It's Almost Been Two Years

It's almost been two years since our lives were forever changed by our sweet Liam. It still feels like it was just yesterday, but I also feel like we've come so far. It's been 21 months. Twenty-one months since I held Liam in my arms and felt him against my skin. I still think of Liam every day. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes I'm consumed with sadness that Liam is not here with us. Sometimes I feel so blessed for the gift he gave me. Other times I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about the loss of my child. It's still a roller coaster of emotions.

While I think about Liam daily, I'm not able to look at his pictures very often. I don't need to. I have him memorized. I remember his little folded ear. His tiny hands. His lips that looked just like Isaac's. His smell. Everything. I am so grateful that we have such beautiful pictures, but sometimes seeing them makes me so unbelievably sad that he's not here with us. I miss him so much it hurts. I selfishly want him here with me. I know I will see him again one day, but sometimes that doesn't even bring comfort because I want him now.

Nick and I have been talking about another baby recently. Sometimes I get so hopeful about baby number 3. But, sometimes I get mad at that thought. I don't want a 3rd baby. I want my second baby. I want Liam. And talking about baby number 3 almost feels like I'm trying to replace Liam although in my head I know that's not true. We are scared. Scared to forget about Liam. Scared to risk getting hurt again. Scared for my health.

We don't know what God has in store for Team Zumwalt. All we can do is pray and hope we are willing to hear the answers. And we will continue to be grateful for our tiny gift who had a pretty big purpose.