Family Traditions

I think it's important to have family traditions. Since I was a little kid one of the traditions in my family was the making of candy cane cookies. My sister and I still get together every year and make them and remember how much we enjoyed eating them as children. We never realized how much work my mom had to put into them until we started making them ourselves. But hard work or not, it's a tradition in our family and we make a commitment to each other to make them every Christmas.

I want Isaac to have memories of traditions we established during his childhood. A few years ago I decided we would make Christmas cookies together and decorate them. After the first year, it was so much work I swore I would never do it again. Then next year, I forgot about my commitment to never do that again and did it again. Isaac and I made 72 roll out cookies, iced them, and sprinkled them. It wasn't nearly as intense as the first year, but I had a hard time letting Isaac be totally hands on. Either he wasn't doing it my way or he was making a huge mess. It was stressful, but we accomplished my goal of establishing a family tradition. I'm either mellowing out in my old age, or this process is getting easier because Isaac and I continued our tradition last Sunday and we made over five dozen roll out cookies, iced them, and sprinkled them. This year I was eager to let Isaac be as hands on as he wanted and didn't care if he got messy or not. I didn't care if the cookies looked perfect or not. I decided before we started that I wasn't going to try and control Isaac and make him do things my way. This is supposed to be fun and we are supposed to be making happy memories, not stressful ones. Isaac LOVES to help so I let him. So maybe he licked the dripping icing off the cookies as he was icing them, who cares? (Well, maybe the people we share them with might care.)So maybe he had flour everywhere including his ears. So what if he stained his jammies with food coloring. He was having fun and we were making memories and establishing traditions. My hope is that when he is grown and has a family of his own, he will make cookies with his family and remember all the times he and I did the same thing together when he was growing up. I will cherish this tradition with Isaac for as long as I live. Man, I love that kid! Here's the evidence of our teamwork.

Where Did I Put My Pepper Spray?

Let me clarify, I would never pepper spray anyone in my family even though sometimes I'd really really like to. I'm being dramatic so all my child welfare friends can relax. The last thing I need is "the welfare" showing up at my house. I spend enough time with you people every day. But is it just me or do all kids get incredibly manic this time of year? It started the day after Thanksgiving at our house and has been non-stop. If I didn't know better, I'd think my five year old was on crack. Do they feed them something crazy at school this time of year? Aren't you getting sleepy yet, Isaac? Can you stop talking to me and asking questions for at least three minutes? Isn't it Daddy's turn to play with you? Do you have to put your hands on everything??? Why are you pretending to cut off all my limbs? Do you need therapy? Geez Louise!!! It's not just my kid either, I read your facebook posts. If it weren't the threat of "Santa" I'm pretty sure my five year old wouldn't make it to 2012 unscathed. (Again, I'm being dramatic.) Don't get me wrong, I have that childlike excitement this time of year too, but can we take it down from a 50 to maybe a 10? That'd be great.

Be Careful, We're Making Memories

So, we put up the Christmas tree. Isaac has been asking to do this for days. We finally made plans. We put it off as long as we could. The time is here. We're making memories. We start by pulling out the ornaments. I should preface this by informing you that our ornaments are all blown glass and pretty fra-gee-lay. And by fragile, I mean they don't mix well with an eager five year old who thinks he's grown. We're still making memories. While I'm distracted by talking on the phone, Isaac succeeds in dumping one of the boxes of ornaments out making a crashing sound. Nothing broke...this time, but there was yelling and tears involved. Isaac thought he wasn't going to get presents. Ah, just the memories I want Isaac to have. We're trucking along, and Isaac has deaf ears to us. At this point if I didn't know better I would've thought he was on crack. Still making memories?? We pull out our new ornament we got last year and I ask Isaac to bring me scissors so I can cut the tag off. My mistake was not telling Isaac to leave the ornament with me. He comes rushing back and drops the ornament. It shatters and glass goes everywhere. I had to walk away so I wouldn't yell. I had to keep reminding myself that "we are making memories here" so I kept it together. Barely. What wonderful memories Isaac is going to have. Nothing says Merry Christmas like barking orders, yelling, broken ornaments, tears, and the fear of no presents. Right?? What wonderful memories Isaac will have of decorating the Christmas tree with his parents. I just love making memories. Please tell me we aren't the only family with these types of warm fuzzy memories????

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving came and went. It's my favorite holiday. I come from an amazing family and Thanksgiving is really the only time besides weddings and funerals that we are all together. We had 24 people at our table for Thanksgiving and I am so thankful for each of them. I love being able to reconnect with my grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, their spouses, ect. We also enjoyed a second Thanksgiving with my husband's side of the family where we had 24 people at that table as well. I'm equally thankful for each of them. I have the most blessed life.
I am so thankful for my extraordinary son Isaac. I'm thankful for our little blessing Liam. I'm thankful for my faith that tells me I will be with Liam again one day. I'm thankful for my amazing husband who is my perfect match. Isaac and Nick's love is the fuel that keeps me going. I'm thankful for my health that continues to improve. A lot of people aren't as lucky. I'm thankful that God loves me even though I'm not perfect. I'm thankful for my mom and mother-in-law who are always there for us at the drop of a hat. Even though their children are grown, they continue to be amazing role models for us by showing their constant unconditional love and support. They both work so hard so their families will have happy and memorable holiday celebrations.
Even though Thanksgiving is over for this year, I hope that everyone who posted what they were thankful for remembers to be thankful for all the blessings in their lives throughout the year, not just on this one special day.

All Aboard Take Two

Polar Express is a popular movie in our house year round. Imagine our excitement when we learned we could experience the Polar Express for ourselves. We took our first trip last year around this time and it was magical. You may even remember me blogging about it as it was our first trip since our tragedy. We decided to go again this year and thankfully, my sister and her crew were up for another trip as well.

Last year we splurged and bought first class tickets. We didn't know any better. We had a great time. This year we just bought the regular price tickets and no lie, it was WAY more fun. The experience was just as magical and A LOT cheaper. The conductor was super nice and took a lot of time punching each of our kids' tickets just like the movie. Actually, all the character's interacted with the kids more this time around than they did in snooty first class. Santa was a big hit again as well, although my niece was pretty disappointed that he didn't ask what she wanted for Christmas. I told her to send him a text.

The hot chocolate and cookies were a hit again as well. Just like the movie. You can't even tell that Isaac was super duper sick.

Isaac and Brady are BFF's. I'm so grateful that Isaac has cousins his age that can be his pseudo siblings since his sibling bailed on us. I LOVE watching Isaac's face as he experiences something so magical. I'm sure the joy I feel watching him is exponentially greater than his joy.

Got Milk?

Got milk? Isaac finally does. I thought I'd give an update to Isaac's milk situation since I blogged about it so much at the beginning of the school year. You may remember that I was a nervous Nelly because I thought he was going to die at school if he didn't have me there to help him. Every mom feels that way, right? No? Oh, don't judge me. Anyway, just recently (as in late October/November) I have noticed that Isaac is getting milk nearly every day at lunch. I am so grateful for technology that allows me to spy on him and follow his account activity. What a relief for this momma. He still doesn't eat at school. Actually, he doesn't even eat the lunch he takes from home. I still think he's struggling with the "time limit" thing, but at least I know he's getting calcium and protein during the day. My cute little kindergartner is growing up and figuring things out without me. That little punk. Where does the time go? Sigh.

RIP Customer Service

It is my firm belief and recent experience that customer service is dead. Gone. Non-existent. I have experienced the death of customer service several times just today. I'll explain.

