How'd You Do That?

People frequently ask me how we’ve gotten through the last two years. The reality is we didn’t really have a choice. We have Isaac. He was almost four. He deserved a mom and a dad. We didn’t have the luxury to completely fall apart although we came pretty close. He was also the best medicine. I can’t even remember how many times I said to Nick, “We have to pick ourselves up and keep going for Isaac and Liam.” I can’t lie, we still struggled. A lot. Still do. Sometimes it has been downright ugly and I’m not afraid to admit that. We aren’t perfect. Nobody is and everybody grieves differently. When all of this first started, we couldn’t look at the big picture. We had to take things one day at a time. Getting out of bed each day was a victory. Especially in my case since I was so sick and getting out of bed was a physical and emotional victory. Then we celebrated other small victories, we made it through the day without crying, or we saw a baby and didn’t completely fall to pieces. We kept putting one foot in front of the other. We would stumble along the way. A lot. But we always celebrated the fact that we got back up.

We also had our faith. When we were in the midst of everything we decided it was just too big for us. We had to trust in God that he would carry us through this journey. I remember quoting one of my favorite bible verses, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It’s true.We came out of a hole that was unimaginable. We also had our amazing family and friends that loved us and carried us through when we couldn’t carry ourselves.  Although many times we felt like we were alone and people didn’t care, that was not the truth. We couldn’t see it then, but the people we thought didn’t care, were struggling through their own grief journey because they loved us and were just as devastated by the situation as we were. When this tragedy affected our family, we were overwhelmed beyond belief and the outpouring of love and support that was expressed. People who loved us went above and beyond to help us whether it was by sending food, half of Target, praying, and on and on. People who barely knew us also showed there support. Perfect strangers donated money for a dining card and sent food and flowers to our house. Finally, we got through it together. It's no secret that many marriages that experience the loss of a child fail. Nick and I made a decision in the beginning that we were going to get through it together. We can accomplish anything as Team Zumwalt. Out of unbelievable pain came a strengthened relationship.

Bottom line, there is no right or wrong answer as to how we "got through" this terrible thing that happened to us. Truth is, it's an ongoing process and probably will be until we are reunited with Liam. Of course it gets easier and we appear to get stronger with time, but know that we still have broken hearts. Nothing will change that. We just had to learn to live in our new normal. October begins Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Please take a moment to pray for all the families just like mine that have experienced infant loss or miscarriage. It's a constant journey we are all still on.