Merry Christmas

 Christmas has come and gone once again. We hope you had a very Merry Christmas and were able to spend some quality time with the people you love. We had a wonderful and blessed Christmas this year.

 We have some family traditions that we do every year and this year was no different. We went to the parade in downtown Tulsa with my sister and her kids as well as Nick's parents, siblings, and grandma. We also made our famous Christmas cookies. This year it seemed more of a solo project on my part as Isaac and Nick didn't help very much with the cookies. They haven't been helping eat them either. Yikes.

 Thanks to our good friends the Mallory's, we ventured downtown to participate in Winterfest where Isaac and Nick tested out their ice skating skills. Isaac wasn't too impressed with the whole ice skating thing, but we had fun with our friends and everyone burned their tongues on the thermonuclear hot chocolate. Do we know how to make memories or what?

 We spent Christmas Eve at my mom's house. During the day we had a fun snack adventure when we tried several different recipes that we found on Pinterest. Nick and I took all the kids to church for Christmas Eve service while my mom and sister made a yummy dinner. It was a fun day with lots of family.

Christmas morning was spent with just the three of us at home opening presents.( Excuse my mess of laundry in the background.) Santa did not disappoint as he brought Isaac the Nintendo 3DS he requested.   

Later in the day we went to Nick's parent's house for gifts and yummy Italian food. Isaac got the Santa suit he requested thanks to his Aunt Apo and Uncle Anky. I'm pretty sure that was his favorite gift.

This is how we all felt at the end of the day. We had several days of lots of good food, gifts, and tons of much needed family time. Now I'm ready for my much needed time off to recover from it all.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Zumwalt's!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

A Whole Decade Of Team Zumwalt

Ten years ago yesterday Nick and I took that giant leap into marriage and never looked back. I look at pictures of that day and I feel like it was just yesterday. We were so young. So eager to start our lives together. We had no idea what life had in store for us, but we were ready to find out.

Ten years later I can say that I am very proud of my marriage. Though it hasn't been easy, and life has thrown us some curve balls, I can't imagine going through this life with anyone else. We vowed to love one another in good times and in bad, sickness and in health. We've certainly had our share of all of those. Through it all we always rally together and come out closer and stronger than ever.

I love my husband for so many reasons I can't even begin to list them all. I love how he always tries to make me laugh when I'm mad at him, like the time I was furious and he came in the room dressed in my capri pants. I love how he got up with Isaac every night when he was a baby so that I could sleep. I love how he gets me ice water at night and puts gas in my car. I love how he tries to spoil me with nice gifts, and doesn't get mad me when I take them back to the store because I'm more practical than he is. I love how I get alarmed when he calls me by my real name because I'm so used to him calling me Missus. I love how he works hard for our family. I love how he secretly pays attention to my cheesy reality TV shows and actually knows the characters and the story line. I love how he loves me unconditionally. No matter how many strokes I have or how high my steroid dose gets, I know he will still love me.  I am so proud that he is my husband, my partner, my teammate.

I can't wait to see what the next ten years has in store for us. Happy Anniversary, Meester. I love you and our life together more than you will ever know.

Tis The Season

Yes, it is the season where it seems like the spending will never end. I'm sure it stresses everyone out regardless of your income. We live a very blessed life so I try very hard to make this a season about giving and not receiving. Don't get me wrong, we aren't rich by any means, but we have everything we could possibly need and then some so we need to share that, especially this time of year.

Isaac has wonderful grandparents on both sides that indulge him plenty this time of year so he won't be lacking in the gifts department. But others will. Other kids that may even go to Isaac's school or live in our neighborhood. The past few years, Isaac is of an age where he needs to know that not all little kids get to sit down with the Toys-R-Us book and circle what they want and actually get it all. It is my mission as his mother to teach him to have a giving heart. Last year we had him pick out toys to donate to Toys For Tots. I remember him telling the cashier that we were buying toys for the "unfortunate" children. I think he heard me say "less fortunate", but the cashier understood and so did Isaac. He loves to put money in the Salvation Army kettle. He knows it helps people who don't have a lot of money. Isaac and I were cleaning out his room (in preparation for the ridiculous amounts of presents he will get at Christmas) and we found toys from his birthday that were still in the package. Isaac and I talked about what we should do with the toys and he willingly agreed we should give them to Toys For Tots again. Proud Momma Moment.

This year, Isaac's class adopted a family off an Angel Tree. After I volunteered to fulfill the wish list of the oldest child in the family I admit, I immediately got stressed out about the extra expense because as I said earlier, it seems like the spending is never ending this time of year. I started getting resentful of the other mom's in Isaac's class that weren't volunteering to donate anything to this family. It took a lot of self talk to realize that I shouldn't judge those other mom's. I don't know their life. Maybe some of them are actually Angel Tree families as well. What a joy it was to fulfill a wish list for an eleven year old One Direction fan. And the total cost ended up being about the same amount of money we might waste eating out on a Friday night. What a good lesson for Isaac, to know that the things we bought may be the only Christmas gifts this girl gets this year and all we had to do was eat at home on a Friday night. I hope that sinks in with Isaac and he is grateful for the life he has.

Tis the season, folks. I challenge each of you to do something nice for someone else, particularly someone less fortunate that you. I realize budgets are tight especially this time of year. Mine is too. You don't have to spend money to fulfill this challenge. Donate your time and energy. That can be just as valuable as monetary donations. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

Uncle

I'd bet money that every one of us has asked the question "why do bad things happen to good people?" Today, I've been asking why bad things keep happening to a good person. In the last year and a half I've watched as one of my dear friends has lost three members of her immediate family, all very suddenly. Why? Uncle! How much more can this poor girl take? I have no idea what to even say to her. I didn't sleep last night because I was so worried about her. My heart is heavy that she is experiencing loss once again. She is a good person, it's not fair. Not that it would be fair if it happened to a bad person.