First, I'm on Coumadin due to my stroke. It's a pretty dangerous drug to be on and has to be closely monitored. I used to have an excellent doctor and nurse that took great pride in monitoring this for me. Then the doctor moved. Hence, I got a new doctor with the flightiest nurse I've ever experienced. She NEVER calls me back after I've had my PT/INR test done, which I pretty much do weekly. This week it got pretty dangerous. I had a headache for three days straight. I even stayed home sick on Wednesday. I found out today, several days after my test, that my PT/INR was nearly 4 which is pretty high. No wonder my head hurt. Thanks, nurse. Because of your irresponsibility and lack of customer service I could have nearly died. Again.

Next, I rented some movies tonight from Family Video since Isaac is sick. I put his first movie in the computer for him to watch while I watched one of my movies. My movie didn't work. Irritating. I tried to get it to work, then Isaac's movie was over so I decided to give up and put his next movie in. This must be my night, because lucky me, it didn't work either. Awesome. So, I drag my poor sick kid out to the movie store with both defective movies to swap them out. The super helpful teenager working simply polished and cleaned both my discs and sent me on my way. And by super helpful, I actually mean not helpful at all. Awesome. I get the movies home and put Isaac's back in to play and guess what? It still didn't work. Now, why didn't that super helpful teenager just give me a new movie. It's not like Gnomeo and Juliet is in high demand tonight. Right? And don't offer to compensate me for my trouble or anything. I love dragging my sick kid out to the movie store at night. I guarantee you, I will be compensated tomorrow when I take it back for the 3rd time. GRRRR!

But that's not all. After the movie store, I decided to compensate Isaac with ice cream since I made him go out at night while he was sick. Since I hadn't eaten dinner yet I decided to get something to eat for myself. I'm not a big fan of fast food so this was probably a bad idea from the beginning. I brought home Isaac's ice cream and my dinner and after about 20 more minutes of trying to get the stupid movie to work I finally get to eat. I open the bag ready to eat my chicken strips and guess what I find. Not chicken strips. Awesome! Can this day get any better?

I am convinced that people don't care about each other any more. I pride myself on customer service at my job and frequently my customers are criminals. So what's the super helpful teenager's excuse? So RIP customer service. I will still use you in my daily work, but I won't expect to experience you for myself anymore.

Another Milestone

It was one year ago today that I decided to start my blog again. Little did I know that this blog would become such a huge part of my grief journey. I looked back at my blog from one year ago today and I realized how far we've come in a year (or 17 months if you want to be technical). We are by no means "over" our grief. We will grieve forever. We lost our son, we will never recover from that. And when I say lost, I don't mean that literally, we know where he is, he's just not with us. We take great comfort knowing that we will be together again one day in the far, far future. As I look over my blogs from the past year I see a Laura who was lonely, overwhelmed by grief and loss, and was in a hole I never thought I find my way out of. Today, I'm a Laura who made it out of that hole and is enjoying the precious moments life has to offer.

Writing my thoughts and sharing them with others has been very therapeutic for me. Call it a public journal if you will. Getting everything out of my head helped me sleep and night, and the feedback from people who read the blog made me realize we were not alone on our journey. We have felt the love and support of many of you as a result of this blog. Plus, being able to share Liam with all of you, helped keep him close to us. Liam remains a huge part of our family. We still talk about him daily and I hope that you still think of him often too. I hope you will never forget what he did for our family because I will spend every day until I die being grateful to my Liam for saving my life.

The Good Lord Has Blessed Me

I already knew I had a pretty amazing kid, but spending the day on a field trip with 80, five and six year olds will surely make you realize when the good Lord has indeed blessed you. I'll start by saying I could never be a kindergarten teacher. Now, I don't want to talk bad about kids, but I'll talk about the things I appreciate in my own kid after my field trip experience today.

• I never realized how obedient my child was until today.
• I never realized how calm my child was until today. I would normally have refrained from using this term to describe my child, but after today it fits.
• I had a pretty good idea that my child didn't eat as much as normal kids, and today that was confirmed. Dang, how can those parents afford to feed some of those kids.
• I knew Isaac was smart. That again, was confirmed even more so.
• Some kids live in their own little world. They may even hear voices. Oh wait, I wasn't going to talk bad about helpless children. But, dang. That's all I'll say.
• My kid is the "Debbie Downer" of the bunch. While talking about expected behavior on the bus Isaac chimed in with information on how they would exit the bus if it were to tip over on it's side on the way to Porter. Awesome. So then the other kids chimed in with how they would react if the bus caught on fire. Yes, my kid started the "doom and gloom" conversation. So. Proud.

With all of that being said, I had an amazing time today with my kid on his first real field trip. It was fascinating to watch him in his school environment and how he interacts with his friends and teacher. I am so grateful to have the kind of job that allows me the opportunity to make memories like that with my favorite kindergarten boy!

I Am The Face

Today's the day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Did you know that 25% of women will experience pregnancy or infant loss. You all know, I am one of those women. I'm a survivor of infant loss. I didn't ask to be in this club, but I am a member. "Stillbirths (the death of a baby after 20 weeks gestation) occur in one in every 160 pregnancies–about 60 stillborn babies every single day (March of Dimes)." That was me. That was Liam. I can't think of any greater loss I will experience than the loss of my child.

Many people don't know what to say to women who experience this tragedy. They also tend to think the mom/dad just want to move on and not talk about the baby they lost. This is untrue. I remember wanting to talk about Liam to everyone. I remember wondering if I was making people uncomfortable by talking about Liam and our loss. I still tend to apologize sometimes when we talk about him. Fortunately, we've been surrounded by wonderful people who let us talk about Liam and even ask about him. Today is about bringing awareness to everyone on this topic so all mom's and dad's who experience this tragedy can talk about it and feel as supported as Nick and I have.

Today we will honor Liam and all the other precious babies that never had the opportunity to live their earthly lives. Although I didn't get to keep Liam, he will always be my child. I will always be his mom. I will always remember what he did for me.

Small Victories

I'm celebrating small victories!

• I walked up three flights of stairs four times today.


• I was tempted to eat out for lunch, but politely declined.


• I stuck to my one pop a day rule.


• I did the elliptical for 21 minutes after dinner.

Keeping Promises

It's pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness week. That's got me thinking of Liam even more than usual. Right after he died I promised that his death wouldn't be in vain. I would use it to grow, help others, and GET HEALTHY.

I have decided to really focus on the "get healthy" promise. I've been working with my team of doctors for a year now to get my Lupus under control. It's been a long road, but that road has lead me to remission. For the most part my Lupus has been under control and my kidneys are better than they've been since before Isaac. I can pretty much check that part off the "get healthy" promise checklist.

Now, I must focus on the nex t part of getting healthy...my weight. I've been overweight for years. I've been on high doses of steroids off and on for many years which hasn't helped with my weight. However, I can't blame the steroids for everything, as much as I'd like to. Lifestyle plays a huge roll. We all know it. I kept hoping I'd wake up one day skinny, but it never happened. Shocker. There's no magic quick fix. Not sure why I ever thought it would be easy. It takes work to be healthy. I should know that better than anyone. So, I've been exercising more the last few weeks which feels good. It may be a walk around the block, or a bike ride around the neighborhood, but it's something. It's a start and you have to start somewhere.

Since I know that "every little bit helps" and I was feeling really inspired today, I decided to turn over a new leaf and take the stairs at work. Gasp. No, really. I was gasping for air. It's only three flights of stairs, but son of a nutcracker it was hard. I was praying nobody would talk to me from the door to my office as I was way to winded to have a conversation at that moment. I might have cussed a few times on the way up, but I was so proud that I did it. I even made my dear friend Christy take the stairs with me too. She and I have been talking about this for weeks and I decided today was the day. We were going to take baby steps and start with one flight at a time, but I decided we needed to go big or go home. I WILL NOT give up. I made a promise to my son. I'm sure by Thanksgiving Christy and I will be jogging up those three flights of stairs.

