Only Thing Missing Was The Birthday Boy

Saturday evening we gathered to celebrate and honor Liam on his second birthday. It was a great little birthday party,  "the only thing missing was the birthday boy" as my nephew so sweetly put it. Most of the ingredients for a successful birthday party were there; balloons, cupcakes, family, friends, pinwheels. I can't help but think that Liam was there too. He may not have been there physically, but he was with us. He's always with us.

Honestly, Nick and I don't go to the cemetery very often. I'm not really sure why. Liam is buried in the Garden of Angels, which is a special location of the cemetery that is designated for children. Every time we go, there are numerous new rows of children that have been buried since our last visit. It's heartbreaking to see all the families that have joined this club. Maybe that's what keeps us away. However, I do like gathering there to celebrate his life and honor him. I like seeing his name. I like replacing the flowers. I like talking to him there. I like sharing him there with the other people that come to support us and honor Liam.

Nick and I found the irony of the party to be quite significant. We gathered at the cemetery to have cupcakes, release balloons into the sky, and sing Happy Birthday. We ended up doing all those things, then we witnessed the sweetest moments. The kids were playing and having a great time and they had no clue that beneath them were the bodies of children who could no longer run and play. Some of the departed children never had the opportunity to run and play. The kids at Liam's party had no idea that the place where we had gathered represented sorrow and loss. They simply enjoyed being with each other and found a way to have fun regardless of their location. This brought such peace to Nick and I. It was also a good lesson. Liam wouldn't want us to sit around and be sad at his party. He's in Heaven having an amazing time. He'd want us to do the same on his birthday. And so we did. Especially the kids.

Two Years

We've been on this journey now for two years today. This journey has been one of the most difficult challenges of our lives. It's still a daily challenge. It's been two years since we held our precious Liam in our arms and said good-bye. Undoubtedly, that was the most devastating good-bye we've ever experienced. On May 12, 2010 our hearts were broken. Although we've spent the last two years healing, there will always be a part of our hearts that is missing. We will never completely heal. Not because we don't want to, but because it's impossible to ever completely heal from the loss of your child, our flesh and blood. Liam is a symbol of the love Nick and I share. While he's gone from our lives in a physical sense, he will forever be a part of our hearts and our family.

I miss Liam. I miss him more than I can ever describe. I miss him so much it hurts. I long for him. The longing never subsides. I often wonder what he would have been like. Would he sleep through the night as early as Isaac did? Would he be as smart as Isaac? Would he be our trouble maker? Here is what I do know about Liam. He was feisty. He constantly moved in my belly. Constantly. I remember scolding him while he was in my belly telling him to calm down. I also know that during the 144 perfect minutes we did have with Liam, his heart heart tones improved when we held him and talked to him. He knew his family was there and it brought him comfort as he was dying. I know that Liam is a hero. He's a hero because he saved my life. If it weren't for him and that first OB appointment, who knows how long it would have been before we realized how poor my health truly was. This makes him the best little brother that Isaac could have ever had. I know that Liam was perfect in every way, because he was ours. I know that if he could talk to us today, he'd tell us to not be sad.

This weekend is my third Mother's Day being Liam's mom, but it's only my second that he's not with me physically. Our first Mother's Day together was spent in the hospital praying that Liam would live. Praying that I would be able to maintain the pregnancy and he would come home. Little did I know, that a few days later, Jesus would come for him and he would truly be home. This past week I finally read the book, "Heaven is for Real".  What a poinient week for me to read this book. If you haven't read it, it's about a nearly four year old son of a pastor who became gravely ill. After he recovered he revealed to his parents that he had been to Heaven and was greeted by Jesus. This little boy told stories he could have only known if he did in fact visit Heaven. He reported meeting his sister who he had no knowledge of prior to his illness. He also reported meeting his great grandfather who again, he had no knowledge of prior to his illness. When I read his story, I can't help but think that Liam's experience must have been very similar. I've always known that Liam and I would be together again one day as that's God's promise to me. After reading this book I can say with certainty that Liam is waiting for us and when we meet again it will be as if no time has passed at all.

So as we mark this second anniversary of Liam, it brings me great comfort to know that I will see him again. He's safe. He's waiting for us. And once we are together, we will never have to be apart for all eternity. Happy Birthday, Liam. We love you more than words can say and we miss you every single day.