The truth is, I don't want bad things to happen to anyone, whether they are good or bad. But this is a person who has chosen a thankless career so she can help people and make a difference. She would give the shirt off her back to someone who needed it. She was there for me when I was grieving. When is it her turn for a break? If anyone deserves one it's her.

I know my questions as to why this keeps happening won't be answered. All I can do is pray for my sweet friend. Pray that she is provided comfort in this difficult time. Pray that she is ok. Pray that she's still able to find the good things in life. Pray that she is able keep putting one foot in front of the other despite the tragedy that keeps happening to her family.

My Version

I've been pretty public throughout our entire journey over the last two and a half years. I know I have the right to be private about my life, and some people think I should be more private. With that being said, Nick and I have been "planning" something for the last few months that we've been keeping to ourselves. We had planned to keep our plans to ourselves until there was something to report, but somewhere inside me it felt dishonest. I've been so open and it has truly helped get me out of the hole. The love, support, and prayers were my lifeline. Who knows where I'd be had I not been so open and received such love and support. That same love, support, and prayers are exactly what we need right now as we continue this journey and we wouldn't get that if we stayed quiet. How could I not be open about this next part?

We kept quiet while we were planning this for obvious reasons. We needed multiple green lights from my plethora of doctors to move forward. The hardest green light I had to earn was Nick's. If you remember, the last time it was pretty scary for him. He almost lost Liam and me. He's not a gambler when it comes to my health and well being. We've often joked about how we wish he could be pregnant and have another baby for us, but the more I thought about it I decided he couldn't handle pregnancy. I'm way more tough when it comes to that kind of stuff. I went to work even though I was having a stroke, and he goes to the doctor for a hang nail determined it's fatal. Anyway, after much consideration and prayer, we decided to give ourselves the green light to try for another baby if we could get the medical professionals on board. You may have seen my facebook posts about changes in medication, this is why. We got our final green light yesterday from the woman who was there in our darkest hour. The woman who cried with us, held our hands, and saved my life. Dr. Lofgren gave me the green light, told me she wouldn't get a protective order against me, developed a plan, and finally pulled our goalie.

So here we go. We are going to attempt to become Zumwalt, party of five. I know we've made the right decision. I know this because when I got home from Dr. Lofgren's office yesterday, Liam's pinwheel was blowing and spinning like crazy even though there was very little wind. I know that was Liam telling me everything would be OK. If you're the praying type, we ask that you pray for our family, my health, and that this all works out. Stay tuned.

Mister Speaks

If you stay on this planet long enough, you’ll find you end up back where you started. No matter your path, direction, gender, nationality, it remains that noon will always come around again, and you’re guaranteed one sunrise and sunset.

I’ve taken that journey myself, although it seems I’ve had the longest night I can remember. If you’ve been reading this blog of my wife’s, you know what has happened, so I’ll spare you the details. If you don’t, then know that two and one-half years ago, our second son was born to us much too early, Laura having suffered a stroke in addition to other undiagnosed medical issues.

You don’t ever get over it, but you do get better with it—some days are a struggle for me to put one foot in front of the other, and other days are, well, as normal as you can be for burying your son. The point is, it’s been a long night of fitful sleep, the occasional nightmares, and longing for the dawn.

Surely, there’s some great lesson in all of this, or so people tell me. Sometimes I let that advice pass; sometimes I want to shake the person that tells me this. Reality is harsh on raw nerves and ravaged souls. My great lesson was this: take what you have and be thankful, thankful that my wife lived, thankful that my oldest son is such a gift, thankful for the friends and family who offered their love and support. But mostly, BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU GOT AND DON’T ASK FOR MORE. We dodged a bullet that rightly should have devastated my family. Laura escaped a stroke with no neurological deficits and came out with a diagnosis her doctors could treat.

No sane person looks down the barrel of a gun, dodges the first bullet, and asks for another trigger pull. We lock these people away. But what if the lesson is different? What if, as the long awaited dawn approaches, there is another purpose? Daylight can certainly bring clarity to a dreadful situation, for at the break of dawn comes hope. My favorite author, J.R.R. Tolkien rescues the hopeless at dawn. My faith’s oldest celebration, the Resurrection, is celebrated at dawn.

I am seeing the approaching dawn, and life is not hopeless. As a medical professional, I’m accustomed to risk, benefits, probabilities, prognoses, and the like. Medicine and nursing have taught me we know what we know, and that I don’t like to gamble. Gambling gets people killed.

Simply stated, my personal lesson is this: the test of my faith was not in whether or not my family and I would survive the awful loss of Liam with God’s help, but rather do I have faith that God will see us through to another child? Should I be content with what I have and not tempt destiny, or place my self and family solely in the hands of God? This is surrender.

We are no more in control of the giving and taking of life than anyone else on this earth, so let me get that out of the way. However, with the close monitoring of our doctors, adjustment of medications, the continuing remission of Lupus, and of course our faith, we have started our journey to attempt to bring another Zumwalt into this world, another sibling for Isaac and Liam, hopefully bringing our new count to Zumwalt, party of five. You see, it’s been a long night for us, but at dawn, we’re back where we started.

How'd You Do That?

People frequently ask me how we’ve gotten through the last two years. The reality is we didn’t really have a choice. We have Isaac. He was almost four. He deserved a mom and a dad. We didn’t have the luxury to completely fall apart although we came pretty close. He was also the best medicine. I can’t even remember how many times I said to Nick, “We have to pick ourselves up and keep going for Isaac and Liam.” I can’t lie, we still struggled. A lot. Still do. Sometimes it has been downright ugly and I’m not afraid to admit that. We aren’t perfect. Nobody is and everybody grieves differently. When all of this first started, we couldn’t look at the big picture. We had to take things one day at a time. Getting out of bed each day was a victory. Especially in my case since I was so sick and getting out of bed was a physical and emotional victory. Then we celebrated other small victories, we made it through the day without crying, or we saw a baby and didn’t completely fall to pieces. We kept putting one foot in front of the other. We would stumble along the way. A lot. But we always celebrated the fact that we got back up.