I have two reasons for going public with this information. 1. It helps to be accountable to someone. Even if it's anonymous blog readers. 2. The love, support, encouragement, and prayers I have received as a result of my blog has made a tremendous impact on my life and my journey to healing. I started this blog to chronicle the life I share with Nick and Isaac and it has turned into so much more. It has truly been therapy to me and if you are reading this, I can't thank you enough. The feedback I have received has truly changed me. It's made me better.

Jason Jopher

Who is Jason Jopher you ask? Well I'll tell you. He's Isaac's imaginary friend. Poor Jason gets blamed for a lot of things in our house. "I didn't do it, Jason Jopher did" is a common phrase in our house. Just this morning Jason Jopher got blamed for leaving the refrigerator door open, which leads me to wonder if Jason is still Isaac's imaginary friend or his scapegoat.

I used to be pretty confident that Jason Jopher was a real imaginary friend. (As real as imaginary friends can be, that is.) They played and talked a lot. Jason even "died" for a while when Isaac had a couple of real live friends living across the street. But, ever since his living breathing friends moved, Jason reappeared. I ask Isaac all the time what Jason looks like and I never get a straight answer.

Lately though, I'm wondering if Jason Jopher is just an excuse for Isaac. Like this morning. Clearly, Isaac left the refrigerator door opened, but to avoid getting in trouble he blamed Jason Jopher. Clever little kid, huh? As far as Jason goes, I'm not sure he's the kind of friend I want Isaac to have. Seems to get him in trouble a whole lot. I really need to find some humans for Isaac to play with.

Yikes!!

Do you ever go back and read some of your old blogs and think "Yikes, I know I proof read that. How'd I miss that ginormous grammatical error?" Or "Yikes, I spell checked too, why is there so many misspellings?" No? Just me? Oh, ok then.

Jeez Louise, I'm a fairly intelligent person, but reading over some of my past blogs I'm embarrassed. I even made good grades in college comp class. Glad none of these blogs are being submitted for a grade. They're just in internet land for all time. Awesome. I'll be more careful in the future. My bad.

FAMILY

Family, it's what I live for. I do everything for my family. Without them, I'd have no purpose. The funny thing about family is sometimes they make you inpatient crazy, other days I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to go on without them.

I have an amazing extended family. My family through marriage is pretty amazing too. That's who this blog is about. See, my inlaws have been through some life altering changes recently. Nick's grandmother has reached the point in her life where she is no longer able to live on her own. I remember one of the last times we visited his grandmother at her home, she had me open some cans of soup for her. I offered to heat them up for her, but she assured me she could do it herself. As we left, I had a sick feeling that she was going to eat the soup right out of the can. It made me so sad. I knew at that point that what my inlaws were right, she couldn't live on her own. But why alter their lives? Although it was none of my business and not my decision, I had questioned the decision to move her in to their home. This would change their lives. Three generations in one home. They were still raising kids. It would be hard. It is hard. But, it was the right thing to do. How can I be so sure? Just look at his Memaw.

We have been taking Memaw to church with us on Sunday's and I can see such a tremendous difference in her. She walks better, she finds her words better, her color is better, and she's happier. Most of the time, she even remembers our names. Don't kid yourself, it's not all sunshine and roses. I'm sure they fight. I'm sure my mother-in-law is frequently tempted to slip some sleepy medicine in Memaw's food at least once a day. I'm sure they all question the decision weekly, but the last years of Memaw's life will be infinitely better all because my inlaws have made huge sacrifices. Particularly my mother-in-law who is her primary caregiver. Talk about an impossible job. My mother-in-law is a wife, mother, nurse, cook, housekeeper, taxi, banker, family manager, secretary, and on and on. Memaw is so much healthier, because of family. Say it with me...family. Family is the best medicine.

Mother Of The Year...Not!

I have a "proud parenting moment" to confess. First, let me define "proud parenting moment" for you. By "proud parenting moment" I mean one of those parenting moments where you realize you really sucked and hope and pray you haven't damaged your child for life.

Let me set this up for you. I have been blessed with an extremely well behaved child who aims to please adults and those in authority. Those who know Nick and I well, know who he gets that trait from. Hint: it's not Nick. Anyway, last year in school Isaac got in trouble once. He scratched a girl who was bothering him. Isaac was very honest about it and told me the second I picked him up. If you ask me, she had it coming. If you ask the teacher, she had it coming. If you ask her parents, I'm sure they'll disagree with me and the teacher. Even with that incident he came home with a good behavior sticker every school day. Every. Day.

This year in kindergarten, they have a similar behavior chart that comes home daily. I checked Isaac's yesterday and he didn't have a stamp. I asked if he got in trouble at school and he said no. I asked why he didn't have a stamp, he said he might of been in trouble during rest time, but he was on "green" all day. I explained to him he must have been in trouble otherwise he would have received his stamp. Isaac then started crying big, sad, I didn't do it tears. We had a conversation about lying and how he would be in more trouble for lying. Isaac's explanation was that Mrs. Wilson must have forgot to stamp his chart. Isaac doesn't lie, why would I doubt him? I did though and was very disappointed that he didn't feel safe enough to tell the truth.

Nick took Isaac to school today and asked Mrs. Wilson what color Isaac ended up on yesterday. She quickly informed my husband that Isaac was on green, and that he was always on green. Apparently, Isaac was right. She had forgotten to stamp his chart yesterday. He came home today with the stamp filled in for Tuesday. Oopsie.

Man, do I feel like a giant DB. Why wouldn't I believe my kid? He has never given me any reason to doubt him. So there you have it, my "proud parenting moment" for this week. Poor Isaac. Hopefully he's not scarred for life. Yet.

9/11 Ten Years Later

I've been watching the 9/11 footage all weekend thinking I should blog about it, but there just doesn't seem to be appropriate words to describe how I feel about that day. Ten years ago, I wasn't a wife or mother. I had been at my "grown up" job for about a month. My dear friend Nick, was just a few days into basic training with the army, hoping to get a little college money. I had no idea that him being in the army and my concern for him would bring us closer together to the point where we would get married a year later. I remember none of us at the Justice Center that day were very productive, we were all glued to the TV. We were confused, angry, scared, united. I remember being glued to the non-stop coverage then much like I am now.

You all know I have experienced tragedy. What I have experienced is nothing compared to those who died or lost loved one's ten years ago. My loss wasn't because of hate. I watch stories of the victims and my heart is so heavy for the widows/widowers, the parents who lost children, the children who lost or never knew their parents, and all the rescue workers who so bravely ran into those towers that day to save lives. My heart is also heavy for all the service members who have selflessly and bravely fought to keep me and my family free and safe.

My life has changed a lot in the last ten years, but I will never forget. I'm not sure how anyone ever could.

Peace Out Summer

Since college football has officially started, it can only mean one thing. Summer is over. Despite the ridiculously insane temperatures this summer, I'd say Team Zumwalt had a super fantastic summer. We had lots of family time riding bikes, swimming, playing outside, and watching movies when it was too hot to do much else. We had a super fun vacation that ended our summer on a high note.

It was a great summer indeed, but I'm not sad to see it go. I love fall. It's my favorite time of year. I love college football season, although I'm not a huge fan of any particular team. I love game day even though I don't really have a team I root for. Maybe it's the football munchies I like most. Maybe I like it because it's a connection to college. Fall brings back so many memories of going back to college, which were some pretty amazing times in my life. I met some of the most amazing people I've ever known in college, particularly Team James. Those are some good people. If you don't know them, you're missing out.

Fall is also a time for Team Zumwalt to purge, which if you read my blog regularly, you'll know that purging the clutter was one of my New Year's Resolutions. The last two weekends, we have been purging fools. It feels good to get rid of all the clutter. Fall is almost here my friends, and I can almost smell the smores, pumpkins, and soups already. I can feel the crisp evening air in my lungs and I'm ready to make the next season as amazing as the last!!! Bring it!

