My Version

I've been pretty public throughout our entire journey over the last two and a half years. I know I have the right to be private about my life, and some people think I should be more private. With that being said, Nick and I have been "planning" something for the last few months that we've been keeping to ourselves. We had planned to keep our plans to ourselves until there was something to report, but somewhere inside me it felt dishonest. I've been so open and it has truly helped get me out of the hole. The love, support, and prayers were my lifeline. Who knows where I'd be had I not been so open and received such love and support. That same love, support, and prayers are exactly what we need right now as we continue this journey and we wouldn't get that if we stayed quiet. How could I not be open about this next part?

We kept quiet while we were planning this for obvious reasons. We needed multiple green lights from my plethora of doctors to move forward. The hardest green light I had to earn was Nick's. If you remember, the last time it was pretty scary for him. He almost lost Liam and me. He's not a gambler when it comes to my health and well being. We've often joked about how we wish he could be pregnant and have another baby for us, but the more I thought about it I decided he couldn't handle pregnancy. I'm way more tough when it comes to that kind of stuff. I went to work even though I was having a stroke, and he goes to the doctor for a hang nail determined it's fatal. Anyway, after much consideration and prayer, we decided to give ourselves the green light to try for another baby if we could get the medical professionals on board. You may have seen my facebook posts about changes in medication, this is why. We got our final green light yesterday from the woman who was there in our darkest hour. The woman who cried with us, held our hands, and saved my life. Dr. Lofgren gave me the green light, told me she wouldn't get a protective order against me, developed a plan, and finally pulled our goalie.

So here we go. We are going to attempt to become Zumwalt, party of five. I know we've made the right decision. I know this because when I got home from Dr. Lofgren's office yesterday, Liam's pinwheel was blowing and spinning like crazy even though there was very little wind. I know that was Liam telling me everything would be OK. If you're the praying type, we ask that you pray for our family, my health, and that this all works out. Stay tuned.

Mister Speaks

If you stay on this planet long enough, you’ll find you end up back where you started. No matter your path, direction, gender, nationality, it remains that noon will always come around again, and you’re guaranteed one sunrise and sunset.

I’ve taken that journey myself, although it seems I’ve had the longest night I can remember. If you’ve been reading this blog of my wife’s, you know what has happened, so I’ll spare you the details. If you don’t, then know that two and one-half years ago, our second son was born to us much too early, Laura having suffered a stroke in addition to other undiagnosed medical issues.

You don’t ever get over it, but you do get better with it—some days are a struggle for me to put one foot in front of the other, and other days are, well, as normal as you can be for burying your son. The point is, it’s been a long night of fitful sleep, the occasional nightmares, and longing for the dawn.

Surely, there’s some great lesson in all of this, or so people tell me. Sometimes I let that advice pass; sometimes I want to shake the person that tells me this. Reality is harsh on raw nerves and ravaged souls. My great lesson was this: take what you have and be thankful, thankful that my wife lived, thankful that my oldest son is such a gift, thankful for the friends and family who offered their love and support. But mostly, BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU GOT AND DON’T ASK FOR MORE. We dodged a bullet that rightly should have devastated my family. Laura escaped a stroke with no neurological deficits and came out with a diagnosis her doctors could treat.

No sane person looks down the barrel of a gun, dodges the first bullet, and asks for another trigger pull. We lock these people away. But what if the lesson is different? What if, as the long awaited dawn approaches, there is another purpose? Daylight can certainly bring clarity to a dreadful situation, for at the break of dawn comes hope. My favorite author, J.R.R. Tolkien rescues the hopeless at dawn. My faith’s oldest celebration, the Resurrection, is celebrated at dawn.

I am seeing the approaching dawn, and life is not hopeless. As a medical professional, I’m accustomed to risk, benefits, probabilities, prognoses, and the like. Medicine and nursing have taught me we know what we know, and that I don’t like to gamble. Gambling gets people killed.

Simply stated, my personal lesson is this: the test of my faith was not in whether or not my family and I would survive the awful loss of Liam with God’s help, but rather do I have faith that God will see us through to another child? Should I be content with what I have and not tempt destiny, or place my self and family solely in the hands of God? This is surrender.

We are no more in control of the giving and taking of life than anyone else on this earth, so let me get that out of the way. However, with the close monitoring of our doctors, adjustment of medications, the continuing remission of Lupus, and of course our faith, we have started our journey to attempt to bring another Zumwalt into this world, another sibling for Isaac and Liam, hopefully bringing our new count to Zumwalt, party of five. You see, it’s been a long night for us, but at dawn, we’re back where we started.