We also had our faith. When we were in the midst of everything we decided it was just too big for us. We had to trust in God that he would carry us through this journey. I remember quoting one of my favorite bible verses, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It’s true.We came out of a hole that was unimaginable. We also had our amazing family and friends that loved us and carried us through when we couldn’t carry ourselves.  Although many times we felt like we were alone and people didn’t care, that was not the truth. We couldn’t see it then, but the people we thought didn’t care, were struggling through their own grief journey because they loved us and were just as devastated by the situation as we were. When this tragedy affected our family, we were overwhelmed beyond belief and the outpouring of love and support that was expressed. People who loved us went above and beyond to help us whether it was by sending food, half of Target, praying, and on and on. People who barely knew us also showed there support. Perfect strangers donated money for a dining card and sent food and flowers to our house. Finally, we got through it together. It's no secret that many marriages that experience the loss of a child fail. Nick and I made a decision in the beginning that we were going to get through it together. We can accomplish anything as Team Zumwalt. Out of unbelievable pain came a strengthened relationship.

Bottom line, there is no right or wrong answer as to how we "got through" this terrible thing that happened to us. Truth is, it's an ongoing process and probably will be until we are reunited with Liam. Of course it gets easier and we appear to get stronger with time, but know that we still have broken hearts. Nothing will change that. We just had to learn to live in our new normal. October begins Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Please take a moment to pray for all the families just like mine that have experienced infant loss or miscarriage. It's a constant journey we are all still on.

LMZ

I still think of Liam every day, but lately I’ve been thinking about him a lot more. May 12, 2010 is his birthday, but September 7, 2010 was his due date. Since then, there hasn’t been a September 7th that has gone by that wasn’t completely emotional for Nick and I. This September, we should have a two year old running around our house. We should have Liam. He should be terrorizing Isaac by messing with all his toys, he should be terrorizing Nick and I with his terrible two behavior, and he should be terrorizing the dog by trying to ride him like a horse. That is what I thought our life would be like. That is what I’d hoped our life would be like. With that being said, our life is exactly how God intended it to be.

Our reality is that Liam is in Heaven. There is no better place for him to be, but I so desperately want him in my arms. I’m not mad that Liam is not here, and I never have been. Liam had a big purpose, he saved my life. I so desperately want to know him. I want to know this amazing human being that saved my life, but I must wait. Waiting is hard. Waiting is what we must do.

My intent for this blog is not to make you feel sorry for us. I’ve never wanted anyone’s pity. When I think of Liam it makes me happy. I want you to be happy when you think of Liam too. So many good things have come from our terrible tragedy. Nick and I are closer than ever, we appreciate Isaac even more, we have found a church home, and now that I have an accurate diagnosis I am healthier than I’ve been in a long time. It’s been two years since our ordeal and we still think of Liam daily. I like to remind everyone else about my son and the amazing thing he did for me. While our life is not how I’d hoped it would be, it’s still a wonderful life full of many amazing blessings and we are so grateful. Who knows what the future holds for Team Zumwalt. What I do know is whatever life throws at us, we'll get through it together. Just like we always do.

My 100th Post

This is my 100th post! Who would have thought? I first started this journey because I loved Isaac so much and he was growing up so fast, I wanted to document it all. I didn't want to forget all the highlights. I failed that time. Miserably. I still loved Isaac and had good intentions, it just didn't happen. I posted one time and lost my motivation.

I found that motivation more than a year later when I needed an outlet for my tremendous grief. I had a stroke, my son Liam died, and my world was crashing in around me. I was devastated. I was putting one foot in front of the other, but I was in a hole. Actually, it was more like a crater. I decided to blog again to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head so I could sleep at night. I had so many emotions after our tragedy that I didn't know what to do with it all. I didn't know how to get out of the hole crater. Little did I know that it would become such amazing therapy for me. Expressing my grief and all the feedback I received as a result helped get me through an extremely difficult time in my life. I like to go back and read my blogs and see how far I've come in my journey. I'm a different Laura than I was when I started the blog. I can see the transformation in my posts. Thank you to everyone who loved and supported me through this journey. I know I wasn't always easy to love. I am forever grateful to everyone who read my blog, provided feedback, and supported me throught it all.

Back To School

Well, I Isaac survived my his first day of first grade. Naturally, he had a fabulous day and was so excited to be back in the school routine. He loves school and learning so he was super pumped to get back in the school mode. I, on the other hand, was "that mom" all day. It was embarrassing.

 It really started last night when I couldn't sleep because I couldn't believe that Isaac is six and in the first grade. It just doesn't seem reasonable or possible. Then, after our morning routine it was time for the intense photo shoot that almost lasted until the bell rang to begin the school day. I was the crazy paparazzi mom that was taking pictures at home, outside the school, in the hall, and in the classroom.  I noticed that I was the last mom to leave. I promised the teacher that I wouldn't do that every day. She didn't seem too confident about that. I sure hope Isaac doesn't get made fun of for his crazy mom. I told him that I would walk him in on his first day every year until he went to college. For now, he's OK with that plan. Since I noticed I was the only mom left, I realized it was time to say good-bye and be on my way.

As soon as I left the classroom, the tears hit. Yep, I am that lady. You know, the crazy one. There's one in every school. At Wolfcreek, it's me. Nick and I decided to stop for breakfast before work so I could pull myself together. I cried the whole way to breakfast. From south Broken Arrow all the way to Utica Square. Sheesh. I think I get that trait from my Grandma. I'm 35 years old and she still cries when we say good-bye. I remember the last day of kindergarten and snotting all over Isaac's teacher as I was telling her good-bye.

I couldn't wait until the end of the day so I could hear all about Isaac's first day. Since he's a boy, I got very few details. I think he does it on purpose to make me even more crazy. I've made him tell several people about his day so perhaps I could get more details every time he told the story. It worked. I eventually learned that he had an assembly, went to Music, read, had snack, and unpacked all their supplies. Sounds like a pretty successful first day if I do say so myself. And bonus, I didn't stress about him starving to death like I did last year on his first day so maybe I'm growing up just a little bit too.