The Kindergarten Diet

So, apparently my concerns about my child starving to death at school were not entirely unwarranted. It's been a week now and I figured we'd have this lunch thing figured out by now, but it seems as though it's a work in progress. The two days he had school last week he took his lunch to school. He was able to successfully open and close his lunch box so at least that worked out. He was not however, able to figure out how to buy milk. I sure am glad I sent a drink with him on the off chance he wasn't able to work it out. (I probably should explain why I'm so concerned about this milk thing. See, my child is weird. He doesn't drink juice boxes, capri-sun's, or any of that type of drink. Bizzarre, right?) Then comes Monday. He decided to eat in the cafeteria since they were having pizza. I was excited of course because I though he would finally be able to figure out this milk situation. He said lunch was good and he got milk. Success, finally. Or not. He told me the next morning that he wasn't able to finish his lunch and the lady made him take it to the classroom. Apparently, I have a slow eater. After he stood in line for food, he didn't have enough time to finish his lunch. Fortunately, they let him take it to class so he wouldn't starve. So, he decided to take his lunch after that so he'd have more time to eat. Tuesday he promised me he got milk although I didn't see on his account where he was charged for it. That probably means one of two things. 1. I have a thief for a son. 2. I have a liar for a son. I'm not sure which I would prefer, but oh well. Today, he came home and he had only eaten his sandwich for lunch. Nothing else. How do I know this? Well, I went through his lunch box. But he has also been a bottomless pit since he got home. We had only been home an hour and he ate two snack size M&M bags, a Hershey's mini, two Gogurts, and some pringles. All before dinner. Clearly he was starving, so I asked him why he didn't eat his lunch. He informed me he just didn't have enough time. Clearly my child has no concept of time. That or he's a ridiculously slow eater. They even have recess before lunch so I would think he'd be ravenous enough to eat quickly. Not so, apparently. Call me crazy though, it does seem a little frantic to expect five year olds to eat in just 20 minutes. I just hope he gets in the swing of things soon, all this worrying about his lunch is exhausting.

First Day!

It's been an emotional day and I've been a hot mess, but I'm happy to report that we survived the first day of kindergarten. I was prepping Isaac for school and was telling him I would leave work early to pick him up and he wouldn't have to start the after school program until Monday. Here's where it gets painful: Isaac told me he didn't want to be picked up, he wanted to go to the after school program today. Ouch. I pulled myself together, and we were on our way (after the insane paparazzi moment we had at home). We were taking a few more pictures when Isaac asked us "are you guys going to leave?" Uh, not how I had pictured this going, but ok. I said "should we leave?" To which he replied "yes." Just then, I'm pretty sure I was stabbed in the heart although I saw no bleeding. So we quickly left and went to the Boo Hoo breakfast that was hosted by the PTA. I didn't see any boo hoo-ing going on so I had to try real hard to keep it together. I didn't want to be that mom.

I thought about him all day. I couldn't help myself. I'd watch the clock and wondered what he was doing at that moment and couldn't wait to pick him up. Finally, at 4:30 I couldn't stand it any longer and I left work to go get my big kindergarten boy. I walked in and found a boy who was about to crash. His big day had worn him out. Once we got home, I forced him to sit down and tell me every detail. After about 30 seconds of the play by play he said "and then we did blah blah blah, and when I say blah blah blah, that means we did a lot of stuff." Priceless. I asked him if he made any new friends today and he said "no, but probably I will tomorrow."

I still can't believe he's in kindergarten, but I'm so glad he had a good day and loves school. And I know you will all be as relieved as I was to know that he did not starve today as he was able to open his lunch box.

My Baby's Starting Kindergarten and I'm A Hot Mess!

Tomorrow I will be the proud parent of a big kindergartner. Isaac is fine, but I'm having major first day jitters. I haven't slept well all week. Isaac was in Pre-K last year so it's not like we are new to this public school thing. I find myself worrying about the most ridiculous things. I'm almost embarrassed to admit what I've been obsessing about. For example, the lunch box Isaac picked out is ridiculously hard to open. The crazy side of me has been worried all week that he won't get to eat lunch because he will be too afraid to ask a grown up for help. The rational side of me says that will never happen as my kid has never been afraid to ask a random grown up a question. Fortunately, my husband was able to tweak the lunch box and we've been practicing opening it so I'm pretty confident Isaac will be able to eat tomorrow. But what if Isaac wants milk with his lunch tomorrow? How will they know we put money in his account so he can have some? This is what has been keeping me up at night. I told you I'm crazy, right? Maybe I'm just having a hard time comprehending that Isaac is old enough for kindergarten. He's becoming such a neat kid and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the reality that he's growing up so fast. Hopefully, I'm not the first crazy mom of a kindergartner. I'll end it there as it's a school night...

Last Day And New Beginnings

Yesterday was Isaac's last day of daycare. It was bitter sweet because it means two things.
1) Isaac is off to bigger and better things.
2) Isaac is off to bigger and better things.
The daycare Isaac went to was pretty special. They were the first and only people besides family that we've left Isaac with. When you work in the field I do, it's hard to leave your kid with just anybody. They are some special people and I'm pretty sure Ms. Pammy and Ms. Elaine love Isaac almost as much as we do. But, Isaac is done with daycare now and will start kindergarten on Thursday. Kindergarten? When did that happen. Didn't I just birth him last week? He's growing up so fast and I just can seemed to process it as fast as it's happening. Maybe every parent feels the same way. I'm really excited though. I think Isaac is pretty bright, so I'm excited for him to start school again and watch him learn and grow. He learned so much in Pre-K and that was only half a day. I just wish it wasn't happening so fast. He keeps talking about "when he's a grown up" and "when he has his own house". To him, it seems so far off, but to me I know it will be here in the blink of an eye.

Life Really Does Go On

This time last year, I remember people telling me things will get easier. They said I would never forget, but with time the pain would lessen. I only half way believed them. I'm a reasonable person who had experienced grief before so I knew it would probably at some point sting a little less. At that point we had just buried our son and we were drowning in grief so I couldn't really see past that. I knew my life would never be the same and it isn't, but in spite of our tragedy, my life is as good if not better than it was before. You can either wallow in your grief and let it eat you alive, or you can pick yourself up and rise above the tragedy. It's hard to be bitter about what happened to us because so much good has come from it. I had two follow up appointments today with the Hematologist and the Rheumatologist (the new one, not the old one that nearly let me die). It's amazing to see my progress from a medical standpoint. I mean, I know I feel good, but to have labs and doctors tell me I'm actually doing good is proof, life really does go on. A year ago, I didn't think that was possible. I still love and miss my precious Liam every day, but can't help but be giddy when I think about how he saved my life.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted!

Vacation 2011 is now in the books. It has been a while since our last real vacation. August of 2009 to be exact. And those of you that know me, know that vacation was more of a nightmare than a relaxing vacation. I broke one of my front teeth on a water bottle (the first day), my mom and Nick were both super sick, Nick got a speeding ticket and Isaac was a fussy three year old. Vacation fail. We had high hopes for this vacation, it had to be better than the last. I've learned to not say it can't be worse because again, those of you know me, know I've learned it can always be worse.

I'm happy to report everyone had an amazing time and we made some wonderful family memories. We rode an old steam train through the mountains, took a mine tour, vegged out, spent a day in Breckenridge, and had some much needed retail therapy at the outlet stores. I just wish vacation could last forever. I love spending so much quality time with my family. Plus, the cooler weather and the amazing scenery made it that much more enjoyable. And, the condo had a washer and dryer so we did laundry the day before we left which means I'm not spending my last day off doing a ton of laundry. Yay!