Our Children

Our children. Those are words that we rarely utter. Mostly because we don't want to make people uncomfortable when they only see one child and ask about the missing one. I can't help but feel a little guilty every time I'm asked how many children I have and I lie for the sake of the other person.

If you follow my blog, you know this has been an ongoing internal struggle for me. The truth is, I have two children. I conceived and birthed two beautiful babies. Why is it so taboo for me to tell people that I have two children? One lives with me and one lives in Heaven and is waiting for me.

Why am I so afraid to tell the truth even if it makes the other person uncomfortable? Lying is making me uncomfortable. When I lie, I deny my son. I deny that he is a part of our family. I deny that I am his mother. Liam is real. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Liam. Not one single day. He lived inside of me for 24 weeks. He lived in our arms for the most glorious 144 minutes of our lives. We were Zumwalt, party of four. Nick and I have two beautiful children. Why is it so taboo for me to say that?

I'm Her Nurse/Doctor/Husband

I married well. I am brilliant for my choice in spouse. How smart was I to marry a nurse? Especially with all of my unique issues. I'm sure my husband would like a break from being a nurse during the day then again at home, but I can't help but be super pleased with my spousal selection.

Yesterday I got to experience Nick's bedside manner once again. I broke my ankle almost 6 years ago. My health issues have kept that ankle from ever really healing properly. It has been hurting really bad the past week and was hurting exceptionally bad yesterday. I have a really high pain tolerance, but yesterday it became unbearable. I managed to get ready for work and was actually getting ready to leave. I was telling Nick and Isaac bye and needed to sit down and get the stamina to get to the car. Once I sat down I got really sick to my stomach. Then I felt like I was going to pass out. That's the last thing I remember...

I thought I was waking up from a deep sleep so I was kind of shocked to see Nick standing over me with his fingers on my neck and the phone to his head. I heard him say she's awake now. He asked me if I knew where I was. The look on his face said "she better get this right" so I promptly and loudly answered "I'M AT HOME!" Then he asked me what day it was and again I knew how important it was to get it right so I boldly said "IT"S MAY 1st!" Nick still looked a little panicked so I just kept asking him what happened. He seemed mad when he told me I quit breathing and passed out. Not sure why that would upset him so much? Nick is prepared for any emergency so he had already started my IV by the time the paramedics arrived. They asked if he was my nurse and he was so flustered he said "No, I'm her doctor, no wait I'm her husband." After a few minutes I was scared but knew I was ok. Nick wasn't buying it and insisted I take a ride to the hospital with my new friends, the paramedics. I guess he still has a little PTSD from when I had a stroke, then nearly hemorrhaged to death after I had Liam. I wonder if all his patients stress him out as much as I do? Probably not.

Turns out I was right and I'm just fine. I just had a vagal response from the pain and getting sick from it. My resting heart rate is in the fifties to low sixties so it's not like I have far to go before I pass out anyway, right? There have been many times in life where I've felt like I was going to pass out but this is only the second time I've actually done it. And poor Nick has been by my side both times. I'm pretty sure I've taken at least 20 years off his life with all my shenanigans. I feel really bad for freaking my husband out like that but I'm so grateful that he is always my nurse/doctor/husband and always makes sure I bounce back from whatever ales me. I think it's his turn to have someone take care of him for a while. Thank you for always being my favorite nurse!

Keep Marching On

I am still trying to reflect on the events of this past weekend. We marched for Liam. We marched for Team Zumwalt. We marched for all babies and families affected by prematurity. Our story began in May two years ago. Our family was changed forever. We have experienced unimaginable grief. In that grief we have also experienced the most amazing love. Love we have for Liam. Love we have for each other. Love from Jesus. And love from so many people who have rallied around Team Zumwalt for the last two years.

I was reluctant to start a team for the March for Babies walk. It's been almost two years since Liam died and I didn't think anyone would join. I thought people had moved on. I thought they had forgotten about my son. I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to let Liam down. What a fool I was. I set my initial financial goal at $200. Within 24 hours, I had exceeded that goal. Because of the generosity of people who love us and love Liam, I increased my financial goal numerous times. I don't have a grand total, but according to the website, my team raised $1,092 and that does not include the money I turned in the day of the march from t-shirt money (thanks to my anonymous donor!!!!) and donations made in person. Unbelievable. People haven't forgotten. I didn't fail. I didn't let Liam down.