What The Heck Have I Been Doing?

I'll tell you what I've been doing, I've been having an amazing summer! I noticed that I haven't blogged since May 14th because I've been too busy enjoying the summer with my family. Despite the ridiculous heat, we managed to throw some fun in our summer.

We started off the summer by having Isaac's 6th, yes 6th, birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. On a Saturday no less. Am I crazy or what? Isaac had a great time and I survived so I'd call that a success. He said he wants to have his party at Chuck-E-Cheese again next year. At least I have a whole year to prepare myself. (Or at least try to change his mind). I still can't believe Isaac is 6. It still seems like just yesterday that I got to spend the summer at home with him on maternity leave. Time goes by too fast so I'm just trying to enjoy these precious moments when they happen.

Next, we got to spend the 4th of July in Washington, DC. What an amazing trip we had. We felt so patriotic to be in Washington on Independence Day. The fireworks were amazing. We were there five and a half days and probably only saw a quarter of the sights. There is so much to do and see that we will definitely have to go back several times to see it all. Isaac got to experience so many new adventures which made the trip that much more exciting for all of us. Everyone asked me what my favorite part of the trip was and I can honestly say my favorite part was being out of town with just my two boys. We were checked out from our life at home and got to spend tons of priceless time together. That was my favorite part.

We also had a weekend getaway to Eureka Springs this past weekend with my dad's side of the family. It was super fun to spend quality time with family in one of my favorite places. Isaac had a great time playing with his cousins and the Sea Witch, aka my Aunt Ellen.

The rest of the summer was filled with lots of time at the pool. Isaac started the summer wearing a life jacket. He's ending the summer swimming the length of the pool without a life jacket, treading water, floating on his back, and doing cannon balls. The recent summer Olympics also inspired him to do the backstroke, Michael Phelps should be worried.

Today was the last day of summer camp and Isaac will start school in a little over a week. I can't believe how fast the summer went by. I can't believe my son will be in first grade. In no time, it will be time for me to blog about how it's summer time again and Isaac has finished first grade. Time, please slow down!!! We had an amazing summer and I look forward to an equally amazing school year.

Only Thing Missing Was The Birthday Boy

Saturday evening we gathered to celebrate and honor Liam on his second birthday. It was a great little birthday party,  "the only thing missing was the birthday boy" as my nephew so sweetly put it. Most of the ingredients for a successful birthday party were there; balloons, cupcakes, family, friends, pinwheels. I can't help but think that Liam was there too. He may not have been there physically, but he was with us. He's always with us.

Honestly, Nick and I don't go to the cemetery very often. I'm not really sure why. Liam is buried in the Garden of Angels, which is a special location of the cemetery that is designated for children. Every time we go, there are numerous new rows of children that have been buried since our last visit. It's heartbreaking to see all the families that have joined this club. Maybe that's what keeps us away. However, I do like gathering there to celebrate his life and honor him. I like seeing his name. I like replacing the flowers. I like talking to him there. I like sharing him there with the other people that come to support us and honor Liam.

Nick and I found the irony of the party to be quite significant. We gathered at the cemetery to have cupcakes, release balloons into the sky, and sing Happy Birthday. We ended up doing all those things, then we witnessed the sweetest moments. The kids were playing and having a great time and they had no clue that beneath them were the bodies of children who could no longer run and play. Some of the departed children never had the opportunity to run and play. The kids at Liam's party had no idea that the place where we had gathered represented sorrow and loss. They simply enjoyed being with each other and found a way to have fun regardless of their location. This brought such peace to Nick and I. It was also a good lesson. Liam wouldn't want us to sit around and be sad at his party. He's in Heaven having an amazing time. He'd want us to do the same on his birthday. And so we did. Especially the kids.

Two Years

We've been on this journey now for two years today. This journey has been one of the most difficult challenges of our lives. It's still a daily challenge. It's been two years since we held our precious Liam in our arms and said good-bye. Undoubtedly, that was the most devastating good-bye we've ever experienced. On May 12, 2010 our hearts were broken. Although we've spent the last two years healing, there will always be a part of our hearts that is missing. We will never completely heal. Not because we don't want to, but because it's impossible to ever completely heal from the loss of your child, our flesh and blood. Liam is a symbol of the love Nick and I share. While he's gone from our lives in a physical sense, he will forever be a part of our hearts and our family.

I miss Liam. I miss him more than I can ever describe. I miss him so much it hurts. I long for him. The longing never subsides. I often wonder what he would have been like. Would he sleep through the night as early as Isaac did? Would he be as smart as Isaac? Would he be our trouble maker? Here is what I do know about Liam. He was feisty. He constantly moved in my belly. Constantly. I remember scolding him while he was in my belly telling him to calm down. I also know that during the 144 perfect minutes we did have with Liam, his heart heart tones improved when we held him and talked to him. He knew his family was there and it brought him comfort as he was dying. I know that Liam is a hero. He's a hero because he saved my life. If it weren't for him and that first OB appointment, who knows how long it would have been before we realized how poor my health truly was. This makes him the best little brother that Isaac could have ever had. I know that Liam was perfect in every way, because he was ours. I know that if he could talk to us today, he'd tell us to not be sad.

This weekend is my third Mother's Day being Liam's mom, but it's only my second that he's not with me physically. Our first Mother's Day together was spent in the hospital praying that Liam would live. Praying that I would be able to maintain the pregnancy and he would come home. Little did I know, that a few days later, Jesus would come for him and he would truly be home. This past week I finally read the book, "Heaven is for Real".  What a poinient week for me to read this book. If you haven't read it, it's about a nearly four year old son of a pastor who became gravely ill. After he recovered he revealed to his parents that he had been to Heaven and was greeted by Jesus. This little boy told stories he could have only known if he did in fact visit Heaven. He reported meeting his sister who he had no knowledge of prior to his illness. He also reported meeting his great grandfather who again, he had no knowledge of prior to his illness. When I read his story, I can't help but think that Liam's experience must have been very similar. I've always known that Liam and I would be together again one day as that's God's promise to me. After reading this book I can say with certainty that Liam is waiting for us and when we meet again it will be as if no time has passed at all.