I come from a family that took several vacations a year. "Life" has gotten in the way of us doing the same for Isaac. It makes me sad. I had been on an airplane before I was two, was skiing by 6, left the country by 11, and traveled throughout Europe by 20. Isaac has never been on a plane, and has only been to four states so far(Five if you include Oklahoma which I don't). Yikes, I have some work to do. So my plan today since I'm not doing laundry, is to start researching our next vacation. Life is short, too short to be working all the time.

Perspective By Laura

The cable is out and I started to get annoyed, then I realized how dumb that was to be upset that the cable wasn't working. It's cable. Big deal. I should know from experience that there are A LOT worse things in life than the lack of cable. What a diva attitude. So, I have to put things into perspective.

1. I've come close to death. If I can survive a stroke, blood loss, and near kidney failure, I can surely survive the cable being out. You don't have to have a near death experience to realize this.
2. If I can survive the death of my precious little son, Liam I can surely survive the cable being out.
3. I have a job where I witness the worst of human kind. I've heard about things happening to children that you can't even imagine. If I can do that work for ten years, I can survive the cable being out.
4. It's 104 degrees outside with no end to the heat wave in sight. I have a nice air conditioned home to stay cool in and many are not as fortunate. Many people can't afford to cool their homes. Many air conditioners are failing with this excessive heat. Mine is not. It's pretty crispy in my house. I think I can survive the lack of cable.
5. I've been married for nearly nine years. While my marriage is in no way perfect(because nobody's is), and we continually have to work at it, I'm blessed to have the relationship and husband I have. My husband is my rock. He gave me two beautiful children. My husband could have become a single dad last year when I had those "health issues". If we can survive that, we can surely survive the lack of cable.
6. I have health problems. I have good insurance that allows me to recieve excellent care for my health problems. The kidney medication I have been taking for the last year would cost me $1400 dollars a month if I didn't have insurance. I pay nothing. I'm fortunate to be covered by two insurance policies. What would happen to my kidney's if I wasn't able to take the medication that has changed my life? I wouldn't be able to afford cable if it weren't for my insurance. So, I think I can survive the cable being out.
7. I have two beautiful children. One lives with me, and one lives in Heaven. I am blessed beyond measure. I know extraordinary people that would be great parents that have not yet been given that gift. It doesn't seem fair. In my daily work I see people treat children like trash, yet people who would make amazng parents have to struggle. I think I can survive the lack of cable.

You see where I'm going with this. It just takes a little perspective to realize that "the cable being out" is not the end of the world. And whatever your "cable being out" moment is, I hope you stop and try to gain some perspective. Sometimes we get so spoiled and consumed with things that don't matter, that it's hard to keep perspective on what really does matter. Now, perhaps I should figure out what's wrong with the dumb cable since I'm out of things to say. Kidding!

P.S. I've fixed the cable situation so I'm off to watch Big Brother and The Bachelorette now that I have some perspective.

My Sweet Liam

My dearest Liam,

I'm positive I've figured out the reason why you were put in my life for a brief moment. Had it not been for you, I never would have made that OB appointment and discovered how "sick" I really was. The day you were born and ultimately died, I made a promise to you that I would get healthy. I would do whatever it took to overcome these health problems so I could be a good mom to Isaac. I didn't want your death to be in vain. I'm happy to report I've kept my promise. I'm healthier than Ive been in a long time. I have you to thank for that. I can't say it enough, if it weren't for you I wouldn't have the life I have now.

I've learned a lot from this experience. I learned to be grateful for the little things. I learned that good can come from something bad. I learned that life is precious and you have appreciate each moment. I've learned that attitude is everything. I've learned that kidneys are stupid but you still have to take care of them. I've learned that Lupus is serious but if your tough you can beat it.

This I know for sure, you were a tiny gift with a big purpose. You did well. I love you for that. I still think of you daily. Especially when I'm enjoying my time with Isaac. We will be together again one day my sweet Liam. Until then, know that I am grateful for what you did for our family.

All my love,

Mommy

Summer Fun

Since I've been feeling so good we are having one of the busiest summers I've experienced for as long as I can remember. I work all day, then come home and play hard with my favorite five year old. I don't know who is having more fun, him or me!

Our neighborhood has an annual 4th of July parade where the fire department comes out with a couple of trucks and we all decorate bikes, wagons, dogs, and strollers and take a walk behind the fire truck. Then the fire truck hooks up to the fire hydrant and sprays the kids. It's a great opportunity to get to know your neighbors. We even discovered that a girl from Isaac's class lives just around the corner. This year. I was either feeling really good or the heat got to me because I apparently agreed to take over the parade planning for next year. Yikes!

Ive also been feeling so good I did something I haven't done in a very long time! Wait for it...I went to the mall, on a Saturday, and spent a long time there!! Gasp! Isaac had fun since he was able to get a new friend from Build A Bear and he got to ride the carousel. And I was able to replenish my wardrobe since it had been so long since I've had the energy to shop.

My husband has started a Master's program this summer so we are frequently leaving him behind when we go on outings but he's been able to hang with us when he can.

We've been going to the pool so much this year, I'm pretty sure we should have just bought a membership somewhere. We go about three times a week, most of which are week days after I get off work. I remember the days when I would come home from work and spend the entire evening recovering because my work day had wiped me out. I remember feeling terrible about this as I didn't want Isaac's childhood memories to be of a mom that was "sick" all the time. I'm not worried about that now!!

The plan is to keep going ninety to nothing. Summer is short. We're going to live it up.

Lupus Can Suck It

Dear Lupus-Nephritis,

You can suck it. You tried to attack me, but you sure can't beat me. I'm tougher than you. You gave it a good fight as I was pretty sick for a lot of years. You even tried to sabotage my kidneys, but again, I'm way tougher than you and I fought back. You tried to make my life harder than it needed to be. Because of you, my baby was born too soon and is now waiting for me in Heaven. You'll be sad to know that he's going to have to wait a long time because I've got work to do here and you're not going to win. I'm not bitter though. What does not kill me makes me stronger. Try to attack me again, we'll see who's the toughest. I'm betting it's me. I feel better than I've felt in a long time and I'm finally living the life I was meant to live. Just ask my family, they can barely keep up with me these days. You will never win in a battle with me and neither will your best friends, Mr. Grief and Mr. Stroke. I told them who's boss too!

Nice try,
Laura

Freedom

As we celebrate the 4th of July and our Freedom, I must say I am grateful for a whole new freedom. While I'm still grateful to live in free country and even more grateful to all the military men and women who continue to devote their lives to protecting my freedom, I am also grateful for a new kind of freedom. As you all know, I've had health problems since I was six so considering my age, that's nearly all my life. I've struggled nearly my entire adult life with the symptoms of my chronic illness. Sometimes, even the smallest task such as squeezing the shampoo bottle or turning the ignition in my car was unbearable. I'm not really complaining about that though, I think it helped make me tough. Emotionally and physically. But, in the last year I have finally been accurately diagnosed therefore I am being treated accurately. I'm 34 years old and I finally feel good. To me, that's a whole new freedom. I've spent my summer swimming with my kid, playing outside with my kid, riding bikes with my family, and spending our weekends doing fun family outings. To me this is freedom. And because of it hopefully my son will have fabulous memories of his childhood instead of memories of his mom being sick all the time. Freedom.

