I want to thank everyone for their love, prayers, and support. It means everything to us that we have such and amazing army cheering us on. I'm going to be pregnant all summer long in this Oklahoma heat and I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend my summer. Waiting for our Goo...

Protecting My Fruit

“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Psalm 127:3


I’ve decided to stop being a crybaby about cancelling our Hawaii trip. I have already been given a tremendous gift. One that I prayed for and dreamed about for many months. God is using my body to create human life. I need to take care of the gift I’ve been given. If that means waiting to go to Hawaii, so be it. Some people never have an opportunity to go to Hawaii and others never have an opportunity to have a baby. Am I disappointed? Of course, I am I’m human. When I look at the big picture, I would much rather have a baby (a healthy one) than go to Hawaii and risk it all.

Sometimes I forget that I’m not normal. I forget that being pregnant is a risk for me. A big risk. I have come so far and felt amazing for so long, that it’s hard to slow down and remember to take care of my body. This is a good reminder. Mother’s make all kinds of sacrifices. I have sacrificed Dr. Pepper and Hawaii and I’m sure there will be countless other sacrifices along the way. Would I have it any other way? No.

I can’t even describe how amazing it was yesterday to see our little baby during the ultrasound. Ah-ma-zing. We are so blessed. Seeing the baby’s heart beat was the best part of my day. Our baby is strong and healthy I couldn’t ask for anything more. Not even a trip to Hawaii.

P.S. Every once in a while my husband does something extremely brilliant. When he booked our tickets to Hawaii he bought insurance for the first time ever. So, we get our money back. That makes it a lot less painful. I just hope the Mallory’s will plan a future trip with us to celebrate our eleventh anniversaries.

One Down...A Million To Go

So, we had our first OB appointment today for our new little Goo. They confirmed that I'm pregnant. Whew. The appointment was rather uneventful, which in my case is good I guess. My goal is to keep these visits uneventful straight through October.

It was kind of a bummer because all patients have to see the physician's assistant for their first OB appointment and since we are so connected to Dr. Lofgren it was pretty weird to see someone else. Many times I caught myself wanting to say, "It's cool, yo. Just talk to Darla, she's got all the info." But I was polite and relived my OB history. We did get to see Dr. Lofgren as we were leaving so that was a relief. It was also a relief that she didn't serve me with a restraining order.We go back in two weeks for another visit (with Dr. Lofgren this time) and an ultrasound. I can't wait to see the little heart beat of our precious Goo.

I have to admit, I'm scared. I'm scared of losing this baby. I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared that my baby won't be healthy because of me. I'm scared that I'm doing something irreversible to my body. I have to have faith though. I prayed for this. A lot. I believe this is my answered prayer and God will be with me and protect me. Right now, my faith is stronger than my fear. My goal is to keep it that way.

More updates to come...

Big News

So I guess the cat is out of the bag. Nick and I are expecting a happy, healthy baby (and mommy) in October.The easy part is over, I got pregnant. Now let the excitement and waiting begin. We've been on quite the journey the last three years. If you read my blog, you know that we have been planning for this for months now.If you don't read my blog, you're probably not reading this right now anyway.  It has taken an amazing team of doctors and a lot of prayer to get us to this point and now there's no going back. I'm shocked at how easy it was.

I know we have a long road ahead of us, but for some reason I have an overwhelming sense of peace about this and know it's going to work out. I believe this is our answered prayer. I have faith that I will be OK and that we will get the result we've been hoping for ever since we had Liam.

I've been thinking about Liam a lot this week. I remember so vividly being excited when we found out I was pregnant with him. I remember all the love and support we received when we had such a devastating outcome with Liam. I have seriously been moved to tears today to see all the excitement from all those people who are still in our corner and rooting for us three years later.There are no words to express how much I appreciate all the love and support from everyone who has been cheering us on the last few years.

We would appreciate your continued prayers. Without them I truly believe we wouldn't be where we are today.