So as we mark this second anniversary of Liam, it brings me great comfort to know that I will see him again. He's safe. He's waiting for us. And once we are together, we will never have to be apart for all eternity. Happy Birthday, Liam. We love you more than words can say and we miss you every single day.

Our Children

Our children. Those are words that we rarely utter. Mostly because we don't want to make people uncomfortable when they only see one child and ask about the missing one. I can't help but feel a little guilty every time I'm asked how many children I have and I lie for the sake of the other person.

If you follow my blog, you know this has been an ongoing internal struggle for me. The truth is, I have two children. I conceived and birthed two beautiful babies. Why is it so taboo for me to tell people that I have two children? One lives with me and one lives in Heaven and is waiting for me.

Why am I so afraid to tell the truth even if it makes the other person uncomfortable? Lying is making me uncomfortable. When I lie, I deny my son. I deny that he is a part of our family. I deny that I am his mother. Liam is real. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Liam. Not one single day. He lived inside of me for 24 weeks. He lived in our arms for the most glorious 144 minutes of our lives. We were Zumwalt, party of four. Nick and I have two beautiful children. Why is it so taboo for me to say that?

I'm Her Nurse/Doctor/Husband

I married well. I am brilliant for my choice in spouse. How smart was I to marry a nurse? Especially with all of my unique issues. I'm sure my husband would like a break from being a nurse during the day then again at home, but I can't help but be super pleased with my spousal selection.

Yesterday I got to experience Nick's bedside manner once again. I broke my ankle almost 6 years ago. My health issues have kept that ankle from ever really healing properly. It has been hurting really bad the past week and was hurting exceptionally bad yesterday. I have a really high pain tolerance, but yesterday it became unbearable. I managed to get ready for work and was actually getting ready to leave. I was telling Nick and Isaac bye and needed to sit down and get the stamina to get to the car. Once I sat down I got really sick to my stomach. Then I felt like I was going to pass out. That's the last thing I remember...

I thought I was waking up from a deep sleep so I was kind of shocked to see Nick standing over me with his fingers on my neck and the phone to his head. I heard him say she's awake now. He asked me if I knew where I was. The look on his face said "she better get this right" so I promptly and loudly answered "I'M AT HOME!" Then he asked me what day it was and again I knew how important it was to get it right so I boldly said "IT"S MAY 1st!" Nick still looked a little panicked so I just kept asking him what happened. He seemed mad when he told me I quit breathing and passed out. Not sure why that would upset him so much? Nick is prepared for any emergency so he had already started my IV by the time the paramedics arrived. They asked if he was my nurse and he was so flustered he said "No, I'm her doctor, no wait I'm her husband." After a few minutes I was scared but knew I was ok. Nick wasn't buying it and insisted I take a ride to the hospital with my new friends, the paramedics. I guess he still has a little PTSD from when I had a stroke, then nearly hemorrhaged to death after I had Liam. I wonder if all his patients stress him out as much as I do? Probably not.

Turns out I was right and I'm just fine. I just had a vagal response from the pain and getting sick from it. My resting heart rate is in the fifties to low sixties so it's not like I have far to go before I pass out anyway, right? There have been many times in life where I've felt like I was going to pass out but this is only the second time I've actually done it. And poor Nick has been by my side both times. I'm pretty sure I've taken at least 20 years off his life with all my shenanigans. I feel really bad for freaking my husband out like that but I'm so grateful that he is always my nurse/doctor/husband and always makes sure I bounce back from whatever ales me. I think it's his turn to have someone take care of him for a while. Thank you for always being my favorite nurse!

Keep Marching On

I am still trying to reflect on the events of this past weekend. We marched for Liam. We marched for Team Zumwalt. We marched for all babies and families affected by prematurity. Our story began in May two years ago. Our family was changed forever. We have experienced unimaginable grief. In that grief we have also experienced the most amazing love. Love we have for Liam. Love we have for each other. Love from Jesus. And love from so many people who have rallied around Team Zumwalt for the last two years.

I was reluctant to start a team for the March for Babies walk. It's been almost two years since Liam died and I didn't think anyone would join. I thought people had moved on. I thought they had forgotten about my son. I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to let Liam down. What a fool I was. I set my initial financial goal at $200. Within 24 hours, I had exceeded that goal. Because of the generosity of people who love us and love Liam, I increased my financial goal numerous times. I don't have a grand total, but according to the website, my team raised $1,092 and that does not include the money I turned in the day of the march from t-shirt money (thanks to my anonymous donor!!!!) and donations made in person. Unbelievable. People haven't forgotten. I didn't fail. I didn't let Liam down.

We had a total of 36 people on our team Saturday. Thirty-six. I am still blown away by it all. Plus, there were countless others who wanted to be a part of the team but couldn't because of distance, previous commitments, ect. Words can not describe how amazing it felt to see everyone show up in their t-shirts with Liam's name and footprints on them. I was at the back of the team during the walk and to see the "sea" of t-shirts sporting Team Zumwalt was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Two years ago when Liam died, we were showered with love, support, dinner delivery, casseroles, toilet paper, the entire inventory at Target and Sams, and so many other things. How silly I am to think that just because two years have past that our friends and family would act any different. How silly I was to think nobody would sign up. Nick and I have surrounded ourselves with some amazing people and shame on me for thinking that nobody would show up when we've never been let down by them before. Thank you to everyone that was there and walked with us. Thank you to everyone who wanted to be there but couldn't. Thank you to everyone who donated money in honor of Liam. Thank you to my anonymous donor. Thank you to everyone who loves my family and continues to support us. Thank you for remembering Liam. Know that I am eternally grateful to have you in my life.