Zumwalt, Party of Three

As you all know, my family consists of the three of us...Zumwalt, party of three. We tried to make it Zumwalt party of four, but you all know how that turned out. If you haven't heard, refer to my blog post titled Let's try thig again: http://thelifeofazumwalt.blogspot.com/2010/10/lets-try-this-again.html. We still consider Liam as a huge part of our family, but let's face it, we never got the opportunity to be a family with him. Recently, I've really been thinking about Isaac and the impact all of this has had on him. In his five short years he has dealt with a mom who has battled a plethora of health issues including stroke, near kidney failure, RA, Lupus, and the birth and death of a sibling. He seems like a perfectly normal and well adjusted child considering all he's been through. But I can't help but feel sorry for him for missing out on the opportunity to be a big brother. Like most children with siblings I enjoyed having a sister 90% of the time as a kid. There were those times when my sister was tying me up, bossing me around, or telling me I was adopted that I wished I was an only child. But I truly enjoyed having a sibling growing up and now that I'm an adult I enjoy it 100% of the time. I want that so badly for Isaac. Isaac frequently asks why we only have one kid in our family and it's painful to answer. I so desperately wanted it to be different for him. I tried my hardest, but it didn't work almost at the cost of my life too.

These thoughts have been consuming me lately, so much so that the only thing I can do is pray and ask God what His plans are for my family. I know what doctor's are telling me about having another child, and several of them have made their opinion very clear. Maybe that's God giving me my answer. Maybe not. I've also noticed several families of three lately and can't help but wonder if that's my answer from God. Am I just being stubborn and not listening?

Nick and I have so much to give. Isaac deserves a sibling. I never pictured my life as being the parent of an only child. I know I should be grateful as I know many deserving people who are not as fortunate as I am to be the parent of at least one child, and I am. Being a parent is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I thank God every day for Isaac especially since we lost Liam as I realized how fortunate we were to have a healthy baby five years ago. I know I shouldn't have another child just so Isaac won't be an only child, but I can't stop the "only child" thoughts from consuming me lately. Maybe I need a new hobby to save me from my head. I guess I just need reassurance that Isaac will be ok, even if he's an only child.

Lawn Wars

Summer, a time for fun in the sun, swimming, lemonade, and lawn wars. Yes, you heard me right, lawn wars. I just have to say that I love my husband dearly, he is the love of my life, my one and only. With that being said, he is the biggest freak when in comes to our yard. I think he may love our yard, particularly the "edge" as much as he loves us. He is extremely competitive with our yard and will plan his mowing very precisely so that it will make the neighbor's yards look unkept even if they have recently mowed. He's weird like that.

Here is the sad part, I'm 100% positive that the neighbors have no idea about these lawn wars my husband has been having with them for years. No clue. My husband may need professional help as this may be the start of a serious delusional disorder. No lie, my husband just came to me and asked "did you see that sneaky mid-week mow the neighbor did?" Seriously? You think the neighbor planned a sneaky mid-week mow to mess with you? No honey, only you would do something like that.

Don't get me wrong, our yard looks pretty nice. And he does do a fabulous job with his edge, but I'm pretty sure if he wasn't married to me he would marry his edge. This can't be normal for people to have battles with neighbors who have no clue they are involved in a secret war. I'm taking this opportunity to "out" my husband so at least it will be a fair fight from here on out.

The World Is A Rainbow

So we were watching America's Got Talent the other night and this woman came on and was singing. While she was good, she had a different kind of voice and looked different as well. Isaac quickly said she was lame (I have no idea where he learned that word, wink wink). My heart broke in that instant. I asked him what made her lame and he said her hair was weird and her voice was weird. I felt awful. What have I been teaching my child? One of the most important things I want him to learn from us is acceptance of others. With that comment, I felt like I had failed.

Isaac and I talked about how we need to be kind to other people even if they are different than us. We also talked about how all our differences make the world a better place and make each person unique. Then it hit me, Mrs. Snow taught my son this very lesson through song. I've included a video of Isaac singing this song. The premise is, the world is a rainbow made up of lots of different people. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. You should be you and I'll be me and that's the way we were meant to be. When we work together the world is beautiful. I love how Mrs. Snow keeps it simple. I wish we could all remember this simple lesson. The world is a rainbow made up of many different people, if we could just keep that in mind and remind our children of this, the world just might be a better place. Thanks Mrs. Snow.

Catching Up

Wow, it's been nearly a month since my last blog. I've been so busy enjoying the summer it hasn't even occurred to me to blog. It seems as though May has redeemed itself in my eyes. As you will recall, May has always been my favorite month, but May 2010 was pretty crappy as you all know. May 2011, although it had some major bumps, was for the most part infinitely better than last May. We celebrated Liam's birthday, Isaac finished his first year of public school, and Nick and I had a weekend away to celebrate my birthday. I'd say things are looking up.

After we celebrated Liam's birthday, it almost seemed like a ginormous weight was lifted from our household. Nick recognized he wasn't where he needed to be in his grief recovery and took action. I feel like my husband is coming back to me. I started to feel better emotionally too after Liam's birthday. I don't know why that one year mark was so significant, but now that we survived it I feel free. Don't get me wrong, we have a long way to go, but I can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Our plan is to keep having an awesome summer. We are participating in the summer reading program, we've been swimming, playing outside, and enjoying lots of family bike rides. We learned that time goes by fast and one day very soon Isaac won't want to hang out with us as much. If we spend all this precious time being sad that we lost Liam, we will also regret the time we lost with our living son too.

My New Life

This time last year I was just starting to realize I had a new life. Things would never be the same as they were before May 5, 2010. I would never be the same in so many ways. Life as I knew it was gone. I was dealing with the reality that I was a stroke victim at the age of 32. I would have to get used to the idea of taking blood thinners for the rest of my life and have to constantly have my blood levels checked in order to make sure my blood stayed at the right consistency. I would forever have to be monitored by the kidney guy to make sure my disease doesn't cause more damage to my already damaged kidneys. My reality is, I may very well need a kidney transplant somewhere in my future. Hopefully it's my distant future. I would also have to learn to live life without my second son. I'm a tough girl and have a very high pain tolerance,e but I had no idea how to deal with the kind of pain I was feeling due to the loss of not only my son, but the reality that I will more than likely never have another biological child. With all of that being said, I sit here today in awe of this new life. You see, I would rather have to learn to live my new life than not having life at all which could have been the reality for my family this time last year...

A Whole Year Later

Well, here we are. A whole year later. 365 days have passed since I gave birth to a very special little boy. Not one of those days have gone by without me thinking of my precious Liam. Not a single one. I remember this day a year ago so vividly. Like it was yesterday. I had never been so devastated in my whole life. I still ache for him. I wanted him so badly, but I knew it was not meant to be. Nick and I have experienced something no parent should ever experience. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

I could agonize over the why's and what if's but I'm not. What good would it do? Liam would still be gone. Today, I want to celebrate my little boy and what he did for me. He's my little hero. So please don't be sad for me or my family. Instead help us celebrate him by doing something kind for someone today in honor of my little boy. That would mean so much to us. Especially since my little boy did something so kind for me. And I have another request. If you're the praying kind, please lift my husband up in prayer today. You see, today was the day he not only lost his son, he nearly lost me too. He still has not recovered from that and I don't know that he ever will.

My faith tells me that Liam and I will be together again one day. We will get to spend eternity together. I am so comforted to know that he is in the arms of Jesus and is waiting for his family. I know that we will be Zumwalt party of four one day and that brings me great comfort. Happy Birthday, Liam Miller. We love you immensely.

Have You Thanked A Nurse Today?

This past week was nurses week. Let me tell you what I learned about nurses throughout my journey this last year. You can live or die depending on who your nurse is. Think about it, who is there 24-7? It's not the doctor. Nurses are the people who take care of you minute by minute. I had the great privilege of being taken care of by some amazing nurses this time last year. I wonder if they even realize how much I appreciate what they did for me or how often my family thinks of them. I might also add that I was a critical care patient being taken care of by labor and delivery nurses. They were amazing.