How'd You Do That?

People frequently ask me how we’ve gotten through the last two years. The reality is we didn’t really have a choice. We have Isaac. He was almost four. He deserved a mom and a dad. We didn’t have the luxury to completely fall apart although we came pretty close. He was also the best medicine. I can’t even remember how many times I said to Nick, “We have to pick ourselves up and keep going for Isaac and Liam.” I can’t lie, we still struggled. A lot. Still do. Sometimes it has been downright ugly and I’m not afraid to admit that. We aren’t perfect. Nobody is and everybody grieves differently. When all of this first started, we couldn’t look at the big picture. We had to take things one day at a time. Getting out of bed each day was a victory. Especially in my case since I was so sick and getting out of bed was a physical and emotional victory. Then we celebrated other small victories, we made it through the day without crying, or we saw a baby and didn’t completely fall to pieces. We kept putting one foot in front of the other. We would stumble along the way. A lot. But we always celebrated the fact that we got back up.

We also had our faith. When we were in the midst of everything we decided it was just too big for us. We had to trust in God that he would carry us through this journey. I remember quoting one of my favorite bible verses, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It’s true.We came out of a hole that was unimaginable. We also had our amazing family and friends that loved us and carried us through when we couldn’t carry ourselves.  Although many times we felt like we were alone and people didn’t care, that was not the truth. We couldn’t see it then, but the people we thought didn’t care, were struggling through their own grief journey because they loved us and were just as devastated by the situation as we were. When this tragedy affected our family, we were overwhelmed beyond belief and the outpouring of love and support that was expressed. People who loved us went above and beyond to help us whether it was by sending food, half of Target, praying, and on and on. People who barely knew us also showed there support. Perfect strangers donated money for a dining card and sent food and flowers to our house. Finally, we got through it together. It's no secret that many marriages that experience the loss of a child fail. Nick and I made a decision in the beginning that we were going to get through it together. We can accomplish anything as Team Zumwalt. Out of unbelievable pain came a strengthened relationship.

Bottom line, there is no right or wrong answer as to how we "got through" this terrible thing that happened to us. Truth is, it's an ongoing process and probably will be until we are reunited with Liam. Of course it gets easier and we appear to get stronger with time, but know that we still have broken hearts. Nothing will change that. We just had to learn to live in our new normal. October begins Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Please take a moment to pray for all the families just like mine that have experienced infant loss or miscarriage. It's a constant journey we are all still on.

LMZ

I still think of Liam every day, but lately I’ve been thinking about him a lot more. May 12, 2010 is his birthday, but September 7, 2010 was his due date. Since then, there hasn’t been a September 7th that has gone by that wasn’t completely emotional for Nick and I. This September, we should have a two year old running around our house. We should have Liam. He should be terrorizing Isaac by messing with all his toys, he should be terrorizing Nick and I with his terrible two behavior, and he should be terrorizing the dog by trying to ride him like a horse. That is what I thought our life would be like. That is what I’d hoped our life would be like. With that being said, our life is exactly how God intended it to be.

Our reality is that Liam is in Heaven. There is no better place for him to be, but I so desperately want him in my arms. I’m not mad that Liam is not here, and I never have been. Liam had a big purpose, he saved my life. I so desperately want to know him. I want to know this amazing human being that saved my life, but I must wait. Waiting is hard. Waiting is what we must do.

My intent for this blog is not to make you feel sorry for us. I’ve never wanted anyone’s pity. When I think of Liam it makes me happy. I want you to be happy when you think of Liam too. So many good things have come from our terrible tragedy. Nick and I are closer than ever, we appreciate Isaac even more, we have found a church home, and now that I have an accurate diagnosis I am healthier than I’ve been in a long time. It’s been two years since our ordeal and we still think of Liam daily. I like to remind everyone else about my son and the amazing thing he did for me. While our life is not how I’d hoped it would be, it’s still a wonderful life full of many amazing blessings and we are so grateful. Who knows what the future holds for Team Zumwalt. What I do know is whatever life throws at us, we'll get through it together. Just like we always do.

My 100th Post

This is my 100th post! Who would have thought? I first started this journey because I loved Isaac so much and he was growing up so fast, I wanted to document it all. I didn't want to forget all the highlights. I failed that time. Miserably. I still loved Isaac and had good intentions, it just didn't happen. I posted one time and lost my motivation.