Anonymous Generosity

Forgive me if I sound like a blubbery mess in this post as I am still overwhelmed by the generosity I experienced today. The t-shirts for the The March for Babies Walk were ready to be picked up today. I can't even describe the emotion I felt when I saw Liam's name and footprints on so many t-shirts. I tried to keep it together as I saw the stack of t-shirts that people wanted because of my son and the impact he had on our lives. Again, I'm struggling to come up with the right words to describe my emotion. I kept telling myself not to burst into tears in front of this nice lady I just met. I don't get to see Liam grow up, I don't get to see him laugh, I don't get to see him cry, I don't get to see him roll his eyes at me, but I got to see the impact he's had on this world in that stack of t-shirts. Ah-mazing!

So, I managed to keep it together in front of this very nice lady who really did an outstanding job on these t-shirts. (Her name is Molly at Challenger Sports in BA if you ever have a need for t-shirt printing) Anyway, I asked her what my total was and she said it had been taken care of. What? Excuse me? There must be some mistake. She informed me that an anonymous donor had paid for all the shirts. All. Of. Them. Thirty shirts, paid for by someone who must really really love us. I was speechless. I still am really. To know that I have people in my life that love my family in such a generous way leaves me feeling truly blessed. My tiny son has inspired such generosity and it makes me feel an overwhelming sense of pride and love. Thank you does not seem to sufice to our anonymous donor. I know you want to remain anonymous, but know that I know who you are. I hope that I show you the same friendship that you have shown me. I love you more than words and can't tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life.

Because of the genorosity of this anonymous donor, all of the money I will be collecting for the t-shirts will be donated to the March of Dimes in the hope that other families who experience premature birth and infant loss will experience the love and support that was shown to my family in honor of our son, Liam.

My Boo Has Glasses

So my Boo now wears glasses. I don't know why but this makes me very sad. I'm embarrassed to admit that when the form was sent home stating he failed his vision screening, my heart sank. He's only five. He's so cute. He's my perfect little boy. I know glasses won't change any of those things but it still made me sad. Isaac has such amazing blue eyes and perfect little freckles and it makes me sad they will be covered up by glasses. I know I'm being ridiculous. I know lots of kids his age that wear glasses and they aren't any less cute because of it. Not. One. Bit. So why am I being so ridiculous? Perhaps because I know from personal experience that glasses can be inconvenient. Especially as a child. I don't want things to be hard for him. I want to protect him from stupid kids who will undoubtedly make fun of him because he wears glasses. Kids are mean. Isaac is sensitive. I don't want anything to crush his sweet little spirit.

He's was so excited to wear glasses. He was so excited, he even lied during the eye exam. He claimed he couldn't even see the big E. Whatever, Kid. I know you better than you think and I know when you are lying. Once I explained that I was not going to buy him glasses because we couldn't figure out what his accurate prescription would be, his vision had a miraculous improvement. Although it wasn't enough to not need glasses. Bummer.

I think he's just as cute with his glasses, but for some reason I can't stop feeling bummed that this is his new reality. He got his dad's bad eyes. Oh well, at least he's healthy and happy and so far doesn't seem to have any of my weird genes. I know from experience that there are a lot worse things in life than glasses so I'll stop being whiney and be grateful that my poor son can finally see again.

Easter

We had a wonderful Easter. We started the day by putting on our Easter best and heading out to an amazing church service. Nick and I feel so blessed that we have found a church home where we feel comfortable. We've been attending for over a year now and I can't help but feel Liam all around me every time I'm there. I can't explain it, but it's like he's telling me he's okay and is patiently waiting for his family to join him. What an amazing gift God has given me, to know that I will be with my son one day. I can't imagine the amazing Easter celebration Liam must have had this weekend in the arms of Jesus.

Although our celebration can't even compare to the one Liam experienced, we still had a pretty good time. Isaac once again got enough candy to last until next Easter. Talk about sugar overload. He scored big time.

Isaac looked so handsome. I can't believe how fast he is growing up. I remember his first Easter like it was yesterday. I put Cheerios in eggs and made him crawl around for them. Wasn't that just yesterday?

Let the sugar rush begin. This was just the beginning too. He had another Easter egg hunt at his Nanny and Poppy's house after lunch.

We hope you had a wonderful and blessed Easter. He is risen!!!

Catching Up

I have failed miserably at my blog lately so forgive me as I try to catch up in one night. February and March seemed to fly by in an instant and here we are in April already. Now that Easter is over I figured it was time to post my Valentine blog.

Isaac and I have started a new tradition of making yummy treats every holiday. It used to just be limited to our Christmas cookies, but we are expanding the tradition. This year we made yummy Valentine cookies to share with Isaac's Mimi and Nanny.

The cookies were a big hit although I'm not sure why there were a couple of frowny face cookies. They all taste the same so I guess it's ok. We made cookies and memories.

I love being able to attend Isaac's parties at school. I haven't missed one yet. I love seeing him in the school environment, but most of all I love being with him and seeing the look on his face when I walk in his classroom. Priceless.

Nick and I celebrated our 11th Valentines Day together at our favorite restaurant, Flemings. It was delish as usual. We get the same thing every time and I've posted pictures before so I'll save you from this in this blog. Then we celebrated as a family by having a family candlelight carpet picnic. Nick made a heart shaped pizza that we enjoyed by flameless candlelight. It was so fun, Isaac frequently asks if we can have a carpet picnic for dinner.

I love my boys more than life itself and we had a great Valentine's Day together.

What Time Is It??

What time is it you ask? I'll tell you, it's 12:14. I know this because Isaac has learned to tell time. He's so excited about this new skill that he likes to announce the time every minute. Every. Single. Minute. I've never seen a kid so focused on the time. The first thing he did this morning when he woke up was look at the clock. I guess he didn't believe the first clock he looked at because he had to run to his room and confirm the current time on the clock in his room. He also likes to confirm that the digital clocks are in sync with the analog clocks in the house. Weirdo. In the beginning it was cute and we were so proud of his new skill. Now, it kind of stresses me out. As someone who gets time stressed anyway, being reminded of the time constantly has increased my anxiety immensely.