The first day I was admitted I had a nurse named Cheryl. She stayed by my side from the minute I got there until the minute it was time for her to leave and then some. I know she had other patients but at that moment, they didn't matter. I was her focus. She will never know how much that meant to me. She would even stop by and call to check on me in the time I was there. Then had a nurse named Sam for several days. She was AMAZING. There are no words to express how I feel about Sam or how grateful I am for what she did for me and my family. She didn't just take care of me, she took care of my family. She was with me holding my hand the day I delivered my precious Liam. So was Lauren. She also took care of me several days and was actually my nurse the day I delivered Liam. She was also holding my hand throughout the process. I'll never forget how kind she was during our time of grief and how she took care of my little Liam. I took a turn for the worse and when I needed her the most, I had a nurse named Taber. After I delivered I became even more of a critical care patient due to loss of blood and near kidney failure. Taber was there that day when I was as sick as I've ever been in my whole life. She took care of me and my husband that entire day and I am so grateful that she had a hand in keeping me alive. No lie, I had the opportunity to be cared for by some of the most amazing people on the planet.

Finally, I must mention my favorite nurse of all time...my husband. He's a nurse by day taking care of critical care patients in the ER and spends his evenings taking care of me. He never ceases to amaze me in his strength and ability. He keeps us going and without him we'd be lost. He took the vow of "in sickness and health" very seriously and is always by my side. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Thank you to all the nurses out there for the amazing work you do. You have a tough job and rarely get thanked for it. Most of the time the doctor gets credit, but the doctor couldn't do their job if it weren't for nurses. So thank a nurse and hope that you never need their service.

Strokes Are Lame

One year ago today is the day my world came crashing down. Stroke day. When I woke up that morning a year ago I had no idea that such devastation was in my near future. You never think you are going to be a 32 year old stroke patient. When you think of strokes you think of old people. Strokes are lame. Today is lame. This whole experience is lame. You never think you're going to have to bury your child because of your stroke.

I'll admit, I'm having a really hard time. I'm really sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm still so grateful that I've come so far and have no lasting damage from the stroke, but I'm still sad. The worst of the worse started while I was still at work. The left side numbness was really getting bad. So bad that one of my workers asked if he needed to call 911 because I literally had to lift my left arm with my right hand to move it. I was in denial so I told him no and went on with my morning pretending like nothing was wrong. I had an appointment with the doctor that afternoon so I left my lunch on my desk fully intending to go to the doctor and come right back and eat lunch. Sadly, I never made it back. I had the worst "episode" at the doctor and they called 911. My whole left side was non-functioning and I couldn't even get up from the chair to move to the exam table. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance. I had never been more scared in my whole life. I wanted so desperately to wake up from the horrible nightmare I was experiencing. With that being said, as scared as I was, I'd bet money my husband was 10 times more scared. See, he was in the tech room during my MRI and saw my stroke on the monitor before anyone else did. He sees stuff like that all the time but this time the patient was his wife who was pregnant with his child. I can't even begin to imagine how that must have felt for him. I'm not sure he'll ever recover from that.

I know things will get easier with time, but today has been hard. I truly thought I was doing so well emotionally and I've been really surprised at how the one year anniversary of all of this is affecting me. It's caught me off guard. This upcoming week is bound to be an emotional roller coaster leading up to the one year anniversary of Liam's birth/death. I don't like to ask for help very often but I'd really appreciate prayers during this upcoming week. I think I'm going to need all I can get.

Ma Beans

A year ago today is when things really started going down hill for us. I ended up in triage for the afternoon and on the way home from triage my stroke started. Lame right? With that being said, I had another appointment today with the kidney guy and it made me realize how far I've come in a year. When all of this started I was really sick although we didn't really know how sick. I had struggled with my rheumatoid arthritis pretty bad for the last 5-8 years. I would have days where I couldn't walk, lift, or even get up off the toilet because my joints hurt so bad. I'm talking "take your breath away" pain. Not to mention all the damage that was being done to my kidneys without my knowledge since I had Lupus and didn't know it. But I've come a long way. I feel like we are taking control of my Lupus and "ma beans" are starting to recover. My creatinine was 1.14 today which is the lowest it's been since this started. I've been hovering at 1.33 (which is still normal but the kidney guy wanted it lower). The protein in my urine is also down to 3.1 grams which is also the lowest it's been since all of this started. At one point it was as high as 13 grams, not good. And my anti double stranded DNA which shows active Lupus is still at 4 which 4 or less is the goal. My overall kidney function is improving as well which is great news as I intend to use those beans for many years to come.

My appointment today really put things in perspective for me. Although I am by no means healthy, I sure am a lot healthier than I was when this started. My joint pain is nearly non-existent which I hadn't really realized until today. What a miracle that is since I've struggled for so long. Living with pain became a way of life for me so much so that I barely noticed that I haven't had any pain in a year. Crazy.

I know my health journey is never going to end but it does feel good to know I'm moving in the right direction. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am so grateful to Liam as it is because him that I have now been accurately diagnosed and can be on that road to recovery.

Month 12

So May used to be my favorite month of the year. Mostly because it's my birthday month, but also because it marks the beginning of summer. Last May really sucked for us. I mean it REALLY sucked. A lot. Big time. Worst month of my life. I've learned not to say that's the worst thing that has ever happened to me because saying that is usually followed by something worse happening to me. However, we have started month 12 of our grieving process. A whole year. It's hard to believe. I am determined to make this May a good month despite the anniversary of our trauma.

It has already started off pretty good. Isaac and I had a great visit from my Dad and Jenna, my step-mom, and we celebrated Liam. They brought pinwheels for Liam's grave and one for our house so that every time the wind blows from Heaven we will think of Liam. Dad said it was Jenna's idea and I can't tell you how moved I was by their gesture. I was really sad Nick had to work because we were able to spend some good ol' quality time together honoring Liam.

With all of that being said, be prepared for a lot of "this time last year" blogs from me this month. You know I always try to stay positive and find the good in things so I will keep doing that, but be patient with me this month. Buckle your seatbelts as it may be one heck of a roller coaster ride. I used to really like roller coasters, not so much anymore.

Liam and My Grandpa

Liam Miller Zumwalt was named after my grandpa. His name was Jimmy Miller Haff but he liked to be called Mr. Wonderful. It was a self given title, but we all agreed it was true. I've blogged about Mr. Wonderful before. He was an amazing man and such a huge influence on my life which is why I wanted to name one of my children after him. He made me feel like the most important person on the planet and I'm pretty sure I was his favorite. I'm also pretty sure if you asked his five other grandchildren they would say the same.

Mr. Wonderful wrote me letters every week while I was in college. I usually got them on Wednesday. I went through some of his notes today and just seeing his distinct handwriting brings back such wonderful memories. He used to tell us that he had a pet rhinoceros named George. We never got to meet George though because mysteriously he was always in jail or had ran away every time we visited. I miss him terribly. Oh, how I wish he could have known Isaac. I know he would have adored Isaac beyond measure. It makes me sad that Isaac doesn't get to know this wonderful man that had such a huge influence on my life. Mr. Wonderful was pretty ornery and although I only knew Liam from when he was in my belly, he was pretty ornery too. I know that Liam is with his namesake and loves Mr. Wonderful as much as I do. I'm sure they are causing all sorts of trouble together. I also feel a lot of peace knowing that Liam is with my grandpa since he can't be with me.

Today marks the eight year anniversary of my grandpa's death. Before he died, we would ask him if he was afraid to die and of course he was not. See, he knew that when he died he would be walking with Jesus and that's nothing to fear. I love and miss you terribly, Mr. Wonderful. Take good care of my precious little boy for me.

Easter Bliss

Torrential rain hasn't spoiled our Easter Holiday! We started the morning with a lovely church service. It still gives me chills when I think of the sacrifice God made so that we can be free. We are so not worthy, but I'm so blessed. My handsome little boy was so excited to finally get to wear his tie to church for Easter. (We usually dress pretty casual for church so this was a big deal for him.)