We had a total of 36 people on our team Saturday. Thirty-six. I am still blown away by it all. Plus, there were countless others who wanted to be a part of the team but couldn't because of distance, previous commitments, ect. Words can not describe how amazing it felt to see everyone show up in their t-shirts with Liam's name and footprints on them. I was at the back of the team during the walk and to see the "sea" of t-shirts sporting Team Zumwalt was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Two years ago when Liam died, we were showered with love, support, dinner delivery, casseroles, toilet paper, the entire inventory at Target and Sams, and so many other things. How silly I am to think that just because two years have past that our friends and family would act any different. How silly I was to think nobody would sign up. Nick and I have surrounded ourselves with some amazing people and shame on me for thinking that nobody would show up when we've never been let down by them before. Thank you to everyone that was there and walked with us. Thank you to everyone who wanted to be there but couldn't. Thank you to everyone who donated money in honor of Liam. Thank you to my anonymous donor. Thank you to everyone who loves my family and continues to support us. Thank you for remembering Liam. Know that I am eternally grateful to have you in my life.

Anonymous Generosity

Forgive me if I sound like a blubbery mess in this post as I am still overwhelmed by the generosity I experienced today. The t-shirts for the The March for Babies Walk were ready to be picked up today. I can't even describe the emotion I felt when I saw Liam's name and footprints on so many t-shirts. I tried to keep it together as I saw the stack of t-shirts that people wanted because of my son and the impact he had on our lives. Again, I'm struggling to come up with the right words to describe my emotion. I kept telling myself not to burst into tears in front of this nice lady I just met. I don't get to see Liam grow up, I don't get to see him laugh, I don't get to see him cry, I don't get to see him roll his eyes at me, but I got to see the impact he's had on this world in that stack of t-shirts. Ah-mazing!

So, I managed to keep it together in front of this very nice lady who really did an outstanding job on these t-shirts. (Her name is Molly at Challenger Sports in BA if you ever have a need for t-shirt printing) Anyway, I asked her what my total was and she said it had been taken care of. What? Excuse me? There must be some mistake. She informed me that an anonymous donor had paid for all the shirts. All. Of. Them. Thirty shirts, paid for by someone who must really really love us. I was speechless. I still am really. To know that I have people in my life that love my family in such a generous way leaves me feeling truly blessed. My tiny son has inspired such generosity and it makes me feel an overwhelming sense of pride and love. Thank you does not seem to sufice to our anonymous donor. I know you want to remain anonymous, but know that I know who you are. I hope that I show you the same friendship that you have shown me. I love you more than words and can't tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life.

Because of the genorosity of this anonymous donor, all of the money I will be collecting for the t-shirts will be donated to the March of Dimes in the hope that other families who experience premature birth and infant loss will experience the love and support that was shown to my family in honor of our son, Liam.

My Boo Has Glasses

So my Boo now wears glasses. I don't know why but this makes me very sad. I'm embarrassed to admit that when the form was sent home stating he failed his vision screening, my heart sank. He's only five. He's so cute. He's my perfect little boy. I know glasses won't change any of those things but it still made me sad. Isaac has such amazing blue eyes and perfect little freckles and it makes me sad they will be covered up by glasses. I know I'm being ridiculous. I know lots of kids his age that wear glasses and they aren't any less cute because of it. Not. One. Bit. So why am I being so ridiculous? Perhaps because I know from personal experience that glasses can be inconvenient. Especially as a child. I don't want things to be hard for him. I want to protect him from stupid kids who will undoubtedly make fun of him because he wears glasses. Kids are mean. Isaac is sensitive. I don't want anything to crush his sweet little spirit.

He's was so excited to wear glasses. He was so excited, he even lied during the eye exam. He claimed he couldn't even see the big E. Whatever, Kid. I know you better than you think and I know when you are lying. Once I explained that I was not going to buy him glasses because we couldn't figure out what his accurate prescription would be, his vision had a miraculous improvement. Although it wasn't enough to not need glasses. Bummer.

I think he's just as cute with his glasses, but for some reason I can't stop feeling bummed that this is his new reality. He got his dad's bad eyes. Oh well, at least he's healthy and happy and so far doesn't seem to have any of my weird genes. I know from experience that there are a lot worse things in life than glasses so I'll stop being whiney and be grateful that my poor son can finally see again.