Time seems to be going by so fast. It seems like just yesterday Isaac was by little baby who liked to have his butt patted in order for him to fall asleep. Now he's reading and telling time and bossing us around like we're idiots. Tomorrow I'm sure he'll be packing for college. This constant reminder of the time makes me realize I need to appreciate all these precious minutes I have because it is all going by so fast.

Taking The High Road

A couple of weeks ago we had an "issue" with out neighbor when we learned he called animal control and had traps set on his porch to catch cats. Within 24 hours of their call to animal control we found our cat, Mr. Biscuit (aka Honey Badger), in a trap on the neighbor's porch. Of course we were furious. We were mad that our cat had been an outside cat for six years and he just now became a problem. We were mad that they lacked communication skills and didn't come talk to us about our cat before taking such drastic measures. We were mad that they lacked any sort of neighborly social skills. We were mad that our cat had been traumatized and was nearly taken to the animal shelter. Nick of course cut the cat out of the cage and politely threw the cage back in the neighbor's yard. Ok, so maybe it wasn't so polite. At that point, we lacked neighborly social skills as well. We were mad.

We've stewed about this for weeks now. We've suffered through Mr. Biscuit essentially yelling at us because he wants to go outside so badly. We've tried to decide how we were going to retaliate. Real adult, I know. Nick had written them a nasty note which we never gave them. We talked about sending Isaac over and having him ask why they wanted his cat to die, which didn't seem like a good idea either. We tried to come up with reasons why we could call the city on them. Nick threatened to get his drums back out in the garage and make lots of noise. Until today, we had not done anything.


Today, I saw them carrying a cage with what I assumed was another cat, but it turned out to be an opossum. I decided I was going to take the high road and go talk to them in an adult manner and kill them with kindness. I started the conversation by apologizing if our cat had been a nuisance to them. Through the conversation I learned that until they saw Nick get Mr. Biscuit off their porch, they didn't realize we even had a cat. He said they were not trying to target our cat since they didn't even know we had one. I'm around liars all the time and he seemed genuine in his lack of knowledge about our cat. Come to think of it, they're rarely outside or even home so it's probably true.


Isaac was with me when I was talking to the neighbors and he witnessed adults communicating in a civil matter to solve problems. I'm pretty sure I prefer teaching him that lesson instead of the passive aggressive lesson he had seen Nick and I modeling the past two weeks. It just goes to show that you shouldn't make assumptions about people or situations because that can just create more problems and miscommunication. I'm glad I decided to take the high road, but more importantly, I'm glad I can stop being mad at my neighbors. And I'm glad Mr. Biscuit never had to go to the shelter although I still don't like him.

Operation: Get Rid Of The Ponytail

Many of you may wonder why I wear my hair in a ponytail 99% of the time. The truth is I lost a lot of hair during my stroke/lupus flare/premature birth ordeal. One of the symptoms of Lupus is hair loss. The only thing I could do with my thinning hair was to pull it back in a ponytail. I must say, for a while I didn't mind because let's face it, ponytails are huge time savers in the morning and sleep is precious. Since my Lupus is pretty much in remission my hair has been growing back, hence Operation: Get rid of the ponytail. My constant ponytail is starting to give me self esteem issues. As my blog from yesterday stated, it's been 21 months which really means my hair has probably been growing back for the last 12. The new hair is down to my shoulders now while the old hair is down to the middle of my back. It can be really awkward on the 1% chance I wear my hair down. I have a dilemma though. My new hair that is down to my shoulders is curly while my old hair is straight. Why can't anything be easy? So I asked my husband what he thought I should do. He said I should get a perm. What is this? 1995? My first mistake was asking someone who doesn't have hair for hair advice. My goal is to have the ponytail gone by the end of March. Hopefully by that time I will have figured out something to with my straight/curly, two different length hair. Fingers crossed.

It's Almost Been Two Years

It's almost been two years since our lives were forever changed by our sweet Liam. It still feels like it was just yesterday, but I also feel like we've come so far. It's been 21 months. Twenty-one months since I held Liam in my arms and felt him against my skin. I still think of Liam every day. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes I'm consumed with sadness that Liam is not here with us. Sometimes I feel so blessed for the gift he gave me. Other times I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about the loss of my child. It's still a roller coaster of emotions.

While I think about Liam daily, I'm not able to look at his pictures very often. I don't need to. I have him memorized. I remember his little folded ear. His tiny hands. His lips that looked just like Isaac's. His smell. Everything. I am so grateful that we have such beautiful pictures, but sometimes seeing them makes me so unbelievably sad that he's not here with us. I miss him so much it hurts. I selfishly want him here with me. I know I will see him again one day, but sometimes that doesn't even bring comfort because I want him now.

Nick and I have been talking about another baby recently. Sometimes I get so hopeful about baby number 3. But, sometimes I get mad at that thought. I don't want a 3rd baby. I want my second baby. I want Liam. And talking about baby number 3 almost feels like I'm trying to replace Liam although in my head I know that's not true. We are scared. Scared to forget about Liam. Scared to risk getting hurt again. Scared for my health.

We don't know what God has in store for Team Zumwalt. All we can do is pray and hope we are willing to hear the answers. And we will continue to be grateful for our tiny gift who had a pretty big purpose.

Parenting Fail #978

So Nick and I had a major parenting fail yesterday. While it's a little sad, it's also a little funny so I thought I'd share so you can not only feel better about yourself as a parent, you may giggle a bit too.

Isaac came home yesterday and while he was putting his backpack and coat up he very angrily told me that I had made him eat an old sandwich for lunch. I quickly told him that Daddy took him to school so it clearly wasn't me, and then reminded him that they were having chicken at school and Daddy and I told him he was going to eat in the cafeteria. He clearly forgot. And Daddy clearly didn't check Isaac's backpack before sending him to school as his lunch pail was still in his backpack from FRIDAY and since Isaac saw it, he assumed he had "brought his lunch" to school. So yes, my son ate his leftover peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch yesterday. And that's all he ate, since there was obviously nothing else in there. At least he had milk, and in kindergarten they still eat snacks in the afternoon. I can't imagine what Isaac must have thought as he opened his lunch pail only to find his half eaten sandwich from last week. I hope none of the teachers saw his poor excuse for a lunch as I'm sure they would have called the welfare on me.