I found that motivation more than a year later when I needed an outlet for my tremendous grief. I had a stroke, my son Liam died, and my world was crashing in around me. I was devastated. I was putting one foot in front of the other, but I was in a hole. Actually, it was more like a crater. I decided to blog again to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head so I could sleep at night. I had so many emotions after our tragedy that I didn't know what to do with it all. I didn't know how to get out of the hole crater. Little did I know that it would become such amazing therapy for me. Expressing my grief and all the feedback I received as a result helped get me through an extremely difficult time in my life. I like to go back and read my blogs and see how far I've come in my journey. I'm a different Laura than I was when I started the blog. I can see the transformation in my posts. Thank you to everyone who loved and supported me through this journey. I know I wasn't always easy to love. I am forever grateful to everyone who read my blog, provided feedback, and supported me throught it all.

Back To School

Well, I Isaac survived my his first day of first grade. Naturally, he had a fabulous day and was so excited to be back in the school routine. He loves school and learning so he was super pumped to get back in the school mode. I, on the other hand, was "that mom" all day. It was embarrassing.

 It really started last night when I couldn't sleep because I couldn't believe that Isaac is six and in the first grade. It just doesn't seem reasonable or possible. Then, after our morning routine it was time for the intense photo shoot that almost lasted until the bell rang to begin the school day. I was the crazy paparazzi mom that was taking pictures at home, outside the school, in the hall, and in the classroom.  I noticed that I was the last mom to leave. I promised the teacher that I wouldn't do that every day. She didn't seem too confident about that. I sure hope Isaac doesn't get made fun of for his crazy mom. I told him that I would walk him in on his first day every year until he went to college. For now, he's OK with that plan. Since I noticed I was the only mom left, I realized it was time to say good-bye and be on my way.

As soon as I left the classroom, the tears hit. Yep, I am that lady. You know, the crazy one. There's one in every school. At Wolfcreek, it's me. Nick and I decided to stop for breakfast before work so I could pull myself together. I cried the whole way to breakfast. From south Broken Arrow all the way to Utica Square. Sheesh. I think I get that trait from my Grandma. I'm 35 years old and she still cries when we say good-bye. I remember the last day of kindergarten and snotting all over Isaac's teacher as I was telling her good-bye.

I couldn't wait until the end of the day so I could hear all about Isaac's first day. Since he's a boy, I got very few details. I think he does it on purpose to make me even more crazy. I've made him tell several people about his day so perhaps I could get more details every time he told the story. It worked. I eventually learned that he had an assembly, went to Music, read, had snack, and unpacked all their supplies. Sounds like a pretty successful first day if I do say so myself. And bonus, I didn't stress about him starving to death like I did last year on his first day so maybe I'm growing up just a little bit too.

What The Heck Have I Been Doing?

I'll tell you what I've been doing, I've been having an amazing summer! I noticed that I haven't blogged since May 14th because I've been too busy enjoying the summer with my family. Despite the ridiculous heat, we managed to throw some fun in our summer.

We started off the summer by having Isaac's 6th, yes 6th, birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. On a Saturday no less. Am I crazy or what? Isaac had a great time and I survived so I'd call that a success. He said he wants to have his party at Chuck-E-Cheese again next year. At least I have a whole year to prepare myself. (Or at least try to change his mind). I still can't believe Isaac is 6. It still seems like just yesterday that I got to spend the summer at home with him on maternity leave. Time goes by too fast so I'm just trying to enjoy these precious moments when they happen.

Next, we got to spend the 4th of July in Washington, DC. What an amazing trip we had. We felt so patriotic to be in Washington on Independence Day. The fireworks were amazing. We were there five and a half days and probably only saw a quarter of the sights. There is so much to do and see that we will definitely have to go back several times to see it all. Isaac got to experience so many new adventures which made the trip that much more exciting for all of us. Everyone asked me what my favorite part of the trip was and I can honestly say my favorite part was being out of town with just my two boys. We were checked out from our life at home and got to spend tons of priceless time together. That was my favorite part.

We also had a weekend getaway to Eureka Springs this past weekend with my dad's side of the family. It was super fun to spend quality time with family in one of my favorite places. Isaac had a great time playing with his cousins and the Sea Witch, aka my Aunt Ellen.

The rest of the summer was filled with lots of time at the pool. Isaac started the summer wearing a life jacket. He's ending the summer swimming the length of the pool without a life jacket, treading water, floating on his back, and doing cannon balls. The recent summer Olympics also inspired him to do the backstroke, Michael Phelps should be worried.

Today was the last day of summer camp and Isaac will start school in a little over a week. I can't believe how fast the summer went by. I can't believe my son will be in first grade. In no time, it will be time for me to blog about how it's summer time again and Isaac has finished first grade. Time, please slow down!!! We had an amazing summer and I look forward to an equally amazing school year.