Since it was raining ALL day we had to improvise and hide the Easter eggs inside. Who knew that hunting for silly plastic eggs filled with candy was such a big deal.

Here comes the sugar rush! Bring on the chocolate!

I'm pretty sure he ate at least half of his candy in this one sitting.

After a nice long nap on this rainy Easter, it was time to go to Nanny and Poppy's house for another Easter egg hunt. I'm pretty sure we're going to have candy until the 4th of July.

Notice how he lined all his eggs up. He's weird like that. Love him to pieces. Here comes the second sugar rush of the day. He may not sleep tonight.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Easter. I know we did. I thought about Liam a lot today, but none of them were sad thoughts. I kept thinking of him spending Easter with Jesus today. What a lucky little kid. I'm sure that's way better than hunting Easter eggs.

Mr. Storm Ready

It's been a stormy kind of afternoon and evening. I drove home from work in a torrential down pour and at least quarter size hail. Lame right? It stopped hailing as soon as I got home and put my car in the garage. That's not the point of my blog though. Watching all this storm coverage reminded me of the first potential storm of the season. My cute little husband loves a good storm. One of his favorite television shows is Storm Chasers. He loves the Dominator. Anyway, as we were watching coverage of this first potentially tornadic storm, my mister said he needed to get his storm clothes on. I didn't realize there was a severe weather uniform. His storm clothes consisted of shorts, a t-shirt, socks, and heavy duty hiking boot type shoes. The real kicker and what makes me giggle, A LOT, is the fact that in addition to my husband's storm uniform, he packed a backpack just in case. In the backpack were bottles of water, our eye glasses, and all of my medication. Honestly, I laughed a lot at him for this. But tonight as I'm watching the storm coverage, I realized how sweet that was. The reality was that a tornado would most likely not hit our house, but in case it did, he wanted to make sure I had my medication so I could stay well. How smart is that? He said I'd thank him one day, so thank you Mister for always taking care of me. I love you more than words.

Liam or Lily?

Last year, Nick and I could not wait for April 20, 2010. It seemed like it could not get here soon enough. April 20th was the day we were scheduled to go to to the high risk OB and find out if we were having a Liam or a Lily. We were praying for a Liam for many reasons, but most importantly we were hoping for a boy since my autoimmune issues are more common in girls. I've struggled with autoimmune issues since I was six and I would never wish that on my children so we were hoping for a boy to lessen the chance of our child having health issues. Isaac on the other hand was desperate for a baby sister. He just knew he was having a baby sister and was adamant that he didn't want a brother. Probably because he didn't want to share all his trains. Little did we know he wouldn't really get to experience either. You all know how the story ends. I will never forget the anticipation we felt just before the ultra sound tech told us we were having a son. Relief. To say we were thrilled would be a huge understatement. I remember standing in the parking lot after the appointment hugging Nick and feeling such joy. Too bad our joy was short lived...

My Mister

My husband's birthday is this weekend. He will be 32. He and I got together when he was 22. I've spent the last decade with this man and I need to tell you how much I love him. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I know with everything in me that he is the man God made for me. I can not imagine my life without him. Can't. Can. Not.

What blows me away about this man, is that he loves me beyond measure. I'm not sure why either. I like to think that I'm a pretty cool girl, but what did I do to deserve this man? He had full disclosure of my health problems before we got married and he still wanted to marry me and spend his life with me. My Mister spends his days as a nurse, then comes home and is my personal nurse. Talk about caregiver burnout. He never complains though. Ever. I'm so lucky.

My Mister cooks, cleans, does laundry (although not as good as I do it), is the bread winner, takes care of the house and cars, pays all the bills so I don't have to stress about money, and is an amazing father to Isaac. He pampers me, takes care of me, does romantic things for me that I'm often oblivious to like the time he had flowers delivered to the restaurant for our Valentines date. Sadly, I didn't notice, he had to point out that there weren't flowers on any of the other tables. Oops. I'm so not worthy.

Don't get me wrong, there are days he makes me crazy as I'm sure there are days I make him crazy He is notorious for trying to make me laugh when I'm furious at him. Like the time I was so mad at him and he came in the room wearing my capri pants, shirt, and sandals. I didn't know if I should be more mad at him or if I should laugh. I chose to laugh. That was his way of apologizing. He's my teammate and I can't imagine going on this journey of life without him. I'm a lucky girl.

Last year both of our birthday's were pretty lame since as you all know we had a lot going on. We have a fun filled weekend planned this year and my hope is that at least for a couple days, my husband is able to forget about the crappy stuff in our life and have a good time. He's certainly earned it. Happy Birthday, Mister. I love you more than words could ever express.

What A Difference 11 Months Make

Today marks the eleven month anniversary of Liam's birth/death. We've been trying to climb out of the huge hole for almost a year now. I'd say we've made significant progress, but I'm sure there's more progress to be made.

I still think of Liam daily. Sometimes when I think of him my heart aches for him. I long for my baby, for Zumwalt party of four, for our dreams of a sibling for Isaac. Other times when I think of him I feel so blessed that he saved my life. It's bittersweet. Most days I can think of him without crying. We got his birth certificate and death certificate today. I felt relieved. It was documentation of his existence. He was real. He is my son. And there is an official record of him.

I had someone tell me "congratulations on your baby" today. I had to quickly inform her that my baby didn't make it. She of course felt worse I did. I actually like talking about Liam so it was an opportunity for me to tell her how he saved my life and without him I may have worse kidney damage. Liam is my hero.

I've made significant progress physically as well. The protein my kidney's are spilling is down from and all time high of 13 grams to 2 grams as of last week. My anti-DNA which is the test for active lupus is down to 2, which is great since the goal is less than four. My kidney function is back to normal range. My steroids have been reduced to 10 mg from 60 in the beginning so again, I'd say that's progress.

Finally, I think our biggest accomplishment in the last 11 months has been keeping most of the peace lillies alive that we received for Liam's funeral. There were some that had questionable fates, but we were able to pull them through. What a relief.

I'm sure we will have a lot of emotional moments in the next month. This time last year our nightmare was just starting. I didn't see it then, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've almost reached the top of the hill. It was hard work, but necessary. We couldn't have made it this far without our faith, family, friends, and prayer.

I Was Born This Way

So I thought I'd blog about my Lady Gaga experience. I've been to a lot of concerts in my life and this was one of the most fascinating concerts I've ever experienced. Here are a few of my observations:

• I didn't realize spanx could be used as outerwear.


• Lady Gaga has to be one of the most fit people ever since she sang live and danced for TWO hours straight.


• I could have saved a lot of time trying to figure out what to wear if I'd just worn my bra and underwear like half the people there.


• Drag queens smell good.


• Those crazy Kansas/Phelps church people have nothing better to do than to drag their kids out in the cold to spread hate. I'm pretty sure God doesn't "hate" anyone despite what they say. They even called me an abomination. Rude.


• Lady Gaga has a very diverse fan group. It ranges from freaks all the way to completely normal people like me. There were all kinds of people there.


• I was one of the most conservatively dressed people there. I really had nothing Gaga worthy in my closet.


• I need to shop for some sparkly clothes for next time.


• The loud noise didn't unclog my ear.


• I am way to old to be out at concerts that last until midnight.

I'm can be fairly conservative at times, but I am a fan of Lady Gaga. I find her very interesting and think she is really talented. I get that she is controversial and very provocative, but I think the true "haters" haven't taken the time to learn about her. She has a very strong anti-hate message and continuously stresses the importance of being yourself and ignoring the haters, hence "Born This Way". She tells her fans to believe in themselves and to be true to who they are and in doing that they can achieve anything they want to achieve. I'd say that's a fairly important message and lesson most young people struggle with. So, props to Lady Gaga. Well done. I'd pay to see you again...if the concert starts at six and is on a weekend.