See, now don't you feel better about yourself? I bet you've never fed your kid 3 day old partial sandwiches. Needless to say, Nick and I felt horrible when we found out what had happened. Poor Isaac. He forgave us, but was a little bummed he missed out on chicken yesterday.

Dear Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher

Dear Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher,

I know you have a very difficult job managing 20 five year olds and all, but I'd like to give you formal notice that I have a very difficult job too. I work full time at a very demanding job and then I come home and take care of my five year old. I'm all for enrichment projects and such, but I would greatly appreciate it if you gave me more notice when assigning "homework" to my five year old since I do in fact have a full time job other than being a parent. Especially considering the fact that assigning a five year old homework means the said five year old will need constant adult supervision and assistance. Perhaps giving parents a weekend to do these "projects" would solve the problem. I must go now and do my...er... I mean my five year old's homework.

Thanks for your consideration,

Laura

A Big Step

To say that Nick and I are overprotective of Isaac might be an understatement. Nick works in an ER and I work in child welfare. We've witnessed horrible things you can't even imagine. Combine that with the loss of Liam and there may be no hope of Isaac ever escaping the bubble we try to keep him in. Because of that experience we are very cautious with what we allow Isaac to do and who he is around. Sunday was a big milestone for Nick and I. Isaac was invited to the hockey game by our dear friends and former neighbors. They are good people and came into our lives just when we needed them (and their kids). Anyway, back to the story. Nick and Don had plans to brew beer on Sunday so Natalie offered to take her boys and Isaac to the hockey game. Because Nick and I are overprotective, Nick and I have never let Isaac go anywhere with anyone who wasn't my mom, his mom, or my sister, so this was a big deal. Nick and I really trust Natalie, because we said yes without hesitation. Since Isaac was going on his first outing without family I gave him my motherly lecture before he left. Remember to say please and thank you, no whining, obey Natalie, and be polite. He was so excited. He felt like such a big boy to go on an outing with his friends. Big. Deal. For him and his parents. He had a fabulous time and was super impressed with Natalie's GPS in her car. It felt really really good to know Isaac was in good hands and was having fun with his friends. It felt good to not be that overprotective parent that doesn't allow their child to do anything without them. I know Nick and I are going to have to loosen up and not be so protective all the time. We certainly don't want him to totally rebel when he's older because we never let him out of the house when he was young. I'll never stop being cautious about who I allow around my child, but it is so comforting to know we have friends like Don and Natalie that allow us to loosen up a bit and allow our kid to have some fun without us every now and then. Nick and I are finally growing up...

Daytime TV

So, I took a sick day today. I have a killer headache and I can't stop coughing. I'm a tough girl. I go to work even when I'm stroking out, but for some reason this headache is really getting the best of me. For that reason, I decided to stay home today.

Since I work full time, I rarely get to watch daytime TV. Watching daytime TV makes me glad I work full time. I have decided that daytime advertising is specifically geared to uneducated, toothless, injured, jobless people. I have seen more injury lawyer commercials today than I have in my entire life. If I'm hurt in an accident I need to call one of these injury lawyers, I may be entitled to more money than the insurance company tells me. Like we need to encourage people to be more money hungry than they already are. And typically those injury lawyer commercials are followed by some trade or technical school. I can get my CNA degree in only a matter of weeks and financial aid is available. Or I can get my culinary arts degree, or a degree in basket weaving online in one week. I can start my career in as little as ten minutes. Awesome! I'm all for people bettering themselves and getting an education, but I feel beat up after watching all these commercials. What I don't understand is all the denture and dental service commercials. Why are they specifically targeting the daytime audience? I can't seem to figure that one out, but I don't know I can get a set of dentures for as little as 300 dollars. Sounds like a bargain to me.

To sum it up, I'm going back to work tomorrow. No matter how bad I feel. I can't take another day of daytime TV.

Is It 2012 Already?

Like many of you the past few days have been spent reflecting on the past year and wondering what the new year will bring. I normally don't make resolutions, but I did last year. Eleven of them to be exact. I must say, I did pretty well on all of them. Let's reflect: I did accessorize more courtesy of the beautiful jewelry my mother-in-law makes for us girls. I tried to be a better friend, I certainly called in sick to work when I was actually sick and maybe a time or two where I wasn't really that sick. I definitely baked more and I certainly tried lots of new foods and recipes. I said "yes" to Isaac way too much. I didn't text and drive, that much. I certainly exercised more this past year than I have in many years. In doing that I feel like I was honoring Liam which was number ten last year. Practicing better communication is still a work in progress so maybe we'll add that to this year's resolutions. There's lots that needs to be said. Perhaps I'll find the courage to say it. Time will tell.

I can't help but be a little sad as we welcome 2012. It makes me feel that much more distant from 2010 and Liam. Liam is still a very real part of our family, but 2012 means it's been nearly two years since I held him, smelled him, memorized him and gave him back. Life goes on and we have moved forward, but I so desperately want to hang on to Liam and bring him with us. My faiths tells me we will be together again one day. My faith is what helped me survive to 2012. My faith will keep me going still.

Isaac is getting older by the second and pretty soon he won't be my little baby anymore either. I couldn't help but get a little emotional today as we put Isaac's train table in the attic. It symbolized the passing of time and how he isn't our sweet little toddler anymore who loves Thomas more than anything. He's such a big boy and doesn't hesitate to let me know. My boys both melt my heart and I just want to bottle every moment I have/had with them.

So in 2012, I resolve to enjoy the moments I have with my family. Life is short and it goes by fast. Tomorrow will come and I don't want to feel sad that I didn't enjoy yesterday to the fullest. Happy New Year!